And What Then?

[Deleted member 28403]

I am really sad right now. I am confused and don't know what to do.

I am trying to get my brain out of the dark, numb loop I'm stuck in again. I don't know what to do, all I can try to do is think about when I will move out and be free, but every thought of that brings in the thought of how far that time is. I don't know what to do, and my parents get angry at me for everything. I have some wierd dreams lately, and I am confused with what to do. My parents constantly tell me I am a failure in life and I am powerless, I can't do anything about it. They get angry at me for everything, and I get the need to hide in a corner, to cover myself with a blanket and not be there, I want to hide from it all. They get angry at me for not working enough, though I spend 7 hours a day at least learning and doing complicated stuff for competition. They criticize me about everything, not getting enough sleep, being tired, having a 'sad face'. I don't know what to do, if I show how I feel and have a sad face they are angry at me, if I don't talk about anything that bothers me they get mad at me. They don't care about how much I work and constantly shove how much I will fail in my face, telling me shit, I don't know what to do anymore. Some might call it a normal puberty thing, but I am to tired to care. I am to tired to live lately, today I nearly fell asleep in class, and I can't concentrate. They give me shit about how there will be 20 court cases that they will have to bother with thanks to me. They keep telling me that I should have taken all my responsibilities since 1st grade and been perfect, and that I will fail. I am sorry I was born. I don't know what to do. They want me to be what I can't be. They keep scaring me that if I went to a kids home I would be beaten and stuff. i don't know what to do anymore. They keep telling me I'm acting out and get angry at me for everything. I am tired. My tummy hurts a lot and I am tired and angry, but I can't do anything. And the though of moving out isn't helpful, because it brings the thought of 5 more years I have to be here.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I clicked like, because you are expressing your feelings + concerns. It is important.

When I was living at home & stuck inside, due to being punished most of the time...I developed hobbies, learned to draw & play music, read my butt off with tons of books, practiced marshal arts for exercise and studied.
I controlled my destiny inside my forced "home imprisonment".;) Your mind is yours!!

Think on a goal set with today's technology and what can you do for you? Be positive now...if you can not think of something...keep at it until maybe an idea lights up inside. :hug: Or ask others here for more suggestions as you are worth it!

Keep the faith and your head up.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@Recovery4Me Thank you, you are so nice and supportive, and all I can do is feel selfish for taking your attention to me. If only I could change that. I am so sorry. I am too broken. I'm sorry.

I have problems finding reasons to move on. I got completely creatively locked, a few months ago I was able to draw beautifully, but now, I completely lost all of the capabilities. I have problems with so much stuff lately and I just fail at stuff. I can't do stuff for myself, I just feel guilty for not working enough, I am badly hurt, and blocked, but feel selfish for trying to do something about it, and though logic says different, I simply can't.

 

[sun seeker]

I just want to say that what you are going through is not a normal puberty thing. Yes, being 14 is a hard age, but it's not supposed to be as hard as you describe. To be frank, your parents are emotionally abusive. How can you be a failure at life? You haven't had time to be a failure, if such a thing even exists. Parents are supposed to support you and give you a safe space where you can make mistakes and try new things. The thought of them telling you that you should have been perfect from first grade on... well... I just want to hug that little child that you were and let him be a child, without all the pressure and criticism.
It sounds like you work incredibly hard considering how many challenges you are facing, and I'm sorry that you have so little support. I wish I knew what to suggest that you do, but I don't. Child protective services are lacking everywhere, but from the little I found online about what is available in your country, they is no guarantee that contacting them would help things at all. But as Recovery4Me says, you can find an escape in your own mind. You are deserving just because you are human, not because of what you have or have not achieved. I don't think arguing with your parents is a good idea, but you can keep reminding yourself that they are wrong. If you can think that far ahead, you can plan how differently you will raise your own children one day.
You're on the forum more often now, did you get your phone back?

 

[Recovery4Me]

I can't do stuff for myself, I just feel guilty for not working enough, I am badly hurt, and blocked, but feel selfish for trying to do something about it, and though logic says different, I simply can't.

Deep breath now for you...ok? Take a deep breath and slowly exhale to stop the "train wreck" of negative thoughts.;)

Look with a gentle eye on what you are telling yourself...that's your inner critic. Know that guy/inner critic and do some research on how the inner critic is self-destructive and defeating.

Learned helplessness is something else that happens from over critical stimuli ...take sometime to review those terms. Knowledge is power. Power can lead to self-empowerment belief systems.

You did not cause the situations but you can control your mindset. Steps to freedom to a healthier self. One day at a time, ok. This is adult stuff, I am offering you...real sweat producing courageous stuff to learn-

but you are a smart young man...

Read about these words and ask the group about them and start to climb out of trap of conditioned inferiority beliefs. *If you don't want to, I understand and will not judge,ok?

Yet without a few teachers pushing me in a direction -or- helping me at your age...I wouldn't be here now. You will make a difference someday for someone else: but for now- make a difference for you. :hug:

 

[sun seeker]

Learned helplessness is something else that happens from over critical stimuli

I was going to mention something about this and forgot in my earlier post. The feeling you describe of being undeserving (selfish for taking our attention) is a natural response to the environment you are in. You have been told so many times that you are not good enough that you have begun to believe it. For children who are abused or neglected this is almost universal. The child is completely dependent on the parents and can't afford to think that they are wrong, so internalizing the negative messages is a survival tactic. The problem is that we get so used to thinking negatively about ourselves that we don't stop when we are in a place where we could take our power back. I know you are still in a relatively powerless position and believe me, I know what that is like. But you are at an age now where you can make more of your own choices, even though major ones like where you live are still not under your control. You can inform yourself and learn skills now that will help you for your whole life. The belief that you are worthless makes sense in the circumstances, but that doesn't mean that you really are worthless. If you can learn the distinction it will help a lot.