Thank you Stacy for your input! Very good advice. I've been much more cognitive of my othe...
Totally get it, Lopez! I'm becoming painfully aware of the need for respect and possibly some compassion from certain people in life. However, I am starting to accept these are my expectations not anyone else's. If someone you love is not respectful while you are trying to get some acknowledgement for what you are going through then I do believe that person does not want to know nor will they ever understand until their own wound(s) is healed.
It is a real tough pill to swallow because in my mind, how hard is it to give someone a hug or tell them, hey, I can see you are struggling, what can I do to help'. Apparently, it is impossible :(...But,
I had an aha moment this weekend.
In a moment of complete desperation, I broke down and visited my 'friend'. I am alone whether it is self imposed or not and am okay with that most days. This friend has anger problems and I didn't see him for 8 weeks. Long story short, prior to no contact, we were constant companions, we have a lot in common but his anger was worsening the ptsd symptoms. The thing is, every time you have an angry outburst witnessed by another, even if it's not directed towards them, is very frightening and scary. For the person having the anger outburst, it is a release and out of habit, might be the only way to find relief. It is an adrenaline rush and makes you feel alive temporarily. So, once your emotional outburst settles, there is a sense of relief, all the rage is forgotten and you move on while the other person is still going, 'holy crap' what just happened? ??? For me, each anger episode compounded all my other ptsd experiences, so instead of forgetting about it like the one who raged seems able to, ptsd gets amplified.
So, where am I going with this :) I dropped in at his place and I could tell he seemed happy to see me. I was scanning my emotions as much as I could and was enjoying the visit. Something was said to trigger me and my usual response is to cry and try to leave with dignity intact. I didn't want to repeat the pattern, so, instead and as calm as possible, I said exactly that. I went to the bathroom to gain composure and a few huge breathes, reassured myself I was okay..full blown panic attack. It was enough break to walk out of the bathroom with my head up. I told him how I was affected by his words but also how I enjoyed most of our visit and now it was time for me to go. Maybe we will try again, maybe we won't.
Bottom line - you and you only are in control of you (figure of speech)...I did not get what I wanted but I still enjoyed the positive part of the visit. I accept if I want a relationship with this unique, also wounded soul, it is up to me to define what is or isn't acceptable for my mental health. It is scary and lonely being on your own at times, but I am very grateful to take a step back, in order to see how I play a part in other's emotional roller coaster so I can recognize the emotions before they go 'viral' :) Anger is damaging and debilitating. I lose respect for the person who is targetting me simply because I am a nice person and know how awful it feels to be on the receiving end. Not trying to make you feel bad but respect goes out the window, the listening door gets shut and it will take several keys of different varieties to open it. I think that might be what your experiencing from your partner but purely an assumption on my part. It doesn't matter how nice you are after an angry outburst, the damage is done. Typically neither person wins and both feel terrible afterwards and it becomes a catch 22....around and around she goes...until you get a hold of anger. Action not empty words. ..even if you are not successful in controlling anger before it gets out of hand, if you can tell the other person, 'I can feel myself getting ramped up, can we stop for a bit, I am going to step away and collect myself' goes along way and typically reduces rage power. ..
.hope this is helpful :) you sound like you are on the right track :)
