You want to try though right? And even though someone points at an open gate in the fence, you just stand there frozen. Green pastures on the other side, an open gate. But if you get near that gate something unexpected is going to jump out and you'll never get through that gate anyway, and probably be worse off than now. So we stand, tormented by the offer of the open gate. staring back at is, unable to make yet another attempt to go through it.
And then, on the other side of things, a whole bunch of people saying what an idiot, the open gate is there, and the stoopid horse just stands in the middle of the paddock. We gave it a way out. Why wont the stupid horse (assuming its just like them and NOT broken) go through the gate.
So you get it from both sides.
And being in this system is like those who opened the gate. They didnt know me when I ran free and with my head held high. They didnt see me leading 200 other horses safely. They never saw me toss my mane and leap obstacles without even spending too much time thinking on it.
All they see is a stoopid horse with hanging head and dull eyes. And so I get treated like I was born an idiot.
How great is that for their EGO being able to look down on us and be so g*d d**m*d condescending, congratulating themselves on their own superiority and abilities (in comparison).
Welcome to the frustration of ME still knowing who I am, and me still remembering what normal life is like, ok was like, and ME trying my damndest to find out about whats happening and why because nobody even explained anything (like I'm too stoopid to get it) and all they want is a dumb passive victim. Someone they can look down on so they can feel good about themselves.
Welcome to broken horse syndrome. Unbroken, I would have torn down those fences (electric or not because being a country girl I know they only ping to frighten but they dont kill) and now I jump through the roof if you touch me with a feather.
Its easy to blame me for not trying. Go find the ****'s that broke me. I still remember who I am. And I am holding onto that fragment and NOBODY is going to get near that part of me that isnt broken yet. That part is "hope" that one day I'll run wild and free again.
One day I'll walk through that gate and kick the teeth in of anyone who dares try to stop me. Because I was born free, and I lived free, and I remember.
Try this sh*t on someone who was born broken, they wont struggle. I'm going to struggle (mentally) til the day either this kills me or I'm free of it. Because I have that comparison that nobody else has, and I know *me*. And believe it or not that makes this even harder.
I used to fix other people's technical issues. So far I have killed my own laptop screen (just figured it out last night) by doing what I used to tell people DO NOT do....fooling with system files. The strange thing is I used to go in there with no drama because I know (knew) what I was doing. Well obviously my judgement is out. I also (get this) followed instructions on my computer (you know the no brainer things that tell you to update) and guess what? Same things happened that I used to go fix people's computers when they did it. I NEVER did anything auto and always made my own decisions and kept everything on manual.
Yep. I am a bit rattled today because that shows me the ***s in this system have trained me into obeying any instructions put in front of me. That never did anyone any good, and thats my goal this week to STOP before I obey and if I cant make a valid decision at the time, walk until I can. My obeying all the time its just becoming a bigger mess.
Anyone who ever worked with horses (anyone with half a brain) knows you can train a horse to saddle by working 'with' the horse and that horse and you then become a team. You trust each other. And that horse wont kick your teeth in, wont hang its head with dull eyes, but it will walk through fire for you.
Break a horse and all you have is a machine. And if its an idiot giving that machine instructions, the machine is going to be an idiot.
Ok. A little fight in me. This is a good thing. Now lets see how I hold up IN PERSON when I have to do it.
And dear god send me someone with sufficient intelligence to actually 'get it'.
