Anxiety or dissociation??

[SeekingAfrica]

I'm having a really anxiety-filled horrible day(it's been getting worse each day this week) and for a first time it occurs to me that these anxiety filled days are somewhat dissociative too.

Like today. I've been anxious since I woke up, but I've been trying to push through. Everything has been going so slow, so painful. I've been doing chunks of work and breathing to calm in between. Finally I decided to go buy food for lunch hoping the walk will make it better but it got worse.

I started panicking from that moment. My whole body has been in panic mode, all my muscles tightened, breathing heavily. The walk to the bakery felt like forever. It's 3 flights of stairs and 7min walk, but I felt like I was sleepwalking. Every step forward mechanical as if I'm only half there. Half-crying at every louder sound and getting startled. Unable to adjust my breathing. Feeling like every step is far and heavy and I am surprised I am still walking.
Usually when I'm anxious outside I play Sudoku on my phone, but my eyes kept going over the numbers like they were foreign to me. I couldn't make a single thought that make sense other than "keep walking to the bakery, get food and get back home. just keep walking". Before I left I made a list of things I shouldn't forget to do today, hoping to manage them even if it's in small pieces.

As I was walking back, I kept walking mechanically. There were times when it felt so impossible, being present, that my eyes kept unfocusing and I even closed them for a second at times. All kinds of memories of one of my traumas kept rushing through me(more audio and sensitory memories rather than "seeing" them) and I couldn't remember anything else that made sense, other than keep walking and try to work today even in small chunks. I feel really far still, typing this, like I'm in a dream. All my body is rigid and "breathing through this" is just not cutting it. I know I'll do my job today, whether it's in small parts throughout the day or in one piece after I'm calm, but that is all I can think about. All that is further in the future, that I have to plan, I can't, I don't know how, I barely know how to be here. While walking back I felt fainty and almost had to sit down twice. On 7min walk(15 both ways, but still)...I don't know what this is more, anxiety, dissociation, memories? But it's getting pretty bad.

 

[Justmehere]

Dissociation can be seen as a maladaptive coping tool/brain response to deal with overwhelming anxiety.

All of what you describe is being in a a survival mode state (fight flight or freeze) when it's not helpful anymore.

Look into mindfulness and grounding techniques. These skills are all about connecting to this moment now, right now, not the past, and not the future, but right now --- and can help bring the brain/body out of the fight/flight/freeze states that you are struggling with.

One mindfulness technique (and these are so many, so don't give up if one doesn't help): notice everything of one particular color around you. If I do it right now, I notice the blue chair on the train, the blue wording on the sign, the blue sky outside, etc. Then I move on to green, yellow, etc.

One grounding technique: strong safe sensations. Holding ice, smelling something strong (pleasing or unpleasant smells can work), tasting spicy food, etc. It's got to be strong and safe. It's another way to bring the brain/body this this moment right now, and out of the trauma of the past.

Containment techniques might also help. Something many therapists do with clients is have them imagine putting the trauma in a box or container and leaving it somewhere to deal with later. For me, I'll write down three words about the trauma that is coming up and put it away for later. Somehow this can work to give myself/my brain to let go of it for now, and deal with it later.

I hope things get better soon. :hug: