Undiagnosed Any Advice? Am I Safe?

[kyli988]

I haven't been professionally diagnosed but have all the symptoms of PTSD. Had chaotic upbringing and was suicidal as a teen. Attempted hanging twice. This year I suffered a miscarriage and lost my mother to mnd, had no support from family or husband when I was in need and asking for help. I was also assaulted in my job which I have now left. I feel like these experiences have completely skewed reality. In April, May and June I was having a lot of panic attacks and becoming psychotic. I broke some things because they looked wrong and hid in corners of the house. A couple of times I was convinced that my husband was trying to kill me and that he could get in my head and make me kill myself. I hid from him but also hit him twice which I am totally ashamed of. He said he understood that I was scared and that I didn't hurt him. I have sought professional help and was given antidepressants and talked to about depression which I have experienced and which I know doesn't describe what I am suffering with. I have started reading THE BODY KEEPS THE SCORE by Bressel Van der Kolk which is an amazing read and helps my understanding and am also working through the mood juice website's workbook. I'm not having panic attacks and psychosis anymore but the stress is still debilitating. I hardly go out and when I do I nearly always throw up in my mouth a little (sorry that's gross). A couple of weeks ago after an argument with my husband he started packing my things in a suitcase and hit me in the back and dragged me out of bed. I've never had a reason to be scared of him before. Now I don't know whether I have created so much stress for him that he lost control and acted out of character or whether he is actually abusive. I hope that someone out there has the time to read all that and could give me some advice.

 

[reddy4765]

is this the first time he's hit you? and have you spoken to your doc re: your psychotic symptoms and social anxiety? that's where i'd start. wishing you well.

 

[kyli988]

Thankyou. Yes it's the first time. I have spoken to my GP a few times and been referred to mental health team but haven't been given an appointment. I had an initial phone appointment and they agreed with the GP that i had depression. I saw a councilor privately who listed PTSD as an area of expertise but after I told him my mother had died he lectured about the grieving process he said he would get in touch to say when he was next available and didn't. I know I have problems asserting myself and really should push for an appointment. I just can't tell whether I am overreacting and feel scared because of stress or anxiety or whether I should be scared.

 

[Ka-9]

Welcome Kyli, and so glad you're here- just my humble opinion, but I'd really make sure you can get a professional diagnosis from the mental health practitioners, no matter if you need to see more than 1 source/doctor, you owe it to yourself to make sure you know exactly (or as close as is possible) what conditions may exist, so you have best chances for effective treatment.

 

[hodge]

Kyli, I also encourage you to get that mental health appt ASAP. Almost hanging yourself twice is no small thing. See whoever you can get an appt. with for now, like Monday or ASAP, even if it's just for "triage," i.e., emergency care. You can always look for a more suitable therapist later if you don't feel you can work long-term with the first one. Just get yourself to a mental health professional ASAP. Do it to save yourself. And your marriage. Since it's the first time he ever hit you, it was probably him being overwhelmed and frustrated. But, how long have you guys been together?

 

[kyli988]

Thanks. We've been together for nearly eight years and only had real problems in the past 6 months. I was suicidal as a teenager and received help with depression inc CBT. I'm not suicidal and not having panic attacks just feel that I have symptoms of PTSD and not depression and have trouble getting a diagnosis or treatment with NHS and so far have found I've got on better with self help as I'm not having panic attacks. I was caring for my mother and her death was very traumatic and couldn't get anyone to help. Wouldn't want to go into details but have flashbacks and get very jumpy around health professionals as I feel she was mistreated.

 

[hodge]

Oh, okay, then, I would think then that you are safe with him. Still, I think your fear level really requires professional help. I understand it can be triggering because of your experience, but I also think you owe it to yourself and your marriage to give someone a try. You might be pleasantly surprised. And if you're not, you can try with someone else again after a rest period. It's great that you are not now suicidal or depressed or having panic attacks, but you are still having flashbacks and that's not good, as you know.

My bottom line advice right now? Do everything you can to protect your marriage. Your husband is probably your main support and you need that. I'm in the same boat. Before I was diagnosed, I was going off the rails and criticizing him for all kinds of stupid things, just out of my general anger at all my past abusers. I hated myself even as I was doing it, but couldn't stop until I got help. Thank God, he stuck with me, and we now have a great relationship again. He is my primary supporter and I owe it to him to do everything I can to keep getting better.

 

[kyli988]

Thanks for you're advice hodge. Can i ask what help you've had? I think you are right and I probably shouldn't be making judgements and should try again with another councillor. I'm glad to know you have a great relationship after having hard times. Did you ever have marriage counseling or did things get better without?

 

[hodge]

Nothing in my life has ever gotten any better without therapy. I think I've been extremely lucky with therapists. I've had about 10 or so in my life (I'm in my early 50s, so don't freak out :-) ). But, no, things have never gotten better on their own. That's why I'm such a big advocate for therapy. I've been in it off and on since I was 15. For most of my life it was about my abusive mom. I had numerous other traumas happen to me, but they never got even mentioned because my problems with my mom were always so overwhelming. Pretty much when I had a revelation about how to deal with her is when my PTSD symptoms started, about 2002-2003. It was like, okay, one thing solved, then everything else bubbled to the surface, big time. Still, I held on thinking I could manage things until I finally broke down in 2006 and went to a new therapist out of desperation and got diagnosed. I am disgusted that I waited that long, but am glad I finally did get help. Within, hmm, I'd say about six months of that therapy, I had gotten the anger out of my system and was no longer taking things out on my husband.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Welcome to the forums :hug: I hope this place helps you. It's very useful because of the bulk amount of people who feel similar and understand. There is a lot of advice and support to be found here :) I hope that this amazing community helps you as much as it helped me, reading all the similar stories, and learning a lot along the way. Hugs if you accept :hug:

 

[Freedomfighter]

I haven't been professionally diagnosed but have all the symptoms of PTSD. Had chaotic upbringing and w...

I am so very sorry to hear about the abuse you have faced. Anyone that would ever lay a hand on me in anger, even if it is just once, would have to leave. I had a complete stranger do that to me within an aircraft and it was very difficult to keep my composure. I have been abused by an ex husband for over 25 years and yes there were tremendous difficulties. How does one find back after having to fight abuse for so long? I do not know the answer.

But then there are these cases where one does not quite know anymore when certain rules apply. Some may think this is funny but it wasn't: for example: if a precious little devil keeps you up every night by sawing logs all night: do you then get understanding when you rudely awaken that someone with physical means? Just to stop it, o.k. sounds funny but it isn't.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I'm not sure where you are in the uk but some areas have s mental health crisis team and if you're having anymore psychosis symptoms I would suggest getting them involved. If you're feeling suicidal or unsafe go to a&e they usually have a mental health professional on call.

The NHS is stretched pretty thin I spent 2 years on a waiting list for therapy and it took 8 years to be diagnosed although I wasn't exactly forthcoming with my trauma history. There are some excellent mental Heath charity's in the uk again I don't know where you are or what's available but a quick Google should help with that as well you can ask your GP about any they know of and can refer to.

I would keep going to your GP and explain how bad things are you need help. Tell them about your symptoms and ask if they can get you an emergency appointment with a mental Heath professional. They may only manage to get you into see someone for evaluation atm but you really have to push and keep pushing to get anywhere.