Any Suggestions

[anthony]

CBT, nor any therapy model is a miracle cure, its about nutting through each aspect until you find resolve. Some can find it quicker than another, but if you aren't actually identify emotion, reviewing it, how it came about, what you can do to logically change it or remove it, then nothing changes... and things just keep stacking up until you burst. That burst can be a breakdown, lash out at someone, kill yourself, attempted OD, etc. Its about recognising yourself constantly to consistently balance your own internal emotional cup.

 

[Nicolette]

I can't imagine ever being able to forgive him for what he did. I have so much hate in me towards him, it scares me at times.

There is a huge gap though between forgiveness and carrying the hate. The hate isn't hurting him, its hurting you. What are you achieving by carrying that hate? Is it making you feel better or worse?

I am guilty of not only carrying hate but then taking it and applying it to the entire race of men due to what my ex-husband did to me.

From my experience hatred is an inability to successfully process what happened and come to an acceptance of it. You don't even have to get as far as forgiveness but you have to lay the cards on the table, keep the ones which are yours and work on those. The cards which belong to others...you give them back/discard them and do not take responsibility for what others did as you can only control you.

Hatred is funny as while it is a reaction to being hurt it actually keeps you in contact with that person mentally. While you carry hate you carry the thoughts of that person and what they did to you. I don't know the answer to how to let go of the hatred as that is probably an individual thing. For me, I woke up one day and realised that while 'he' was off merrily living his life I was the one still living in the past unable to move forward with my life. It was not 'him' holding me back but me, myself. That was hard to swallow but as soon as I did I found ways to process my anger in a healthy way to my advantage. I took out my anger on the treadmill and with the weights at a gym. I would come out feeling refreshed and happy. The upside was I started looking more toned and got even more male attention and slowly the self esteem came creeping back and with it a future filled with possibilities as my attitude changed with my self esteem (funny that!).

If I have learned anything hatred is like a cancer which can take over your insides without you even realising it.

My advice do something to 'let go' of the anger/hatred... no one is asking you to forget or forgive. I actually had a burning ceremony and took everything, put it in a metal bin and watched in burn while telling myself it was over.

I think if you are able to free yourself from the hatred you carry then the likelihood of having flashbacks may lessen.

 

[lilstar]

Thanks nicolette I do get what your saying, i'm just gonna have to put it into practise.

As for the CBT and EMDR convo, i've had EMDR for a completly different trauma, and I found it has worked. I haven't lost all the emotional side to it but thats okay I didn't want to cause I think it's normal to be upset alittle and I needed to grieve to.

 

[Nyx]

The body actually stores the trauma, carries its marks. That's why the treadmill, running, boxing or any type of physical activity will always make you feel better. Because the body lets go. Unfortunately, the process is a little more difficult with the brain.

 

[anthony]

i've had EMDR for a completly different trauma, and I found it has worked. I haven't lost all the emotional side to it but thats okay I didn't want to cause I think it's normal to be upset alittle and I needed to grieve to.

No therapy will remove the emotional aspects that tie the event to your brain... I would be scared for anyone who partook in something that did remove the emotional connection completely.

EMDR is very good at the trauma, but the problem is that it doesn't teach people any strategies or techniques. This is how retraumatisation occurs... being existing trauma is healed, but you still suffer daily from anxiety, depression, etc... then another trauma occurs in your life, and it will occur, then suddenly your brain drags up everything from the past and bam... retraumatised with the existing trauma due to a current trauma, usually because the person never learnt the skillset to evaluate themself, evaluate their emotional state, to pull apart an event and break it down into emotions, then review and isolate each emotion to find the logic / reason to the specific feeling, then associate that feeling to the specific aspect of the trauma.

I see some on the PTSD Forum begin to do this, they start to get better, then they just think its all over and dump it. Wrong... it must become a new skillset permanently, so you're constantly evaluating your own emotional state, pretty much it must become an instinctive skill, not something you have to try at. If you try... you get worn out. When you learn it and apply it so much that it becomes instinctive, suddenly you do forget about it, but notice yourself just doing things.

You could think about a lot of things one does and how that specific came about... usually the same process through repetition.

 

[anthony]

I think I'm going to have to write completely new articles for this site on specific aspects of CBT and more importantly skillsets themselves to adopt into your daily life in order to begin healing fully and lessen the chances of retraumatisation later in life.

 

[cherryblossom]

That will be a great addition to the forum, Anthony. You have a wealth of information to share with us all. Even in my first therapy session today, I found some things coming from my therapist, that rang true ... and had already been said to me..... by you. Not that I didn't trust what you said but sometimes it takes re-inforcement from different people and different sources to make you see it. I have sometimes read responses to my posts (on various forums), and thought that someone was just trying to make me feel better. And I'm sure others have been in the same position. But eventually, a few people tell you the same thing, and you begin to realise that maybe it's true, and that your thinking is wharped.

I really don't want to get into specifics right now (because I should be in bed), but hopefully you understand what I mean.

 

[anthony]

I get it... and that is very true, being that you get told it enough times and you begin to take notice that your thinking style is negative / skewed, so you know what to change it towards based on having to trust that these common statements are what would be considered more healthy vs. destructive.

That is what people need to get... its not normal vs. abnormal or warped, but what is destructive to your health vs. good for your health. If a specific method of thinking isn't helping you, then the obvious choice is to force yourself to change by repetition and knowledge to apply.

 

[cherryblossom]

I'm actually finding this site to be very beneficial to my own way of thinking. I find myself giving out positive advice to members, whilst at the same time taking it in to myself, my own feelings. I have so many destructive and negative thoughts about myself .... but telling others about thier negative thoughts strikes me as blindingly obvious. I think I need to be a little kinder to myself, and maybe take some of my own advice!

 

[Nicolette]

That is what people need to get... its not normal vs. abnormal or warped, but what is destructive to your health vs. good for your health. If a specific method of thinking isn't helping you, then the obvious choice is to force yourself to change by repetition and knowledge to apply.

I agree with this and add you must trust and believe in yourself when creating new patterns. It is easy for self doubt to creep back in and revert to old 'comfortable ways'. Not only do you have to "talk the talk" you also have to "walk the talk" - believe, trust and live it. Words create the platform for re-training but words are hollow unless supported by actions.

It's not easy breaking negative thought patterns but it can be done. It also helps if you surround yourself with the people who you would like to be like as you reflect what you see!

 

[Misery]

Maybe get a cat, or dog ?

When I'm sad or having flashbacks, or just dwelling.. I look at my cats or they come to me or I try to think about them doing something silly.

Might work for other people as well? Or maybe create a little plushie pet or buy one. It helps bring at least a few good feelings into the current thoughts I have. Just a few good things is enough to make it bare-able or sometimes goes away for a while.. I mean it isn't perfect and won't always cheer you up.. but I mean even if it works one time that's great in my opinion.

Just some ideas to try, hope it helps.

♥
Misery