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Anyone know what this is?

Ghazi

Learning
I’ve noticed a change in my behaviour which began approximately 4-5 years ago. I am in my mid 40’s now.
I have these moments where I have an idea, I drop pretty much everything else in pursuit of this idea because it becomes the priority. It is the star of the show.

I pursue it, research, spend money on it.. only to come to the realisation days or weeks after I begin that it was an impossible idea and no person with common sense would have pursued it.

I never used to be like this, I have always been calm and calculated, always been self employed and usually approaching ideas fully prepared and planned from start to finish, and more times than not getting it right.

As an example, last year I got into my head that I was going to move abroad to a country I’d never been to, had no connections to, didn’t speak a word of the language and was not in a financial situation to even consider it.

But somehow I was totally convinced that I was moving and had formulated a fool proof plan. I was going to purchase vehicle diagnostic equipment, move to this country within the next few months and start a business diagnosing vehicle faults.
I was going to rent a unit, find somewhere to live all with perhaps a months worth of living funds at most. And I’d hit the ground running and make lots of profit.

I proceeded to source the equipment needed, I travelled hundreds of miles and spent a few grand on the equipment and made plans to learn how to use it expertly.

My whole mood changes during this time I become positive and hopeful, looking forward to this sure thing coming to fruition. I’m even planning what I will spend my first profits on. Im living in a fantasy.

This went on for about week, and then I snapped out of it and realised how totally unrealistic my thinking had been and the time and money I’d wasted on an impossible pipe dream which had consumed me.

I can’t put it down to just not being very good at these sort of things because that was never the case before.
 
What were you running from?
Its always been an aim of mine to make enough money to move to live a simpler more peaceful traditional life.

I wouldn’t say running as I understand my problems will go with me wherever I go and have no control over that.
But I can control my environment and I’d like to live in a more peaceful relaxed environment.
 
I dabble in a little crypto trading here and there, a few weeks ago I was convinced I was going to become an overnight millionaire and finally get to make my move.

And I was actively making trades in pursuit of that fantasy like I was going to reach my targets by the end of week. Then I snap out of it and realise im not living in reality.

Come to think of it, the last 3 years have been full of financial decisions which have been totally not the right thing to do, I would never have made them choices before and have suffered pretty severely financially. I’ve gone from a pretty comfortable position to being broke, not due to loss of trade or bad periods. But due to nonsensical choices coupled with a lack of desire.
 
I get the need to go live in the woods when things are going badly. Mostly because I don't want to deal with people. The worst things get the more I want to get away. Its a last resort when I feel like I can't get anything right and everything/everybody sucks.
 
I get the need to go live in the woods when things are going badly. Mostly because I don't want to deal with people. The worst things get the more I want to get away. It’s a last resort when I feel like I can't get anything right and everything/everybody sucks.
Yea I relate to that. It’s pretty much where I been at mentally my whole life. I’m not a pessimist, it’s just what it is.

It sounds like hypo-mania to me... (Mild bipolar maybe?)
thanks. Will do some reading on it.
 
I also yoyo between the behaviour described above, and then totally opposite doom and gloom, I’m drowning, sinking, barely surviving day to day.

And this shows in my relationships I go from totally obsessed with that person and able to ignore things I’m unhappy with in that person as if it’s not big deal.

To feeling betrayed and unable to forget those things that I’m not happy about.

From saviour to traitor in a continuous loop.
 
The yoyo-ing could fit bipolar pretty well. Hypo-mania or mania phases can be quite hard to treat. When people are depressed, they're usually aware they're depressed and seek help. But during hypo-mania or mania, people are often so delusional that they insist they're FINE (cos hypo/mania does FEEL fine) and insist that they don't need treatment. (Hypo/mania has nothing to do with psychosis, but the reluctance to seeking treatment is similar in both cases because the delusions are so convincing to the individual.)

Another thing that comes to mind re switching back and forth between distinctly different states is the "splitting" that can happen in trauma to one's personality. That doesn't have to mean full-blown dissociative identity disorder with what used to be known as "split personalities" but it comes in more subtle forms too and is on a continuum. Even mentally "normal/ healthy" people have these different internal ego states (for example the ego state that tries to please your boss at work so you don't get in trouble or the ego state that "behaves well" in public VS the ego state of when you're home alone and do socially unacceptable things like fart, pick your nose or ignore phone calls and pretend not to be home to evade people's demands on you.) Everyone has those kind of seperate ego states, but as trauma (especially childhood trauma during development) increases, the tendency for the ego states to become more and more fragmented also increases - for example the compliant ego state that goes along with whatever an abuser demands, so as to ensure survival VS the very angry ego state that hates and resents the abuser for the abuse. Some people find it helpful to investigate potential ego states in therapy, others find it confusing and unhelpful.
 
Could be cyclothymia (which is essentially baby-bipolar, never reaching the highest highs, nor lowest lows, and rarely if ever mixed episodes), could be bipolar, could be hormone imbalance, could be a mild or exacerbating seizure disorder, could be long or short term side effects of various medications, could be your ptsd interacting with a whole helluva lotta other things to create a fairly predictable pattern of loss of impulse control & mood instability… in short? It could be a LOT of things. Physiological, neurological, psychological, neurotrophic, or a combination of ANY/ALL 4.

100% worth getting evaluated by a pro, including full medical work up & medication review.
 
I’ve noticed a change in my behaviour which began approximately 4-5 years ago. I am in my mid 40’s now.
I have these moments where I have an idea, I drop pretty much everything else in pursuit of this idea because it becomes the priority. It is the star of the show.

I pursue it, research, spend money on it.. only to come to the realisation days or weeks after I begin that it was an impossible idea and no person with common sense would have pursued it.

I never used to be like this, I have always been calm and calculated, always been self employed and usually approaching ideas fully prepared and planned from start to finish, and more times than not getting it right.

As an example, last year I got into my head that I was going to move abroad to a country I’d never been to, had no connections to, didn’t speak a word of the language and was not in a financial situation to even consider it.

But somehow I was totally convinced that I was moving and had formulated a fool proof plan. I was going to purchase vehicle diagnostic equipment, move to this country within the next few months and start a business diagnosing vehicle faults.
I was going to rent a unit, find somewhere to live all with perhaps a months worth of living funds at most. And I’d hit the ground running and make lots of profit.

I proceeded to source the equipment needed, I travelled hundreds of miles and spent a few grand on the equipment and made plans to learn how to use it expertly.

My whole mood changes during this time I become positive and hopeful, looking forward to this sure thing coming to fruition. I’m even planning what I will spend my first profits on. Im living in a fantasy.

This went on for about week, and then I snapped out of it and realised how totally unrealistic my thinking had been and the time and money I’d wasted on an impossible pipe dream which had consumed me.

I can’t put it down to just not being very good at these sort of things because that was never the case before.
Rose, this sounds familiar to phases I went through many years ago. It fits some elements of 'Manic Depression ' . This was part of the offshoots of PTSD with which I was victimized.
I am not a shrink but the fact that you recognize that this is a problem, sounds like a good place to be.
Best wishes and I hope you have a happy new year!
 
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