Are You Scared Of People?

[Grama-Herc]

This is a subject I have not really addressed here and quite frankly, it is something I am embarrassed about.

I am actually afraid of people. Just being around them causes me intense anxiety, panic and I begin to sweat profusely.

This has therefore, only worsened my agoraphobia. This is a serious issue for me and I am very curios if ANY ONE else is scared to death of even being around people.

As we all know stress weakens our immune system. My constant exposure to people recently related to my catching the cold from hell I caught. I have not had a cold in a zillion years. Months of being exposed to people when so terrified=stress=sick! But I am getting off subject

I am terrified of people, Are You? Or, maybe I should be asking WHY I'm scared of people.

 

[Luthien]

I suffer from extreme social anxiety. To this day, I find it almost impossible to make a phone call, I freeze up and cannot make myself do it. I become VERY anxious, and ill even, if I have to be in a large crowd.

In the past, I was unable to go shopping on my own, take a bus on my own walk into a bank and withdraw money. Basically, anything that required me to interact with another human being, especially if it was a stranger, and even worse if they happened to be male, was almost impossible for me.

I have made a lot of progress in this area, and am now able to almost function normally in most outdoor settings. I still freak out in malls, and still can't get over the phone thing, but I am much better than before. And OMG, Canada Day fireworks downtown has become impossible; I can't handle the crowd, especially leaving the Parliament area, because everyone is bumping into each other.

I definitely can't handle people touching me, even my husband, unless I have lots of warning and it is head on so I can see what they're doing.

Now that my husband is out of the country, I am finding it much harder to do things that involve other people, even grocery shop. It is like all my old fears and isolation is back. I am very afraid of people...though, looking at my past, I'd say it's pretty understandable.

I have a very small group of people I can handle, and the rest of them I tend to keep, at least, at arms length.

I know my reasons for all of this, though. I can't imagine what it must be like for you Grama-Herc, not knowing and having to live with it anyway. I wonder if that is why your fear is so severe.

I really feel for you.

 

[Mercy]

Yes, I'm afraid of people too. I have been becoming more and more isolated..can drive to therapy alone but can't do grocery stores, crowds, or outings without my husband like going to the zoo. It is something he likes and since we live as friends, it is the least I can do for him.

I don't expect this agoraphobia to go away since I was traffiked from so many places. I am working on staying with the present. One simple glance towards my feet is enough to tell me I am not a little girl.

Lately, I have been flooded with the feelings that go with some of my memories and sometimes the body memories and sometimes the memory with sound. I guess I have kept everything so carefully separate for so long each new part comes up as a shock that can be almost too much to bear.

 

[Dylan]

Hello GH,

Yes, I am afraid of people. Or, I should say, I fear the damage that I perceive they can do.

The fear used to express itself in extreme social phobia (at its worst, I would drive only at night because in the daytime there was a chance I'd meet an oncoming driver's eyes so....pretty bad).

Over the years (therapy, exposure, etc, etc.) it's gotten to where most people wouldn't notice it too much. I have a hard time speaking in meetings/groups, but that's so common it doesn't make me stand out too much (though my stress reaction is probably memorable), although I would bet that some people would describe me as "high strung" or tense.

My fear stems from ancient belief systems. This topic is uncannily on point with what I'm working on right now (unearthing, excavating, examining belief systems that I didn't even know where there to question).

I have several that set me up for panic/fear/anxiety around people:

• If I'm seen, I will be reviled/rejected (picture wholesale rejection, like Frankenstein or the Hunchback or the Elephant Man...that kind of complete/irrevocable rejection/revulsion/disgust/reviling)
• Therefore, I must NOT be seen (the real me) but...
• I can't NOT be seen; I am transparent

How's that for a catch-22 set up for panic and social phobia?
I'm finding that panic for me is always about being trapped; opposing, horrible belief systems that create a "I MUST find a way out, but I CAN'T" bind.

Mine comes from my past, but the belief systems have (unbeknownst to me) ruled and run most of my life's choices. These beliefs set up a trapped, lose/lose situation where I strain like hell to appear as 'good' or acceptable or normal. In short, to pass, as it were, like some evil changeling. But that incredible strain and effort can't be maintained and the anxiety of the mask slipping and being found out is incredibly wearing. Eventually, I either melt down or say 'screw it' and swing the pendulum the other way: I become "all bad". Then, after rejection ensues, my belief system is strengthened. Then, because it has been (in the past!) unconscous, I start all over again.

So, in my case, I have lived with the constant strain of hiding what must be horrific in me (but like Frankenstein and his ilk, we never understand just why we're hideous, just that we are), but also knowing that discovery is inevitable. Mix in the genetic and hormonal imperatives (i.e. oxytocin) and it's less like "rock and a hard place" and more like "blasting furnace and hell". No wonder life was such a frigging strain!

ANYway, that's the "why" that I've recently discovered lies behind my fear of people. I'd be interested to hear others' discoveries about their fear....

-Dylan

 

[Grama-Herc]

Dylan,

I found the phrase "to pass" very interesting. I believe I have spent most of my life trying "to pass" too.

The one thing that is clear and memorable to me about my breakdown is the phrase I kept repeating to anyone who would listen=I am so tired. Just let me rest, I am oh so tired. I spent the first 3 days of my hospital stay sleeping, and believe me it was not due to lack of sleep.

Of course I was tired! I had exhausted my mind and body just trying to exist as a
"normal" person for most of my life

Through a lot of effort and counseling, I have managed to develop what I call a safe zone. I have a gas station, Walmart and doctors where I can go with the least amount of panic. But watching me waiting in check out lines is actually a funny site. I sweat like I'm in the sun on a day of 100 degree weather.

When I had to go to the airport to pick up my daughter, I was early. So there I was waiting OMG! If anyone ever fit the profile of a "suspicious person" in an airport I certainly did. I was sweating and antsy and nervous----hell I was up and down--walking, sitting, pacing, sweating, you name it!

Sorry, off subject again! But an airport--an international airport--is no place for a person like me or you guys!

 

[LosFrida]

I'm extremely mistrustful of people in general and certain people (who bear resemblances to past abusers) do scare me.

 

[cragger65]

Yeah, me too. I think I've been extremely social phobic since my teens. It has been better at times, like in my early/mid twenties, but over all it's always been an issue for me. Much more so now. I was torn to shreds in a group by the therapist at the hospital about 6 years ago, and I often fear that someone is just going to start screaming at me, putting me down. I was in rough shape to start with, that just finished me off completely. I still struggle with that one often.

 

[Grama-Herc]

LosFrida,

While I understand your feelings, this is more than a mistrust of people. This is a fear of them. Almost to becoming a phobia.

I am terrified of people themselves. I do not relate to them. I do not understand them. I do not want them around me and can not handle them in my house either.

"IF" and I say "IF" I find myself in a group of people I begin to talk nervously, to the point of ridiculous rambling and not shutting up til I can figure out how to get out of the room. Which brings up another problem. In this situation I feel so trapped my brain can not figure out how to get away. I have trouble figuring out how to get out of the room.

This is craziness. I am an adult of semi-intelligence, so how can I let this fear run my life. But it is. FEAR, I am over come with fear. I need to go to the store today and I am already having heart palpitations. The only way to get me to do this is to wait until I am "out of bread" or meds. Then I have no choice--I have to go.

Throw in being sick for so long-house bound-and I have lost all the progress I made in my ability to leave the house. A grown woman in this condition simply sucks!

Guess I woke up riding my broom this morning. I feel like letting the flying monkeys out of their cages! This is also known as being in a REALLY BAD MOOD!

 

[morgan]

I have a hard time with social phobia still. I no longer isolate and that has brought my fear of people to the forefront. each time I am around other people it gets a little better.
As time goes by without incident I am able to be a little more open.

I never forget though, that people are not always what they seem to be and I always proceed with caution.

So far I am doing well with finding that balance. Others cannot tell that I live in fear by looking at me. I usually have to tell them.

 

[Grama-Herc]

Morgan

I remember the first time someone said that they would have never guessed I was
"like I was" as she said. We learn to hide it well, don't we?

That may be why I just choose to stay home. Don't have to put up the front. After all it is very exhausting to have to keep that front up.

 

[TLight]

Yes, I realized lately that my whole life it has been incredably difficult for me to be around people. They are triggering to me and I experience great fear. But I seem to have developed an amazing set of social skills as a coping mechanism just to earn a living. I was in customer service for 25 years and had a nervous breakdown due to the extreme stress, plus was treated pretty badly.
Mostly, I think I just came to a place several years ago that it was so exhausting putting up the front that I just decided isolation on my down times was all I could do.
I had so many terrible experiences with people, that I decided I hated them...truly hated anything having to do with humans...hence I became a biologist thinking I'd get away from them. Didn't quite work.

Now I've found a select few good people who know about my illness and who love me just for who I am. I feel relaxed around them and am able to let my guard down and I don't feel so alone. This is extremely risky for me; I still feel great fear, but after nothing terrible happening for almost a year now and they still call and want to see how I am and spend time with me...well, let's just say it is healing.

Now I have constant social engagements with my new boyfriends friends, who he has known since childhood. He assures me he only allows good people in his circle and is constantly reminding me that I'm safe. He is very good that way, but I still am not quite myself around them as yet. My social skills kick in and they see a mask. Perhaps time will heal this too.

 

[Dylan]

I very much relate to how exhausting it is to keep up the front, trying to appear normal. Growing up, because of the feeling of being "other", I thought I might be a sociopath; that and living in a (then) state of perpetual numbness and seeming to be so unlike "people" (I would actually say things like, "I'm not like people" as if I were a creation apart).

The general heightened sense of vigilance and tension never goes away, not even with exposure. What is seeming to help for me is addressing the belief systems creating, driving and perpetuating the fear.

I was listening to a CD yesterday that works with rewiring the brain and the gal said something that nailed it for me: "Connection to yourself is the source of your security and power". That's what I'm working on: connecting, and staying connected more of the time, to my "authentic self". Only then do I feel solid and have any security.

I am still tired, though, at this point. :rolleyes: