Relationship Any Advice In Welcome.

[LlamaSadFace]

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost three years now. He served in Iraq, this was before I met him. When we first met he was for the most part very honest with me. Told me about his PTSD, his past marriage he was getting out of, and trouble that he is in with the law. At the beginning of the relationship he was drinking heavily and then come to find out doing drugs as well. He went to jail for about a month or so, and then went to the VA for rehabilitation. For about a year and a half he did so well. Our communication was so good. He let me know when he was down and having bad anxiety, when he felt the urge to want to do drugs. A month before his LAST court date he started using again. All his money is gone, we just moved into a place of our own. And now he is possibly looking at jail time because he failed his He lied to me for a month, I knew something was going on, I could feel it in my stomach. But every time I would ask he swore up and down he wasn't doing anything, made me feel like I was crazy and pretty much saying I don't trust him because I am asking him questions. Then come to find out I was right. I love him more then life its self. We have been talking lately about marriage, having kids, starting our life together, and then this. It just feels like a slap in the face. I question how am I going to gain this trust back that had already been lost from the first time he had done drugs in the beginning of our relationship. It feels 10 times worse now though because we have been together a lot longer, and have built up so much. I want to and will be staying with him, helping him in any way I possibly can. I just feel so hurt, and alone (he is again at the VA and has been there since a few days before Christmas. But I am glad he is there and trying to get the help that he needs.) I just want to see if there are any options out there that can help me, to help him and myself. Any options or encouraging words would be great. Thank you everyone in advance.

 

[kona355]

@LlamaSadFace - Tread carefully.

Firm, healthy boundaries are needed in your circumstances. It takes work to figure out what those boundaries need to be, where they need to be in place, and what consequences will result if the boundaries are violated. This is logical planning.

Now, the emotional side: How we feel influences how we act and choose to react to another in whom trust is desired, both to give and receive. Our emotions can be unreliable guides, but at the same time must be taken into account.

Having said this, when the work of setting boundaries is done and you decide on the course of action you'll take in certain events, like him using again, spending rent money to buy, etc., this is where you'll need to be firm and follow through on whatever consequences you chose before hand, to impose.

When that time comes, emotions will flood in causing doubt, and in many cases, well intended people will simply fold under the pressure. Guilt will build, and if your boyfriend uses it to manipulate you and you yield, I don't have to tell you where it will lead.

Bottom line is to take care of yourself, then you'll be better able to help him, if he allows it.

 

[catlover26]

I divorced my workaholic husband and met a Vet with ptsd that I didn't realize was also an Alcoholic. He has been sober 30 years but he would tell anyone it is a day to day struggle. And it is for me to to have patience with him and to know I can't fix him. I can only take care of myself.

He was in AA for 10 years so I decided in Aug to start attending Al Anon meetings. It has made all the difference in me in being able to get on with my life. Not focusing just on my past problems or my Vet's problems but work on myself and what I can handle and my day to day struggles and turn it over to a Higher Power. It's hard to do. Very hard to do at times but I have a great group that have been through so much themselves and are great to talk to.

You might want to think about visiting an Al Anon group and see what it is like. It helps to know that you are not alone and can talk to someone anonymously where what you "say there, stays there" always. Talking to others in the same situation will help give you strength to do whatever you decide you need to do.

I wish you the best!