Anxiety and Alcohol

[frogthroat]

I wish I could just start doing art again

I didn't know you did art. Well wowee. I used to do pen and ink , acrylics, and marker. I like creepy lowbrow stuff and at the same time ridiculously adorable cute stuff. What mediums do you use? Also, maybe you would be better off just forcing yourself to try one more counselor. Explain yourself one more time. I'm deep in isolation to the point of whether I don't know if I can get out and what will happen if I don't force myself to try to break through. The drinking, the depression feel like you're drowning in concrete after so many years.

I think the question I would be asking myself is 'if I could choose - what would I want my life to look like without trauma' and then shoot for that. Walk the walk and talk the talk as often as you can.

That's good advice. I've tried this. I've tried going deep into Catholicism. I've tried other religions. I've worn many different masks. I don't think I realized how much I've let my trauma destroy me until I hit 30 and then I realized that I have no identity, no values, no real goals, and even morality is subjective to me. I see week to week basically. The problem is that nothing seems worthwhile to me and I don't know how to fix it. I don't even know how to want to fix it. It's complicated. Nothing feels good even things that should. I literally feel nothing or I feel despair and this wears on me and the trying to constantly put feelings away and be optimistic wears on me just as much. I feel like I have no real solution to my behavioral problems.

 

[shimmerz]

I don't know how to fix it. I don't even know how to want to fix it. It's complicated.

Yes, it is. And I don't know about you but I struggled for some time with not being able to make decisions which just destroyed my ability to even attempt new stuff.

So I started really, really, really, truly small. I chose to make homemade toothpaste (cause I think regular toothpaste destroys people's health). That was a value of my own that I could own.

So - my choice - my decision. I was going to make good for me toothpaste. And I was going to own that. And remind myself every time I could that that was ME. Mine. Nobody else's.

Try not to start so big. This part of you is just trying to develop and needs patience and kindness and encouragement. Just as if you were teaching a child how to take on new responsibilities. Kids love that you know. They feel so grown up when they get to do grown up things. I know that is a hard thing to get the head around when living in an adult body in an adult world.