Angry Emails - Harassment

[VanZan]

Has anyone any advice with regard to this please? I'm a total idiot. I've just had the police visit me yet again for sending emails. They've come before and I fear they will again. They're being really forgiving in that they haven't arrested me....but it scares me that eventually I'd say they will.

I had started a course and when I got home Wednesday I was curious why everyone was so quiet. Then they told me...the police had been there looking for me. I felt so bad for bringing shame upon my parents and family. The looks on their faces will stay with me forever.

The last time they had paid a visit was over a year ago. I'll be fine for another year or two probably but I can see myself doing something similar a year or two in the future. If only I could retain this feeling I have now.

I'd do go down and throw myself in the river to prevent any further trouble but killing myself would also cause my family pain.

I've been told that before you hit send that you should wait a while and think. However I can remember each time that I hear this voice telling me if I don't act immediately, if I wait until I calm down then I won't send something really important that needs to be sent.

I'm just as bad as the people that wronged me. The police told me the recipients want me charged with harassment. I can fully agree with this. I feel bad because the police keep giving me chances and I'm wasting them. I wish I'd get some terminal illness so that there would be some end to all this. I can remember that an hour after I had sent this email I was almost physically sick with regret.

I know it'll happen again and I just feel powerless to stop it.

 

[Casey_03]

Sorry to hear you are going through this. Don't beat yourself up about it -- what's done is done. It's hard to offer any useful advice without knowing more details though -- who were the recipients? What is the story there? no worries if you don't want to say

 

[Friday]

Sounds like you need an intermediate step while you work on your impulsiveness. Some options:

- When you're angry/whatever (in that mode) put the recipient name at the top, not the address bar, but email them to your therapist... Or similar 3rd party who won't be afraid of telling you if your head is up your ass.

- Ditto, but lawyer. If it costs you $50 or $100 every time you send a message, the added up-front cost may slow your roll.

- Ditch the email. Correspond by mail. And mail it to yourself, so you've got a few days to calm down and read it. Ideally, have an on-side 3rd party (like your therapist) read it after you've sent it.

 

[The Albatross]

... if I wait until I calm down then I won't send something really important that needs to be sent.

...I'd do go down and throw myself in the river to prevent any further trouble but killing myself would also cause my family pain.

...I wish I'd get some terminal illness so that there would be some end to all this. I can remember that an hour after I had sent this email I was almost physically sick with regret.

I know it'll happen again and I just feel powerless to stop it.

I think I'd take a hard look at the three first statements I quoted as there is clearly some problems with each of these statements.

Compulsively angry emailing is getting you some direct consequences for your behavior. Rather than attempt to restrain or constrain your behavior you appear to be convincing yourself that, consequences be damned, you're gonna do what you're gonna do and continue to operate at least at some point without regard to your warnings and the consequences you've just received.

Rather than roll up your sleeves and tackle the behavior, too, you entertain suicide and express a wish for an acute illness... which doesn't do a damn thing to solve your problem.

Get back to the reality and gravity of your situation. IF you don't want to be charged at some point in the future with harassment and/or the police to come and have a discussion with you that may ultimately lead to charges... you will seek the help you need to stop the behavior. Pronto. If you can't or won't you are put on notice by your own realizations that a consequence of your repetitive behavior is coming down the pike.

Clearly it is time for this behavior to stop. It is far easier, I assure you, to endeavor to change a habit or behavior than it is to either attempt suicide or deal with an acute/terminal illness.

The fourth statement, powerlessness... is the thought that keeps you in the pattern. Your behavior, your problem, your actions, your possible consequence.... that is not powerlessness. That is you actively creating a problem in your own life. Your behavior, your problem, your chance to initiate change and avoid the consequence... or not.

 

[Justmehere]

Negative consequences have been shown to only lead to short term behaviorist change. (According to my trauma focused CBT therapisf.) positive reward for the right behavior leads to long term change.

The guilt you feel now is ok for the short term - to make you pause. But for the long run, try rewarding yourself every time you feel mad and don't email someone but go for a run or journal or whatever.

Even if you do make a mistake again, you do not deserve to die. You deserve help and support. PTSD created an extra strong fight or flight instinct and it sounds like your tendency to verbally "fight" via email is just a bit too strong. Try doing preventative measures every day to lower that every day (deep breathing, etc) and work on the underlying trauma, and I believe in time you will regain the power back to respond more in the way you want to respond.

I don't condone what you did, but I'm sorry you were so mad at whatever you were mad and angry at. Enduring such anger can be tough. I struggle with anger a lot myself and I have sent a few terse emails from time to time. Email is my frienemy... (friend and enemy)

 

[The Albatross]

In the shorter term however, I do agree with Friday's ditch the email. But would include text, and phone calls and turn my focus on acquiring or seeking to explore some anger management as well as personal restraint.

 

[KCPearl]

I am so sorry you feel so strongly that you have to put it down into an email and click send.

What if when you wrote the letter you actually addressed it to yourself or a loved one. Read it from that person's perspective. Would you like being talked to in such a way? Would it hurt your soul to receive such venom in the mail?

I agree with the others that negative consequences only have a short term lasting impact. The goal would be to find a positive way to change this need. I could be wrong, but it seems that these emails are an build up of a lot of emotions. Maybe trying to tackle them as they start would be better. What do you do to handle daily stress?

Sending you peace and happy vibes.

 

[shimmerz]

Open a new gmail account that is yours for these emails only. Type the recipient name as 'whoever you are sending it to'. Type the email and press send. Walk away. Go back the next day and look at the email. Make sure you are in a good space. If it looks 'wrong' wait again. Nothing is so pressing that you should go to jail. Take your time and don't have someone tell you 'send it right now' and then press harassment charges. I can't believe they aren't seeing your pattern. I wouldn't trust whoever this is as far as I could throw them.

Chill. Let them wait.