Anniversary Time And What I've Decided To Do.

[fly away home]

Its been building up to that time of year when everything is just lovely, its spring time (this side of the world) and the weather is warming up and everyone is commenting on these beautiful days but all i feel is deep grief and guilt. Anniversary is in two days. I am messy. Cant talk to my partner at all. So just need to yell it out to the virtual world that this is quite simply not good. I feel that after fifteen years no one really wants to hear about it and why cant i just get over it.

Soooo this year I have decided, rather than pretend I'm perfectly fine yet obviously cant function what so ever, to go to where the trauma happened. I will be going on my own, leaving my little family for the first time ever. I will be driving and staying in a hotel then driving back home the next day. Visit the memorial site.

Is this madness?

I haven't told my psychologist yet. I will see her tomorrow afternoon and leave directly from her office. I'm scared she will tell me its a bad idea but I don't think i can stand another year of being a fraud.

 

[franciemarnie]

I empathize with you and know the pain of anniversaries, but could I ask - what is it you hope to achieve if you go? Do you think it will expedite healing? Or...?

 

[fly away home]

Hmmm well, I dont really know, I think im partly running away from this life and trying to return to my old life. I do want to try and remember more because I have forgotten so much, good and bad. I want to get some clarity of all the events which built up to what happened in the end. Im in therapy for the first time so its been very tumultuous and I find it very hard to talk about it so sorry if i dont make much sense at all. Its a good question to ask, I shall ponder some more...

 

[franciemarnie]

I'm glad you have a T to discuss these ideas with. T might have good counsel.

I didn't go back like you but when I was 30, I watched home movies I hadn't seen in 15 years. I was in bad bad shape afterwards. I think back then when undiagnosed, I felt some kind of need to sort of break thru the years of despair, numbness and adrenalin, get at the original pain, but it didn't work. I plunged into darkness for about six months. No T, no support in friends, et al. Not that that would happen to you. Just made me think back. Whatever you do, please be safe. Don't set yourself up.

 

[fly away home]

Perhaps this is what I am searching for, the original pain. I have been numb before. I am refusing anti depressants because now that I'm in therapy I am feeling things for the first time in years. Its nice to feel but is this going too far? When I think of staying here I think I'm just going to be horrible to my partner and daughter, I know they will be happier with me gone.

 

[fly away home]

I will have a friend there whom I don't want to burden with my troubles but she is someone whom I trust. I will tell my therapist and take on board what she says but I feel like my mind is made up. Thank you, I will be safe, having a child forces that upon me. Thanks for your kind words and concern, so much confusion right now. So very lost.

 

[fly away home]

Thinking maybe I want to prove to myself that I am still strong, that I can handle this. I have struggled, post diagnosis, with the idea that I am unwell...just thinking out loud here... realistically I may not be strong enough. There is no denying that I am scared

 

[fly away home]

Can I ask a stupid question? What did you mean by not set myself up?

 

[franciemarnie]

First may I say, they don't come any stronger than you IMO. Given the nature of PTSD, you didn't just survive traumatic experience. You survived it and continue to survive it over and over and over and over because your danger signals almost never turn off. You are a warrior! And to have a family on top of it? Man, that is strength!!!

But you are also human. Your body is human and can sometimes break down under continued stress. If a person like us goes out of their way to get at the original pain without reasonable support in place, they might put themselves at greater risk than intended and there could be consequences.

I'm not saying that would happen with you. If you have a friend there, that is good.

I can't say what would happen, but if you will feel terrible at home, you might feel terrible if you go back because wherever you go, there you are. The pain is within us, not localized somewhere.

I was afraid it could blow up and you wouldn't have a support system in place to temper a possibly volatile reaction.

But you may be absolutely fine. I only can speak from my experience and I am not you so my opinion is only from my little head and from my personal world.We are all different and individual in how we process trauma, though we overlap sometimes and share the same thing.

 

[fly away home]

I appreciate your opinion from your little head, from your personal world. It makes a lot of sense. My trauma involved the loss of someone I love. His choice to go. For that very reason, having full knowledge of how this affects everyone left behind, I am held here, in this world and there is no way I can change that. The hyper vigilance side of PTSD is probably what has saved me and kept me going for this long. Ironic isn't it!?!

 

[franciemarnie]

It is ironic that what was designed to keep us safe goes so nuts that the messages it's sending just don't stop and end up creating a new very painful state of being. Sigh.

 

[fly away home]

Had a good chat with my t, clarified so much. I am seeing this trip as positive, a chance to say goodbye so I can come home and actually be with my family. haven't cried so hard in years.