iraq2003-2005
ptsd is a debilitating stressor, especially on relationships. i spent almost two years in iraq, when i returned my whole world seemed to fall apart. i was horrible to my family, i treated my wife and kids horribly. i was full of anger and rage and i didn't know why, i sometimes became frightening to my wife and kids. i slammed doors and yelled and cursed them all, everything was their fault and not mine. i sometimes drank and scared my family to the point of their leaving the house. i am in the process of writing a book on my experiences in and out of the combat zone. my experiences took me through the gates of hell and back and i thank god that i still have my life! i will leave you with a small part of what i have wrote, i'm sorry its so looong but, here it goes. let me know if this touches any areas that you or your husband are experiencing:
The nightmares of death have always kept me from getting a good night rest. The fear of death was always on my shoulders. I always had one foot in my grave trying hard to keep my other foot grounded in reality, I had to be ever so watchful of everything around me and I had to be in the right frame of mind to complete a mission. Ever so watchful of where I stepped, so as not to set off a life-taking land mine. Ever so watchful of snipers, who could easily end your life with one shot, ever so watchful of roadside bombs or car bombs, which could tear your armored vehicle to shreds. How I turned off the fear in the moment of combat, I still do not know. But one thing is certain; the fear of death haunts me more than it ever did when I was at war. The fear of death; it is a daily struggle to try and overcome. The fear of death, I can’t seem to shake it off. When the time permitted, I would often write letters to my family. I would ask people in my unit or friends in my hometown to keep the letters and deliver the letters to my family in a timely fashion in the event of my death. In each letter I would express my last wishes and words of comfort to each of my closest family members, my mother, and father, my children and my sister. I even detailed my wishes for a funeral and by doing so; I was prepared to walk through the gates of hell and into combat.
I once had a warrior mentality and an indomitable spirit, I enjoyed and loved being with family and friends and enjoyed things such as auto mechanics, fishing and visiting family. Since my return from the combat zone my spirit was now broken and full of discomfort, everything seems to be driving me up the wall. I’ve become, irritable, angry, unapproachable, and selfish. I was stuck in combat mode; the anxiety of still being in combat (in my mind) became mental torment. My mind raced with hyper vigilance and I remained on high alert, because of this I suffered anxiety attacks on a daily basis and I found I could not be still as I sat, and I was unable to visit my own family. The palm of my hands would sweat profusely and shake uncontrollably. My family took notice of my behavior and became deeply concerned with my unexplained actions. They tried comforting me in ways that made me feel like I was being smothered and I felt more at ease being away from them. I found comfort in isolating myself from everyone and everything I once knew and in the process of isolating myself I hurt the ones I love most, my family. I isolated myself from everyone including friends and co-workers, and I isolated myself from the things that I once enjoyed. I was lost, my inability to think straight severely hindered my ability to concentrate on things I tasked myself to do in order to get me through the day. I have never been so forgetful and I cannot recall a lot of things of my past, Multi-tasking is still a feat to overcome. The stress of everything happening at once became unbearable; I became mentally and emotionally exhausted and had no energy to do the things I once enjoyed. I was teetering on the brink of insanity almost to the point of no return. I found that I could not comprehend what life was supposed to be, and so the bottle of whiskey became my friend.
I try hard to suppress the adrenaline that sometimes over flows throughout my body. It is hard on my mind, on my soul and on my emotions. It continuously takes a toll on my body, as the muscle memory of reacting to combat remains intact. I am now more aware of my surroundings. I became affected with “tunnel vision” and found myself getting mentally prepared for battle, but in reality, there are no battles to fight at home. My marriage crumbled due to my inability to communicate with my wife as well as my inability to control my heavy drinking, I was mean when I drank, I called her foul names such as slut, bitch and whore. My behavior became dangerous as I manipulated my wife while I was drunk, I controlled her every move by threatening divorce if she didn’t do the things I wanted done. Blind to the fact that all she wanted to do was reassured and love me, I instead broke dishes and furniture, kicked in doors and scared the kids in the process. I don’t think they will ever forgive me for frightening them the way I did. I accused my wife of infidelity when it was actually me who was the infidel with constant extra marital affairs. She would leave our relationship only to return through my manipulation with high hopes for the future and our relationship. Continuously, I blamed her for all my problems when she called me paranoid and delusional. Little unbeknown it was true, and I was paranoid and delusional. I was self destructive and made her cry almost everyday we were together. Three months after I returned from the combat zone, She filed for divorce. Our divorce was finalized a year later, she never looked back, I hope they can one day forgive me for what I have put them through.
That was a long time ago. And now, I watch my returning Marine brothers suffer in the same way I did. I watch as they unknowingly destroy their relationships and marriages as well as their careers and reputations. Within the ranks of the Marine Corps DUIs’ and domestic violence as well as child abuse are at an all time high. The incident blotters had countless names of a few Marines I proudly served with in combat. Several of my fellow Marines abused alcohol to the point of being rushed to the emergency room for alcohol poisoning, a few attempted suicide and others began using drugs. Several others began dangerous behaviors such as drug trafficking and promiscuous sex. These were the men I served with; they put their lives on the line to protect their fellow Marines and their country. They are brothers, they are family, and since their victorious return from the battle fields of Iraq, they were now on a slow path of self destruction. It was obvious to me that these Marines had no idea that they were affected by combat stress, and it was making them do things that they normally wouldn’t do. They were destroying themselves and the career that they worked so hard for. And I know that there are a countless number of Marines out there who are aware of what they are going through yet they remain “under the radar” so to speak. They are afraid to approach their enlisted leaders and commanders for fear of retribution and possibly being belittled for what may be perceived as weak and unbecoming a United States Marine. Some leaders in a command remain unaware of symptoms and effects of Combat Stress and their usual answer is this: If you can walk and talk and effectively communicate, then there is nothing wrong with you. “You have no visible physical ailments or disabilities preventing you from doing your job so go back to work…” Asking for help with combat stress was intimidating and stressful to the point of saying “screw it”. I have found myself asking not once, but three times since my return from Combat in Iraq. Each time I sought help I felt on the brink of insanity, mental torment is what I felt. I felt helpless in trying cope with Combat Stress. I felt ostracized by my own fellow Marines and my command, they were supposed to help me, I was instead chastised and so I turned to heavy drinking.
this is just a small part of what i have experienced with PTSD. remember, there is hope, your husband needs to recognize his debilitator which is PTSD. if he doesn't, with time it will tear your relationship apart. the only thing you can do is support him, i know, it's already tough to do that. feel free to write back. james.
