Another reason why I *hate* my mother

[CooCoo4CocoaPuffs]

She didn’t care enough about me to quit smoking inside of our home. I have horrible memories of shoving blankets, towels, clothes under my bedroom door trying to block the evil smoke out. She smoked in the vehicle too.

I developed pneumonia as a kid, had ear infections often. I missed a lot of school due to this. Then, I started exhibiting asthma symptoms as a teenager that she couldn’t give a f*ck about. I had an extreme asthma exacerbation when I was about 20 due to other relatives’ smoking habit. I believe my mother’s constant exposing me set me up for that.

I’ve had asthma ever since. Been decades. I put the blame for my defective lungs right on her. I’ve never smoked or vaped in my entire life. Still, my lungs are worse. She broke my brain and my body. I don’t know if I am going to outlive my shitrat parents.

Stupid bitch finally quit when I was 30s and long since away from her. She has never said sorry. She knew what she was doing was wrong and that I deserved it.

 

[Muttly]

I wouldn't say I hate my mother, but there was a lot of issues and complicated feelings. Her smoking was one of the conflicts. I too had asthma (mine is mild) and struggled and she never stopped and turned it into a personal attack against her, if I complained.

 

[CooCoo4CocoaPuffs]

Mine is “moderate/persistent.” I had the gall to go exercise and now I’m coughing and my chest feels like ass. Even simply laughing sets me off. Goddamn her. She was trying to kill me! Probably so she could get sympathy points from her shitty friends.

Probably I should go eat my inhaler but I’m too lazy.

 

[Jade-]

I'm not sure how old your mom is @CooCoo4CocoaPuffs, and I am in no way invalidating what you are saying, but back in the day smoking was looked at differently.

People don't believe me when I say I held my newborn baby and smoked cigarettes while in the hospital right after giving birth. I smoked in the car while driving, smoked in the house, etc and never really gave it much thought. Nobody else gave it much thought either. It didn't mean I didn't care or love my kids, it was just acceptable back then. I do feel remorse for it now though looking back. Just the same as one day those that allow their babies/toddlers to use phones, tablets and other devices and all the fast/junk food kids are allowed to eat,etc. will probably one day regret it too but right now it's acceptable. I am not saying they are alike in any way just saying each generation is different on what's considered acceptable and we all just kind of go with the flow out of ignorance.

I guess your post made me feel guilty and I had to comment.

 

[Muttly]

I can't speak for the OP, but I certainly didn't mean for you to feel guilty. I don't think you need to. Times were different when my mom smoked. I don't resent her for smoking so much as she didn't acknowledge my issues or if she did, it came with a guilt trip. When I was old enough to tell her it bothered me, I was complaining. I think she flat out said I was picking on her. When she found out I had asthma there was no change in behavior. I don't think she believed I had asthma which gets into a whole other thing. When I was an adult and asked her not to smoke in my house or car I was being unreasonable. I was selfish. That's what I resent.

 

[Weemie]

Times were different when I smoked. It's still complicated. Nicotine is a serious addiction and the cessation stuff you use, no matter what they are, none of them are as good or as effective as smoking a cigarette. It's a multi-faceted addiction with a behavioral as well as chemical component (that often starts very young - I began smoking at age 8, and became a chain smoker around 16, ultimately reaching up to 2 packs a day).

If you are struggling with other mental illnesses on top of it, quitting smoking can radically destabilize you. My own therapist advised me to get stable in therapy before quitting. I also smoked in the house. Not all the time, whenever I would chain smoke I'd go outside and just stay on the balcony for hours playing my handheld, but enough. My mom complained about it because she's a non-smoker.

She doesn't even have asthma, smoking aggravates non-smokers, too. It's exposing them to hundreds of toxic chemicals like benzene, formaldehyde, cyanide, etc. So obviously they're bothered. Someone with asthma would only be moreso. But I didn't really respond to it because I was doing what I could. I have a pretty significant physical disability and it was hard for me to go down the stairs every time I wanted to smoke, so I would smoke in my room. Same thing, I'd use towels and shit.

It wasn't because I hated her or wanted her to die. I was putting it out of mind because I couldn't manage the distress of cravings. It's because it's an addiction, and addictions often take precedence, no matter how much you love your kids or how well-intentioned you are. Eventually I did quit, mostly for her benefit (both in cost and physiological impact). Been vaping since November, and it doesn't bother her at all.

The point of this isn't to excuse this behavior, but I do think equating it to wanting the people around you to die, is a misunderstanding of how severe this addiction is. Nicotine is one of the most addictive compounds on Earth. On par with meth, coke, heroin, etc. So it is very easy to push out everything else when the cravings hit, most especially because the messaging around cigarettes being harmful only really started to change within the past 20 years.

Obviously being an addict is shit and everything that comes with it sucks, but we don't want to kill people. We just want to use drugs. Our brains make it very easy for us to ignore the consequences of that, and that's also probably why the guilt trips and stuff happen - because you're trying to make them stop, they perceive you as guilt tripping them (even though you're just being a normal person who wants their loved ones to stop doing drugs), so they turn it back on you a hundred-fold.

 

[Jade-]

^^ That too, @Weemie ,the addiction part of it is another reason I smoked around my kids.

Things are just so different now. Like I smoked weed during my entire first pregnancy, back when it was looked upon the same as heroin and other heavy duty drugs. Because I had constant, non-stop morning sickness(apparently there's an actual name for that now but I can't think of what it's called) and I was always going to the hospital for it. I wasn't trying to harm my baby, I just couldn't deal with being sick all the time. But now Dr's recommend it for morning sickness and I find it ironic.

My point to the OP is sometimes we do things as parents that we shouldn't with no ill intentions.

 

[CooCoo4CocoaPuffs]

I'm not sure how old your mom is @CooCoo4CocoaPuffs, and I am in no way invalidating what you are saying, but back in the day smoking was looked at differently.

People don't believe me when I say I held my newborn baby and smoked cigarettes while in the hospital right after giving birth. I smoked in the car while driving, smoked in the house, etc and never really gave it much thought. Nobody else gave it much thought either. It didn't mean I didn't care or love my kids, it was just acceptable back then. I do feel remorse for it now though looking back. Just the same as one day those that allow their babies/toddlers to use phones, tablets and other devices and all the fast/junk food kids are allowed to eat,etc. will probably one day regret it too but right now it's acceptable. I am not saying they are alike in any way just saying each generation is different on what's considered acceptable and we all just kind of go with the flow out of ignorance.

I guess your post made me feel guilty and I had to comment.

In the 80s it was well known how bad smoking is. AFAIK, it started to become apparent that second-hand smoke is just as bad. However, my evil mother feels and showed zero remorse for all the harm she caused me. The only reason that c*nt quit smoking indoors was her precious paint/wallpaper was being ruined. No joke! My coughing, lung infection didn’t matter. Also, for a time we had the same doctor and he was defacto terrified I would start smoking. He would pester me, “you haven’t started smoking, right???” I had decided as a kid I never would so I had to promise him I wouldn’t. I never have. Still, my lungs are f*cked and it pisses me off!

I’m so grateful laws have been passed where I’ve lived to ban indoor smoking in public buildings/workplaces and even banning smoking with kids in the car. Too late to save my lungs but hopefully save others’. I definitely am emphatic with my children how stupid, evil and expensive smoking and vaping is. I beg them never to start. Our home, property and vehicle are smoke-free.

 

[CooCoo4CocoaPuffs]

I’ve definitely heard stories about cigarettes handed out like candy in hospitals and I’m old enough to remember smoking sections on airplanes, ashtrays in cars. Even smoking sections in restaurants.

Still, my evil mother only stopped smoking indoors because it inconvenienced her. It was never like “omg my daughter had a lung infection/ear infections and a weird cough.” Then again, she also beat the shit out of me, terrorized me, called me names, and worse. Why should I be surprised?!

She’s very surprised I went NC. Why? God, she’s an idiot but thinks she’s so f’ng smart.

 

[Jade-]

@CooCoo4CocoaPuffs , in the early 80's I smoked in my hospital room while holding my newborn. Mid 80's and early 90's there was a smoking room in the hospital I got to use after giving birth. So it was still pretty acceptable through those years.

Im not defending your mother, just saying that I didn't do better until I knew better.All of my kids have asthma.Is it because of my smoking? Maybe, maybe not, but it wasn't my intention to harm them.

 

[RainbowSearchParty]

A little bit different, but maybe a parallel here: when I was a pre-teen, my mother decided that I needed to take up running with her. running (like any high-intensity exercise) makes it difficult for me to breathe and I start to cough and wheeze. I suspect that I have exercise-induced asthma, as this trend continues into my adulthood, always triggered by the same thing, and having nothing to do with physical fitness (I am very fit, just really intense, sudden exercise leaves me gasping for air, and the coughing and wheezing lingers for hours after I stop).

But when I was young? My mother would just accuse me of being dramatic, telling me to just stop coughing, that I was making it all up. But I could never stop,

I don't think she meant to overlook the physical issues that undergirded my response, she just couldn't see them at all. And I think the oblivion had nothing to do with loving or not loving me. But it f-ed me up, for sure, and I'm still angry about it.

 

[Tinyflame]

I can hear the terrible pain and anger in your post @CooCoo4CocoaPuffs . This:

, she also beat the shit out of me, terrorized me, called me names, and worse.

says everything I think. ^^^

Just me, but originally when abused it was hard to see the abuser's actions as ever being neutral, vs targeted to me, when so much else was.

Many people who love someone with addictions can secretly think if they were loved more the person would/ could stop. This is not the case; Yes, there can be motivation of course but it's so much more complicated than that as @Weemie said. Addictions are inherently selfish, but also inherently self-damaging. The easiest thing to fall in to and the hardest thing to crawl out of. It's starts as a friend and turns in to your enemy. A relative of mine started drinking after quitting smoking. Something healthy has to replace it. (In some desperate times I used to walk down the highway to the cemetery and sit between my relatives graves and smoke and talk to them and ask what to do. I did the same thing when I had to hide outside in the city, I would find a place and chainsmoke. Times like those long term consequences were the least priority).

Just saying it humbly, I stop myself by thinking of what I am addicted to. And asking myself what gives me (personally) the right to dictate other's choices or assume I am right? I only know for myself shame or guilt increased my use. But this is adult-to-adult. Never the adult's impact on a child. Nothing justifies the harm she inflicted.

In the 80s it was well known how bad smoking is.

^^ In the early 80's I was sitting with my doctor having a smoke with him.

I am just as guilty, though I had no children, but pets. relatives. I know now it's some people's brain's attempt to self-medicate (new adhd drugs are based on the nicotinamide molecule), to regulate emotions and focus. I started once after quitting for years after deaths, grief, abuse, a natural disaster and a financial mega crisis as it was the least harmful option, suicide would have been the worst. I do not know if it was harmful to others, but God knows I gave all I had to others in my strength, physical help, care, love, prayers and energy, whether they were related or as strangers in my work. But I still also know I can be despised, whether by family, friend or stranger. Whether for their judgement of my lifestyle, ptsd, my behaviour, or just 'myself'.

I think you have full justification to feel what you do. I would dare to say it had more to do with her than targeting you however. My mother was loving and smoked. Others are unloving, including nonsmokers. From what you've said you suffered terribly at her hands. I am so sorry.

I think who is the most abusive are the individuals in companies making billions on what they knew and crafted all along. It's not by accident. And ultimately made a horrific situation for you even worse.