An Out Of The Ordinary "feeling"

[Thinkingman85]

I know that there are good people. It's just hard living like society is good. I think all of you are good and I'm thankful for that.

 

[The Albatross]

Fears are a self infliction of pain. They are an interpretation and often are a poor representation of the truth. They magnify with time unless they are challenged. My personal effort was to challenge my beliefs by doing exactly the things that would potentially trigger off problems for me. Slowly, diligently, timed exposures. I literally taught myself that my fears were remote based on my "newer" reality. You can too. If you endeavor to try.

Paralysis will get you more of the same. What kind of life would you wish on someone else if you were offering advice? Be mindful but be bold... take risks intelligently and break down some of the strangle hold that your mind has on your life. You are impeeding yourself unnecessarily. I wish I could bash you over the head with a magic wand to make you see that. Some has a basis. Some is filtered by your own perception of the initial events.

My own rationale for it is the biblical verse that says something like, "when I was a child I spoke as a child, I understood as a child..." there comes a point to I think damn near everyone where we are called to question our own perceptions. For us, it is a bit more immediate.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Abstract, I think you're right.

 

[The Albatross]

So I'm reading that you are stuck in a belief based on an experience from 6 years ago. I think I would start there and pick it apart rationally, ruthlessly.

 

[The Albatross]

Hate to bug out, but it is well past my sleep time. I will rejoin in the morning if you'd like me to. But thoughts/feelings/perceptions ARE challenge-able, and changeable. It is worth the effort to chase the rabbit down the hole and investigate the warren.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Albatross, I think the main thing I fear is failure. There is always a belief that I'll fail. So instead of fighting it, I just accepted it and moved on. With this internalized belief, I have gone through pain. The reason I'm beating myself up is because I don't want to fail. There's always a battle on what type of person I should be. When I'm just myself it's not good enough. There is still a feeling of "something more" that needs to be expressed in order for mental peace to exist. I'm not talking about feeling incomplete as a person. I'm talking about not functioning 100% like I should be.

 

[cat]

Thinkingman
Reading through your thread it sounds to me like you are ready to move on & heal. Do you have access to therapy, now might be a good time to start your journey to recovery.
Going through therapy will take you out of your comfort zone but forget you will have someone to help & support you, try to think of it as a new beginning, an opportunity to find the real you.

I finished therapy a year ago, it took 3 yrs to get back on track but I am so pleased I did it, living in isolation with all my fears was no alternative, if I'd let that happen then my abuser would have got his wish.

Don't let your abuser win Thingingman, stay strong & fight your way back to who you really are!
Good luck

 

[Thinkingman85]

I've gone to therapy for 12 weeks. I honestly don't see the point of "proving my abusers wrong". I just want to enjoy my life for me. My therapist told me that I needed a lot a therapy, so I stopped going. People want me to get better, but I'm at a point in my life where it doesn't seem to matter even if I do. There will always be people trying to bring me down and I just don't want to deal with it anymore.

 

[cat]

Thingman, you sound like you are a very low ebb. Try to take your therapists advice, recovery will take longer than 12wks. During the first few months of therapy you will be building a relationship with your T & them with you. After that time you will begin to address & understand your trauma helping you to recover. Therapy is very tough, hard to get through but it sounds like you have others supporting you so try to take their advice.
It does matter if you recover, you matter, do it for you.......

Ps.. those people who you think will always bring you down....get them out of your life, you dont need them. After therapy you will be stronger!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

A number of thoughts....

You're overthinking the whole thing. Stop thinking, just do. I've seen it before, so you're not the first. People will hide behind the intellectual parts as a way of putting off actually doing something, anything to move forward.

12 weeks of therapy? Ok, that's not much of a try, to be honest. You tried, your therapist told you that you needed lots of therapy, and you bailed. You didn't want to put in the effort. I've been through hundreds of individual sessions (conservative estimate!), a lot more group sessions, doing all kinds of therapy including CBT, DBT, neurofeedback, meditation, guided visualizations, puppet therapy, and inter family systems therapy, just to name a few. Every therapist I see tells me I'm one of the most persistent clients they've had. Trying all kinds of therapy, programs, etc, driving hours just to find professionals skilled enough to treat me (I live in the sticks!)

Here's me being blunt. The reason you haven't been able to get your life on track is because you reject the necessary steps to heal. Therapy? Eh, too much work...just send me to "go" and give me $200. Well, it doesn't work that way.

I truly hope you're ready to give it another go and find a therapist to help. The only way out is through.

 

[cat]

Well said Solara, just what I wanted to say but......wasn't brave enough!

 

[Thinkingman85]

The only reason I'm reluctant on going back to therapy is because I haven't met anyone cured from PTSD. It always seems like I have to do "another thing" to get better. I'm starting to get more in tune with my feelings. I woke up crying last night. It actually felt cleansing. I don't know how any amount of therapy will be able to make me immune from the people that caused the trauma. I still think that revenge is the only way they will know not to mess with me. Talking about my abusers doesn't take them off the street.