D
Deleted member 28403
So.......................................................................................................................................................................
I broke up with my girlfriend, 3 or so days ago. Friday. No.. I'm not sure, last few days merged. Thursday. One of those two. I think it was actually Thursday.
I had to break up with her, it was getting nowhere and became reaaaally toxic. Like, seriously toxic for me, and I couldn't handle it. I wanted her to get better, to work on herself, instead of ignoring problems... You know, like, how a high-functioning addict and similar, often won't agree that the addiction is doing bad stuff, because of the high-functioning sides. Yep. That sort of story.
Smoking, cutting, isolating... For 2 months. Hurt me a lot. I had the worst dissociative episode in the past year, and when I told her about it, she just ignored it. Before it was a mutually supportive relationship, but then... Just shit happened. And she didn't want to change anything about it, she didn't want to speak her opinion, but instead went with the ignoring option. I lost so much trying to change that, trying to get her to seek help, to try to better. But you cannot change someone who is not willing to change themselves, learned the really hard way.
So yea, 2 months went by, I was on edge. Every second night I wanted to die, I tried to stab myself in the stomach with a knife, a lot, but I managed to somehow stop the stabs, most of the time, so I have just a couple tiny pecks. I lost my stability, trying to give her time to decide to change, because I hoped she would. IN the end, last week or so, she was saying how she is working on changing stuff, but it was too late. I was broken from all of that. Being with her became a serious stressor. Seeing her say contradicting stuff constantly. Hurt me randomly.
I was on edge. I had to make a decision. I talked to multiple people, 95% told me that this is toxic, and that I need to get out. I consulted with B. And then there was Thursday morning. A heck of a day.
In the morning I had the physics competition. I was really in a messed up mental state, and though I knew how to solve the things, and what to do. I couldn't concentrate at all, I made dumb mistakes, and I'm barely making it to next level, but at least I'm making it and have time to prepare. Of course, as it's a competition, you need to put a password. A code to be indentified by on the scoreboard. You have 5 numbers and then a letter combination. I chose "12345 breakupwithyou". It was a way to make sure, that I am not going back on my decision, that I will not go back into toxicity. She somehow missed it. I guess a lower english speaking skill made her not understand exactly what I meant. So I called her, and told her I'm breaking up with her. I explained to her why, and so on. She just said that it wasn't her fault and that she is such a person that would rather ignore a problem than do something about it.
A day later, she is apparently sorry and regreting, but f*ck it. Just f*ck it. If I went back into that, it would be plenty of pain. I mean, just talking to her hurts. So I told her, after she was repetedly contacting me for 3 days, that talking to her hurts, I mean, I hinted at it before, but I directly told her that I don't want to talk, that I can't be her stress takeout and that I cannot be there for her, that I was driven to limit, and told her not to contact me.
Just looking at it, I lost so much. I lost so much time, on fruitless effort, I was driven to new edges. It's just shit. I was without any support from her for over 2.5 months.
She was saying such dumb things, I couldn't believe it. I guess a result of brainwashing by parents. But she didn't want to do anything to change that, to stand up aganist it.. So yep. She told me that I should stop taking medications (while I am in the middle of crisis, and I have no support), and that isntead I should start smoking, because with smoking you take just a couple grams of nicotine in years of smoking while with medications my dose is 6-10mg. She sort of just ignored my explaination of how different chemicals have a different dosage, and so on. She told me that the medications aren't good for me because they harm liver and are addictive, especially when taken for years (I am switching meds in a couple days, and she knew that, and I wasn't taking them for a long period). She also, somehow, randomly threw in that I should start taking heroin. I mean, other than for the fact that that is something I'm highly unlikely to ever do, I probably couldn't even find it anywhere. Yep. That was the most supportive sentence I got in the past weeks.
A lot of shit made no sense.
I really couldn't take any more. I was dropping grades in school, like, 5 Fs and one D... I couldn't concentrate in school. I had serious symptoms, and breakdowns in school. Which isn't a pleasant thing. I cut my stomach, lightly stabbed my stomach, cut my left arm, overate a lot. I've been barely sleeping for a month, average of 3 hours a night. But not distributed equally.
I guess thats it. I will probably write more as a response to questions. But right now can't think of much to say
I broke up with my girlfriend, 3 or so days ago. Friday. No.. I'm not sure, last few days merged. Thursday. One of those two. I think it was actually Thursday.
I had to break up with her, it was getting nowhere and became reaaaally toxic. Like, seriously toxic for me, and I couldn't handle it. I wanted her to get better, to work on herself, instead of ignoring problems... You know, like, how a high-functioning addict and similar, often won't agree that the addiction is doing bad stuff, because of the high-functioning sides. Yep. That sort of story.
Smoking, cutting, isolating... For 2 months. Hurt me a lot. I had the worst dissociative episode in the past year, and when I told her about it, she just ignored it. Before it was a mutually supportive relationship, but then... Just shit happened. And she didn't want to change anything about it, she didn't want to speak her opinion, but instead went with the ignoring option. I lost so much trying to change that, trying to get her to seek help, to try to better. But you cannot change someone who is not willing to change themselves, learned the really hard way.
So yea, 2 months went by, I was on edge. Every second night I wanted to die, I tried to stab myself in the stomach with a knife, a lot, but I managed to somehow stop the stabs, most of the time, so I have just a couple tiny pecks. I lost my stability, trying to give her time to decide to change, because I hoped she would. IN the end, last week or so, she was saying how she is working on changing stuff, but it was too late. I was broken from all of that. Being with her became a serious stressor. Seeing her say contradicting stuff constantly. Hurt me randomly.
I was on edge. I had to make a decision. I talked to multiple people, 95% told me that this is toxic, and that I need to get out. I consulted with B. And then there was Thursday morning. A heck of a day.
In the morning I had the physics competition. I was really in a messed up mental state, and though I knew how to solve the things, and what to do. I couldn't concentrate at all, I made dumb mistakes, and I'm barely making it to next level, but at least I'm making it and have time to prepare. Of course, as it's a competition, you need to put a password. A code to be indentified by on the scoreboard. You have 5 numbers and then a letter combination. I chose "12345 breakupwithyou". It was a way to make sure, that I am not going back on my decision, that I will not go back into toxicity. She somehow missed it. I guess a lower english speaking skill made her not understand exactly what I meant. So I called her, and told her I'm breaking up with her. I explained to her why, and so on. She just said that it wasn't her fault and that she is such a person that would rather ignore a problem than do something about it.
A day later, she is apparently sorry and regreting, but f*ck it. Just f*ck it. If I went back into that, it would be plenty of pain. I mean, just talking to her hurts. So I told her, after she was repetedly contacting me for 3 days, that talking to her hurts, I mean, I hinted at it before, but I directly told her that I don't want to talk, that I can't be her stress takeout and that I cannot be there for her, that I was driven to limit, and told her not to contact me.
Just looking at it, I lost so much. I lost so much time, on fruitless effort, I was driven to new edges. It's just shit. I was without any support from her for over 2.5 months.
She was saying such dumb things, I couldn't believe it. I guess a result of brainwashing by parents. But she didn't want to do anything to change that, to stand up aganist it.. So yep. She told me that I should stop taking medications (while I am in the middle of crisis, and I have no support), and that isntead I should start smoking, because with smoking you take just a couple grams of nicotine in years of smoking while with medications my dose is 6-10mg. She sort of just ignored my explaination of how different chemicals have a different dosage, and so on. She told me that the medications aren't good for me because they harm liver and are addictive, especially when taken for years (I am switching meds in a couple days, and she knew that, and I wasn't taking them for a long period). She also, somehow, randomly threw in that I should start taking heroin. I mean, other than for the fact that that is something I'm highly unlikely to ever do, I probably couldn't even find it anywhere. Yep. That was the most supportive sentence I got in the past weeks.
A lot of shit made no sense.
I really couldn't take any more. I was dropping grades in school, like, 5 Fs and one D... I couldn't concentrate in school. I had serious symptoms, and breakdowns in school. Which isn't a pleasant thing. I cut my stomach, lightly stabbed my stomach, cut my left arm, overate a lot. I've been barely sleeping for a month, average of 3 hours a night. But not distributed equally.
I guess thats it. I will probably write more as a response to questions. But right now can't think of much to say
