Are Relationships Worth It?

[ifonly]

Today, I want to be on my own for the rest of my life. Alone I am uninterrupted, I know what's what and I know where I'm at. When another person is introduced to the mix, all hell breaks loose.

Tomorrow it might be a different story, but that's today's first thought on relationships.

 

[Srain]

Wow, great thread!

It's work for me, I agree. I get emotionally detached quite easily and dissociate often. Since I've been working with my tdoc I've learned that my attitude and way of seeing things can truly contribute to MY emotional detachment. It can feel risky for me to put myself out there.

I have invested myself into trying very hard to be there for my Son and Grandboys and my parts of my family. I have with other parts of my family as well and found it will not work for me. It's all risky, it all takes willingness on my part to work at grounding myself, to be available, to push myself out of my comfort zone, to be vulnerable, and to make mistakes because I have and I do.

I am learning ways to be intimate instead of packing it up and moving on, something my "all or nothing" train of thought tells me works.

Is it worth it, YES! Is it easy, no, it's not.

 

[ifonly]

I didn't realise it at the time but as I slowly made progress, yes I did have emotional detachment. I shut my H out.
He stuck by me, nurtured me, cared for me and eventually it worked. Once again my H has his wife back. Again are relationships worth it - yes.

Good for you, KP. This is pretty encouraging. My H shut me out for a long time. He was emotionally unattached - like a vaccuum. I tried so hard do all the right things, to love him more, to be nicer, kinder, better, more this, more that. I'd beg him to let me in. He still wouldn't. So I gave up. I shut him out. It was easier. Less stressful.

I became ambivalent toward him, life, death, intimacy, myself, the world. I put on a happy face in front of my friends but inside, I was broken.

He never asked me to let him back in to my life. Instead he just continued to lock me out, then he'd berate me for shutting him out & slag me off to his friends & family for it.

I had never been more lonely than when I was married.

 

[Zipperhead]

I start therapy tomorrow. (if they don't postpone it AGAIN). I would like to think that all my problems are going to be solved, and I will once again be able to feel appropriate feelings. That I will be able to have an intimate relationship with my wife again, without the fear and intense feelings of inadequacy. To not have to live a lie anymore. I think the worst part for me is feeling judged for my present state. I have problems with intimacy, therefore I must be doing X,Y and Z.

And this brings in another level to the hurt. Even if I learn to deal with my feelings, and can view love as an appropriate emotion again, how do you take back all the hurt and rejection that happened before. And the rejection has gone both ways. I don't blame her, I have put up my wall often enough that when I did try, it's only natural for her to return the favour. Is a relationship worth it? Yes. Is this going to work out? I don't know, but I need to get into therapy and find out.

 

[ifonly]

Brave Zipperhead :) That's awesome you're starting therapy tomorrow - well done you. The f

First step is often the hardest you know, so I hope you feel very proud you've come this far. Have you been to therapy before or is this your first time every? Relationships can be hard, there's no doubting that, but the rewards are worth it.

You expressed it a different way to me .. as in 'returning the favour' - I think of it as, "that which you put out is what you get back." My ex husband put out blankness, a locked door, isolation & an empty void. Eventually, that was what he got back. I became a mirror I guess (except that I kinda broke in the process - oops!).

Good for you, man. You're doing a great thing in learning and growing. Introspection is a wonderful thing :)

 

[maddog]

Isolating myself from the human world is the first thing that I instinctively do when the proverbial starts to hit the fan in my world. It happens almost without my awareness, and sadly, the more my friends try to reach out and connect with me at such times, the more and more fiercely I repel their advances. It leads to a lot of hurt, a lot of guilt, a lot of misunderstanding, because I think that even empathic well intentioned people who try to understand this phenomena probably can't a lot of the time. Somehow, almost all of my friends seem to come from the other end of the social spectrum and have enjoyed safe, healthy, nurturing and very socially connected upbringings and adult lives, which somehow just deepens the divide between us.

It's hard to not just conclude that it's all too hard. Actually, sometimes I wonder if that's what I have concluded, without even meaning to. Consciously I am trying to fight this, but it feels all wrong, and right now the prospect of even getting myself out the door and in to work this morning to face my colleagues is filling me with a nauseating dread.

Some day it will be different. I have to try to believe that, as others of you have had to believe it.

Maddog

 

[Emilie]

Thank you for this, I can defineatly relate and the advice is awesome Ted. I always would pick guys who reminded me of my abusers, unconsciously. I had a thing for trouble makers-but because deep down I felt I wasn't worth something better. I started dating my husband on the rebound, I didn't even like him at first but he was my ticket out of hell. As luck would have it, he turned out to be the catalyst for my change, and one of the most caring people I have ever met in my life. I struggle with knowing if he is right for me sometimes because sometimes I don't feel attracted(sometimes I just want to fall back into my old way of dating the crazy ones), but I think I'll only know once I'm better. Funny how life works sometimes.

I think that you need to love yourself enough to be in the right relationship for yourself-but just like my story, sometimes things just happen.

 

[Burke]

I like the last line you wrote Emilie. Hmmmm... I think this is the right relationship for me. I just don't feel capable of having a relationship right now. That makes me sad.