Another Load Of Confusion

[Sandstone]

After my recent crisis admission, we had the discharge meeting. I said I was back to normal for me, and actually explained what "normal" is like. They seemed surprised by the description of the many times a day "You have no right to exist", by the bloody nightmares, by the nights battling the desire to die, by the reliving triggered by innocent objects, by the endless vigilance and startle, by the confusion between the different aspects of me.

All this is documented, and surely all this is standard? I had been planning to skate over the surface, but oddly was prompted by my horoscope "Your non-disclosure strategy is ineffective if you try to hide your anxiety by being purposefully vague... it's healthier to share as much information as possible... Your associates are willing to help you even more if they are fully informed. ..there's no need to carry your burden alone."

I asked for ongoing support while they decide what to do about therapy, but though my Care Co-ordibnator is willing to be contacted if I'm at crisis point, he says he has no skills to help with what I experience, and sounded very unwilling to offer anything in relation to it. I asked if he knew of any other service that offered what I needed, he said there was none, other than private therapy. I said rather than crisis support I needed something predictable and regular where I could work through what I deal with and work out how to apply the techniques I have already to it, as well as simply unloading it all. They said there was nothing like that. However the ward staff will phone me in 48 hours, and the Crisis Team within the next 7 days

The last time I was informed of the plan, it was to refer me to a trauma/dissociation expert (at the Pottergate Cebtre) for assessment. Now they plan to deal it more economically, within house, with someone from their organisation but outside my district. I asked if they had expertise and experience and was told yes. I asked what support outside sessions would be available, and how that could be arranged from another district, they didn't seem to know.

I asked very specifically for someone to work through my risk scored listing of ways I can endanger myself. No-onne felt that fell under their remit.

I feel enormous guilt and shame at telling these people all this, at having these needs, at not knowing the answers for them. I want to drug my self into oblivion and hide from the self loathing and the fear that nothing useful will happen. I feel I don't deserve therapy

I think I should try to find out from the psychologist I was seeing whether the person I may see is any good. but I don't want to push her to comment on her senior colleague. I think I should contact the Pottergate Centre and ask if they support this approach and if a full private assessment would be useful. But I don't want to be seen to be rocking the boat when something might happen.

I want someone to tell me answers, on a day to day management level. My husband was at the meeting, and it was the first time he heard about the problem knife. Since he was no longer sheltered from it, I asked him to put it out of sight. But s that the right thing to do? When you hide from a phobia, it tends to grow and transfer. Perhaps facing it daily was a better approach.

Sorry, I've written a book. There is another bit, but that will have to wait or go elsewhere.

 

[Bloomy]

Im so sorry to hear you struggle to get the help you deserve and need first of all.
Second it sounds like my situation. I know what I need and I learned how to tell people to just eventually be crushed with I dont know or I cant offer that service or we cant help try someone else or your to sick etc. And as with you it leaves me to feel guilty and ashamed of being me and having my needs and my background. Its just not right to be treated like this. You do deserve therapy that works as much as I do. I also reckognise the self loathing. But I have learned from non - profesional that actually I am worthy to be met and I am not that dificult a person as they want me to be. From non - profesjonals meeting me just like a human being and comfort me as such Ive seen I can actually calm down and get back to being nice pretty quikly.
So Im just so sorry to hear you are going through the same shit. Here in Noway the best therapist is the ones you pay a hell of a lot of money for. The official ones rarely seems dedicated and to say the least educated.
I sincerely hope you will get the help you deserve. Hang in there Sandstone. And as said all though I clearly understand your feeling of guilt its not your fault. You didnt ask to experience such troublesome things that would cause you ptsd in the first place and second you should be commanded for your bravery to ask for help in addition to the help that you do actually need.

:hug: if accepted and I think you are courages

 

[joeylittle]

I think I should contact the Pottergate Centre and ask if they support this approach and if a full private assessment would be useful. But I don't want to be seen to be rocking the boat when something might happen.

Personally, I don't think this is rocking the boat at all. And it's a legitimate question, whether they would recommend that you have a private assessment. They may say that they cannot comment on the approach - I'm not in the UK, so I don't know much on the NHS besides what I learn here, but I'd think that there's nothing wrong with pursuing your options for best treatment.

Since he was no longer sheltered from it, I asked him to put it out of sight. But s that the right thing to do? When you hide from a phobia, it tends to grow and transfer.

Sometimes that's true. But sometimes removing all access to the object of focus will just help you diminish it's place in your life.

I just wanted to say, too, that the way you are separating out what you feel, think, and want, is really well done, and personally I think that kind of cognitive self-support is very useful. I wouldn't function without it, I know that.

 

[Sandstone]

Sadly, it doesn't seem to result in anything beyond some self knowledge. And I'm heartily sick of being told I have good insight. Insight doesn't cure me. (Not aimed at either of you @joeylittle @Bloomy )

Asking for what I want is very new to me, and it has failed three times in the last two days. First in that meeting, later when someone from the Crisis Team called. He asked how I was feeling, I told him the guilty and ashamed bit, and it was as if i had never spoken. He paused for a second, then reconfirmed that someone would be out to see me one morning next week. He wasn't admin. Then at bedtime I rashly told my husband my fears that I would end up with treatment from someone my previous good psychologist had discounted as appropriate. I say rashly, because as I have often said, he can't answer. He shuts down, and it as if I am not there. This time it led t a row, and that is totally unfair, because i know it is can't, not won't. We did finally talk, but he fell asleep.

I so desperately want/need someone I can dump on, someone who can normalise all this stuff for me, someone who can advise me on which bits of self help are safe.

 

[joeylittle]

Asking for what I want is very new to me, and it has failed three times in the last two days.

Yeah, that would be really, really shitty. It's so hard when you are doing your best to do everything that is recommended as best-practice for self-care, or whatever - and it doesn't work. Especially soul-killing when it doesn't work with clinicians.

I so desperately want/need someone I can dump on, someone who can normalise all this stuff for me, someone who can advise me on which bits of self help are safe.

There aren't things like peer-to-peer counseling groups over there, are there?

And, just another thought - is there some way to get your husband more involved so that he's a little more educated about everything and therefore can be a better listener for you? In the US, this is hard as well - but the mechanism is called 'family therapy', and it can be used for everything from working on the family dynamic, to helping members of the family get educated about what things are like for the person who is in treatment, and tools for ways to support them.

I actually recently had my therapist do a session with my one true friend. She was good at listening to me, but really was getting overwhelmed with not knowing what to say, and I wanted to give her some support. It did help.

I know that sort of thing is not for everyone, and I also know that it doesn't always work out. But wanted to float it in case it had never come up.

 

[Sandstone]

I've never heard of peer-to-peer groups in this area.

So far as my husband is concerned, there seems to nothing available. He is legally entitled to something called a Carer's Assessment, and has had one.The key question seemed to be how long he was prepared to continue caring. He said he was signed up or life, they said good and that was it. Until a decision is reached about what is to be done with me, I don't think there is anyone who could do a joint session. As he is dyslexic, it's very hard for him to absorb information from books, though he has ploughed through two, which I recognise as heroic on his part. In the main, it has been up to me to educate him, which is complicated and means we only have my knowledge to go on. Right now, that isn't enough.

We have had a chat this morning, again, about how I need him t answer with anything at all, rather than be silent. All is well between us, he knows I know it's can't not won't.

 

[Sandstone]

Right, I'm going to contact previous psychologist, find out if she knows anything about what is happening, and offer her the chance to say either "Yes I know know they mean, she would be good" or "I considered and rejected that option, or " I don't think I can comment" . I told her before that I admired the skill she showed in being supportive without criticising her employers or colleagues, so she will know what I mean.

Depending on the outcome, I may call Pottergate too.

 

[Sandstone]

She said I had seen her for an extended period, and before that another good therapist for a period and both times it had been stopped by safety concerns, and that dissociative issues had become more obvious, so it was still her professional opinion that I needed a tertiary referral.

She seemed quite crossI hadn't had the minutes of their meeting, and that the plan had been changed from what was agreed there. She is following it up, but won't expect to have a response until Tuesday.

I should probably move to distraction activities

 

[Sideways]

@Sandstone - I'm not just saying this to be flippant, but really, you've got all this confusion going on, the stress of getting discharged (& yeah, I've been there - you and 5 ppl who each have a file all about you, and your freedom depends on whether you can pull off seeming "stable" enough to these complete strangers, so you smile and keep you mouth shut unless it's to say something polite and positive!)...

All the while you keep returning to the same position: I am not a back seat passenger in my recovery, I'm gonna fix this damn situation myself.

It's really inspiring to read. It's like bearing witnes to someone who is determined to recover, no matter how many twats try and get in the way, no matter how many hurdles Fate decides to throw in.

It can be done. Reading your posts is like a constant reminder: you can do this, even when it feels like all the odds are against you, you just keep fighting.

Thank you so much for sharing your journey. Because it really is incredibly inspiring to me.

 

[EveHarrington]

Is the knife something you do or would harm yourself with?

If so, getting rid of it is a good idea IMHO. I think early in treatment it's good to get rid of all self harming tools.

Alcoholics rid the house of beer/liquor/etc.

Bingers get rid of binge trigger foods.

Drug users get rid of all drugs/paraphernalia.

Self harmers get rid of razors, etc.

It's not a matter of being able to "stare evil in the face and overcome it". (I believe this comes later, much later.)

If you're at all impulsive, IMHO the bad stuff must go.

I know you're going through a lot right now. One less temptation the better. You don't have to be strong in the face of all adversity. (Out of sight, out of mind can do wonders.)

 

[Sandstone]

Is the knife something you do or would harm yourself with?

On one occasion I heard " You should stick that knife in your eye", from a vindictive aspect of myself that is set on destruction. It hasn't recurred, but that is enough for me to view that particular, long, slender boning knife with great discomfort. It is the moral conviction behind that "should" that is chilling. It's the same one that insists I should throw myself in front of vans that approach from behind.

I've considered putting the knife out of sight myself, but thought it better to face it. I know where it is, and I'm not generally afraid of harming myself with it. I may need to revise my concern level up a bit after the other night, when I knew I couldn't resist ODing alone, but I can count on one hand the number of times I've physically self harmed. WhenI did, it was about having a distraction from mental pain to allow me to sleep.

Reading your posts is like a constant reminder: you can do this, even when it feels like all the odds are against you, you just keep fighting.

It is very kind of you to say that, and unsurprisingly it isn't how I see it.To me my posts appear to be written by someone trapped in a pinball machine and ricocheting between pins marked disaster, panic, catastrophe, despair.

 

[Sandstone]

I'm suddenly filed with rage at the line "I don't have the skills or experience to help you with this"

Well.neither do I, but it seems to be OK to wash your hands and leave me to deal with it. You are supposed to be the Mental Health Service. It is supposed to be what you do.