Relationship Any luck/tips getting your issues resolved with your so?

[Hojay]

It's almost like the subject matter of the conversation no longer matters. The fact that he won't/ can't/ isn't well enough to have it is maybe a deal breaker for you.

Yes! And it's in.fu.ri.a.ting after a while. Really, I can only sigh at this point. Then I think, really, I'm going to end this because he won't talk to me about that stupid text? Then I remember, it's about much more than that. Honesty, safety, secrecy, the works. It is a real deal breaker. Stupid thing is, I think we do agree on those terms. But then he goes ahead and pulls something like that, so it's like I have to go back in and redraw the contract with him. All this could have been soooo much easier...ugh.

@Congruency All of the above: FASCINATING! And super helpful. Thank you for walking me through it like that.

Harold Raush’s landmark book Communication, Conflict, and Marriage.

Need to order ASAP.

As you'll see it was succinct. And notice there was no preamble. I just started right with the subject. No prep. No slowly getting into what I wanted to say. No saying, "You may not like what I'm going to say" or something similar.

Yes, this here...I'm usually an incredibly blunt, honest to a fault kind of person. I like to communicate directly. Then, over time, I noticed my SO would like to get hung up on certain words and phrases I'd used. He'd grab them and run off into some sort of distorted thinking about them, picking a fight and very much derailing the conversation. So that's when I started choosing my words very wisely and speaking in kind of roundabout ways. I will go through the conversation beforehand, picking the words and phrases I will use as to minimize the risk of him latching onto something and blowing up. It's helped to keep outbursts at a (somewhat) minimum, but it sure hasn't helped me get my point across.

I've also stopped telling him how I feel. It's just too painful to try and communicate my feelings and have the conversation turn around on me in minutes.

Maybe I need to stop doing that, speaking in roundabout ways and not coming straight out with how I feel. I think you're right, short, sweet, to the point. I love the conversation you mentioned you had with your husband. I can very much see that working just as well with my SO. And from what you describe, we're very similar. Volatile, highly emotional. I should pay more attention to how I would feel and ask him to do the same.

Thinking on it, though, I wonder if all I'd get would be "yes, I understand," with no real action and consequence attached to it. It's not only about getting my point across, it's also receiving information from him that I need. Currently he's sitting on it as if it were a pot of gold.

At this point, I really don't think he's trying to hide anything. I think he's being bratty, self-righteous, and avoidant about it all.

Men don't like indirect communication. My husband wants me to just say what I mean and not spend time finding the right words. That's the worst thing I ever tried to do in our communication with each other.

Yes, I'm the same way. Just another example of me bending myself into a pretzel to make this work somehow.

THANK YOU!

 

[Mytime]

Just listen to how men talk to each other. They don’t pick their words, they go straight to the point. I still get the feeling he believes he addressed the issue. You wanting to go back to it could be making him feel like you just want to keep throwing his mistakes in his face.
Like I said before. His perception, could be different from yours. I understand you talked to him in the beginning about trust ect. That doesn’t mean he feels the same. I feel if the conversation you need to have with him about trust, secrecy,ect is more about each other’s views. You may be able to get your answers because it’s more about how each of you see and feel about things. It’s no longer, you did this. Your asking for a different approach. This would be mine. I really do hope you get what you need. I know how hard it is to be stuck in a place of feeling unheard or misunderstood of how your feeling. It sucks!!

 

[Hojay]

I feel if the conversation you need to have with him about trust, secrecy,ect is more about each other’s views.

Absolutely, that's the conversation I have in mind. And it's an important one to have in every relationship. I'm beyond talking to him about texts or who that woman was/is/isn't. I need to talk to him about the issues you mention above, trust and secrecy. How do I view them; how does he view them? But that hasn't been possible. Or rather, he's not even giving me the chance to have the conversation I need--he panics preemptively at this point. He says he's afraid it will escalate, i.e. I won't let him calm down when he needs to (something I was guilty of in the past.) It feels like he's blaming me for not being able to have the conversation I need. It's twisted, almost like he's punishing me for having made mistakes, or like he's purposefully not letting that go because it's a great excuse not to talk. That's also me being a bitch right now. I know how terrible those moments were for him...

I need to get back to being more direct. I lost that along the way of him throwing stuff in my face I never said. For all the direct talking "men like," he sure isn't very direct himself. He also reads into very direct statements I make, twists them, panics about them, and off he goes. Most of the time it doesn't matter what I say or how I say it, he'll panic and lash out.

I still get the feeling he believes he addressed the issue.

If that's the case, he's either dense or very immature. Though he can be a toddler when symptomatic, he usually is neither.

 

[Buttercup]

It feels like he's blaming me for not being able to have the conversation I need. It's twisted, almost like he's punishing me for having made mistakes,

Yes! Exactly how I feel in my situation.

 

[LuckiLee]

So yesterday J got upset about something I did. Told me why it upsets him. Blah blah blah. I then say "can I say something?" Yes. I said one sentence and was cut off. Pissed me the fu*k off. And he knew I was mad. And apologized. But I still wasn't able to state my feelings.

He went to work and came home with a different attitude. He realized I was mad and he knew I had reason to be mad. I was able to express my thoughts and he kissed my azz all night.

A year ago it would have been blown way out of proportion and we would have avoided conversation for a couple of days instead of a couple of hours.

 

[Buttercup]

So how did things change @leehalf?

 

[LuckiLee]

Wow. Good question @Buttercup. I had to think about it for a while.

Alot has changed.

I educated myself. He did the same.
I took the advice @Sighs and @Sweetpea76 give. I learned when he's in PTSD mode nothing and i mean nothing I say or do is right. So I remove myself from the situation. He can't verbally assault me if I'm not in the room. I work really hard keeping stress away from him if I can. I wouldn't call it walking on eggshells but I know what his "quirks" are now so it's alot easier.

He works harder than I do though. He's come a long way! He takes his recovery seriously now. And he shares so much with me and I just listen. He explains his symptoms to me. His nightmares. His trauma's. (some if them). And I listen. He cries and talks of his "brothers". He talks about his childhood. His therapy. The guys in group. And I listen.

When that happened yesterday and he cut me off. I stopped. Anything I said or did would have escalated everything! He stormed out of the house (walked to get the mail). I finished my breakfast and he went to work. He texted about an hour later apologized and expressed his love and thanks for being there for him.

He has a much better understanding of the disorder now. And we communicate. And I listen.

It's a work in progress. We're a team. And we love each other.

 

[Snowflakes]

And he shares so much with me and I just listen.

Oh my......I hope and dream for that day. I’m happy for you and your vet, that is awesome.

 

[LuckiLee]

Thanks @Snowflakes! He's a different kind of "sufferer" from what I've learned. Most people don't share like J does. I've asked him about it too. He says he tells me things for two reasons. 1. So I have a better understanding if why he does what he does. And 2. Because he'd rather share with me (then with the guys in group) because I matter.

I pray you and the Mrs. get there one day. It definitely takes hard work from both parties.

XO

 

[Buttercup]

Wow @leehalf That is a really positive story, even if it feels far from it for you sometimes. And of course positive in a PTSD relationship story. :)

 

[Hojay]

That is really awesome @leehalf, also that he’s come such a long way to communicate like that! When you say you came home with a different attitude, what do you mean by that? Only thing I could think of doing is giving something of a silent treatment to “communicate” my hurt feelings later. But that doesn’t feel right to me :)

 

[dulcia]

I'm a bit late to the game, but this is something I struggled with nearly all of my relationship up until the very end.

She wrote him on a Sunday night and, according to him (I don't know, cause he deleted the content of the actual message) she just wrote "how are you doing.?" He was confused about why she would do that, he says, and deleted the message to avoid conflict.

^ Mine did this. I think finding a good balance between secrecy and transparency is important, like @Congruency said, but I don't think you're going to be able to find any sort of balance if y'all aren't able to openly talk about this other woman (or more so, the hiding of her texts), especially since it is something that seems to be bothering you significantly. And hell yeah to love languages! It's a super good way to learn how to better communicate with someone.

This may be sh*tty advice, but honestly the consistent thing that allowed him to open up and for us to discuss heavy or sensitive topics? Alcohol. We'd go out for dinner and drinks and after a few, he'd be much more willing to talk it out. Not like I was drugging him with alcohol to get him to talk (*rolls eyes*), but we did drink often.