I don't think it's okay to say "love hurts" and just keep doing it.
If you are switching/triggered a lot into "fight" mode, is that only occurring in the presence of this loved other? If when triggered, a survivor's first fight/flight/freeze/fawn response is to "fight" then, yes, there needs to be enough recovery and calming of the parasympathetic nervous system to the point that hurting others is not likely to occur.
Breaking up with someone is hurting them. How many men have committed suicide after being dumped by a long-term relationship?
Survivors are likely to say "I'm damaged" and this is why I hurt others. I do not accept that for myself or anyone else. I don't say, "carry on" if being in therapy is not making a dent in the "fight" emotional attack realm.
It is important to gain access to all 4 F's and to learn to use them in constructive, healing ways. Fight can become self-preservation in self-care.
My fight response has long consisted of lecturing someone I find triggering. I make them seem small as I expand my intellect and monologue. It has been hard work for me to realize I'm in a flashback, admit and accept it, and allow it, rather than react. My Fight response has taken various forms, all hurtful to me and the other person I care about. So turning it into assertiveness and compassion has helped morph it into something better. But also a lot of grieving is still always needed. One day at a time.
Agreement with those who say, it should be a mutual choice. Respect for the choice of the other is part of having healthy boundaries and relationship skills.
No more "watch me break up with you" and think you are doing them a favor. Not a healthy thought. More healing is needed, but maybe the other person wants to be part of that process. That is also fair and healthy.
I'm very happy and fortunate my husband decided I was worth the wait and the work. He's very patient, and he is good about encouraging and showing me where I have made my baby steps progress.
I have a lot to do left. Such as not Freezing when triggered. We all have our work to do.
Your post shows you are smart and clear enough to make it if the other person is willing, too. I hope it works out for you two.
If you are switching/triggered a lot into "fight" mode, is that only occurring in the presence of this loved other? If when triggered, a survivor's first fight/flight/freeze/fawn response is to "fight" then, yes, there needs to be enough recovery and calming of the parasympathetic nervous system to the point that hurting others is not likely to occur.
Breaking up with someone is hurting them. How many men have committed suicide after being dumped by a long-term relationship?
Survivors are likely to say "I'm damaged" and this is why I hurt others. I do not accept that for myself or anyone else. I don't say, "carry on" if being in therapy is not making a dent in the "fight" emotional attack realm.
It is important to gain access to all 4 F's and to learn to use them in constructive, healing ways. Fight can become self-preservation in self-care.
My fight response has long consisted of lecturing someone I find triggering. I make them seem small as I expand my intellect and monologue. It has been hard work for me to realize I'm in a flashback, admit and accept it, and allow it, rather than react. My Fight response has taken various forms, all hurtful to me and the other person I care about. So turning it into assertiveness and compassion has helped morph it into something better. But also a lot of grieving is still always needed. One day at a time.
Agreement with those who say, it should be a mutual choice. Respect for the choice of the other is part of having healthy boundaries and relationship skills.
No more "watch me break up with you" and think you are doing them a favor. Not a healthy thought. More healing is needed, but maybe the other person wants to be part of that process. That is also fair and healthy.
I'm very happy and fortunate my husband decided I was worth the wait and the work. He's very patient, and he is good about encouraging and showing me where I have made my baby steps progress.
I have a lot to do left. Such as not Freezing when triggered. We all have our work to do.
Your post shows you are smart and clear enough to make it if the other person is willing, too. I hope it works out for you two.
