I finally got somewhere with this! (and I can finally also respond to the responses like I wanted to be able to do awhile ago.)
At my last session, I started off the session telling my therapist I had repetitive nightmares about her physically pushing me down. So she had me practice being able to say no to her, so that ALL of my brain would know I'm safe, and she asked how I felt in my body, and I felt young when I was telling her no...
I felt like me, not like someone else, and I didn't feel adult. I felt really sad and really horribly vulnerable. OMG, I nearly got up and left.
Instead, I told my therapist I was rather irritated with her, "Why are we doing this? I don't want to feel
this." I have the most. patient. therapist. ever. She was quite unphased.
My voice sounded different. The tone was different. It was my voice, felt like my voice, but was different in a way I can't describe. I had a hard time not going numb and letting myself feel that state.
She could tell what was happening and that I couldn't sit with it very long, so we worked on how to feel adult again. She had me tell her about my process of filing my small business taxes - not because she cared about that, but because in order to do that, I would have to get the adult me back online. I was talking about my taxes, saying all the things an adult would say, but she said the tone wasn't adult. Just the tone! ugh. It took me awhile to figure out what she meant. Apparently my inner kid state is overly intellectual and practical? So I had to talk about a boundary I held with someone that only and adult could do in the way I did it. Then I finally felt like the normal adult me.
We spent the rest of the session practicing my ability to set boundaries with her --- feeling those young feelings when I did --- and finding the adult me again. It helped me feel safe somehow?
I really don't understand what exactly happened in the session, but I do think I'm trusting my therapist, and myself, a lot more lately. I think this is the work I have been avoiding for a long time. Not the young state itself, but the sadness that is wrapped up with it.
Therapy. is. so. weird. I'm really not sure about what is happening.
Holding onto a pillow while sitting on a corner of the couch helped me. I sure hope that you find what best works for you.
This is a good idea - I was holding on to something in my hand that helped me not walk out. I thought we were just going to talk through my repeated nightmare, which was a doozy in and of itself!
What do you mean it's happening other places? Do you mean like the grocery store or other public places you go? I do know what you mean about speaking in a young sounding voice and having one that is shut out. This happens to me as well. My situation is similar, but my T is not going to understand this unfortunately. I also have trouble allowing myself to feel vulnerable
It's hard to explain. My emotional reaction to a couple of very specific triggers is more fitting for how a child or teenager would emotionally respond. I hide all of it to other people, but not to myself - it's exhausting and confusing. For the longest time, I couldn't even let myself feel any of it with my therapist... but I easily can feel it in a couple of very specific situations.
@pixel - Thanks for the good advice about how to open up more. It made a lot of sense to me. It helped to ask my therapist to tell me more about how the session went at the end of the session. I get so concerned we will go so far into something that I will dissociate and forget!
I have one very young insider who just doesn't like to come out and talk, but she holds most of our deepest hurts and sadness.
I think this is the case for me too - I didn't realize that state in me was holding so much vulnerable sadness... It hit me like a freight train.
No rush. These parts need to trust not only the T but you
This was spot on. I think the trust in me has been missing for a long time and only recently has been there...
They will write but no freaking way will they talk. Silence was my defense as a child, but maybe some day?
When I was in this state, all I wanted to express was my anger at my therapist... which was my defense mechanism as a child. I was the one who talked back, screamed, etc. -- only to my abuser and the one who neglected me. Everywhere else, I was the silent one.
@Muse - trying to have any internal communication was so hard for many years, I didn't even understand what therapists meant when they talked about it, until it just suddenly started to work when I started writing letters to my inner child. I started to write what I needed to hear as a kid. Now, it usually just feels like a self directed pep talk through tough times because I'm a lot more integrated - but at first, I could only do it by writing letters to myself... sort of... so hard to explain how it started to happen.
@Lissar - :hug: it was exhausting for me too! It is different than a flashback for me too.
@PURUSHA - vulnerability is usually my enemy! I hate it. :/ Feeling safe in 2017 and like the abuse is over seems to be a very key step to being able to feel any of this.
