Arm Shaking

[Chava]

This happens in therapy...we are assuming a sort of stuck or "freeze" response....wanting to push away or shield myself, while simultaneously wanting to connect (confusion of abuse coming from primary caregiver). So we're trying to separate out these impulses so that I don't have to feel stuck with that shaking and stuck in general. I haven't gotten very far but that's basically what that's about. Not sure if anyone relates to that sort of body response.

But now sometimes my arm is shaking outside of treatment. It does not seem tremor-like (have that in my family, I understand it)...just random shaking and I can't figure out what my hand is supposed to do. I also just don't want to go there. It's all connected to really bad feelings.

My therapist is gone for a month. Do any of you work out this somatic stuff on your own? I'm a little creeped out because I'm just starting to realize how f*cked up my early years were. Maybe I'll just soak my hand in warm water when it's agitated? It's okay at work, doing things. Just sitting quietly or working on something, the shaky impulses keep coming and I don't have good responses for this weird shit on my own right now.

I don't even know how much longer I'll do therapy or what I'm supposed to look for while my therapist is out. I don't know what to budget for because she probably won't reply to my questions about continuing if insurance won't pay. I have to figure out what I quit or give up. I feel a little trapped. And maybe that's the hand stuff for now. Too much weird shit coming up and I don't know where to go or how to take care of my hand. I used to burn my wrists to kill this energy but I think I'm beyond that. I'm disorganized in my head right now.

Thanks for even reading if that made any sense.:alien::O_o::wacky:

 

[shimmerz]

Do any of you work out this somatic stuff on your own? I'm a little creeped out because I'm just starting to realize how f*cked up my early years were.

Yes. I worked out seemingly crazy stuff somatically. I found that things came and went. My only thoughts are, try to trust that your body is trying to release and it will release it. I think your idea of warm water on it is great!

 

[scout86]

@Chava , I was just thinking about you! I got a book yesterday, from the library, that you might find interesting and maybe helpful. It's called "Muscular Retraining for Pain-Free Living", by Craig Williamson. (He has a web site, I just looked.) There's too much to it to try to briefly explain. I started reading the book this morning and thought of you right away.

Does soaking your hand in warm water help? If it does, that seems like it can't hurt.

I can't figure out what my hand is supposed to do.

For the moment, what it's "supposed" to do is what you want it to do, isn't it? It seems like these body memories must be a bit like other traumatic memories. Things get stuck "back there and back then". When that gets confusing and overwhelming, it helps to make it clear to ourselves that this ISN'T back there and then, it's here and now. Is it possible to more or less ground your hand by deliberately focusing on your hand in the present moment? Seems like the water might do that. Seems like focusing on what you hand feels NOW might do that? And then maybe give ti different things to feel? I'm honestly not sure that's how it works. This is kind of around the edges of something I'm working on for myself.

I don't know what to budget for because she probably won't reply to my questions about continuing if insurance won't pay.

You don't know what to budget because she "probably won't reply to" your questions??? Her "probably" not replying doesn't make sense as a reason. Her NOT replying is a reason. You NOT asking is a reason. "Probably not replying" makes no sense as a reason. I can understand you being reluctant to bring this up with her and get a clear answer. I can't understand her refusing to have to conversation and clarifying her position for you.

 

[greenleaf]

Hi @Chava . I agree with Scout; your T should be willing to talk about things that help you budget! Basic and reasonable to do so.

Re. your hand and the shaking... do you think that maybe an "EP" is more connected to this part of your body, but kinda dissociated off of your everyday experiencing self? I am thinking for myself that an EP is more connected to my left, esp. shoulder neck and foot. The feeling is intermittent but connected to an old emotional space/context, with occasional memory bits popping out at this point. This has been changing over time and started with deep itching on the left in the shoulder. Left side has loads more tension and still numb muscles. Sometimes the sensation for a body area is weirdly spatially like at the eye doctor when they make your vision split, and want you to force it together...

Maybe you have an EP that is upset and kinda more connected to that hand? Could you try to imagine doing something like soothing a shaking little girl owning that hand; gently holding it, if that is ok with her, and letting her be upset and shake? If she wants you to let it go, do... I like the warm water too. Maybe a bubble bath for the hand?

I know these parts are all "us" but even without being DID some of us can have odd separations, it seems. When to use "I" vs "she" gets weird. Am reading Van der Kolk right now.... structural dissociation thread too.

 

[Chava]

Thank you @shimmerz , @scout86 , and @greenleaf

Thanks for the book recommendation scout, I will look up. I'm just starting a new one on pain management. It's sort of a behavioral approach. I'm not interested in behavioral approach via therapy, but on my own hopefully it's just more ideas and resources. Sometimes I am really motivated to take good care of myself and feel even gentle and patient with pain. Other times I honestly don't want to do anything about it because I feel it as a defense. Hopefully looking at it from different angles will continue to help me understand what is exacerbating it, and also what it is doing for me. Pathetic, I know. But it's like an eating disorder. I'm pain disordered.

@greenleaf, that makes sense to me. The arm stuff feels very physical and uncomfortable, but connected to me. The back pain actually feels disconnected, like a separate part of myself and we are not agreeing. probably a small, protective self. If I could live curled up in a little ball, I would, but that's really terrible for your back. I have a hard time holding myself up though...confusing physical/emotional glob of things going on there.

I wrapped my arm in compression tape. I'm sort of hating it, but trying it for a bit to see if things subdue. I think some pushing or resistance stuff might be good later but I have to be careful to not over-do because I don't sense the muscles that support my arms very well sometimes, probably like today.

 

[greenleaf]

@Chava -- you are totally not pathetic. Pain disordered makes lots of sense.

I like the wrapping idea. Please let me know if it is helping the arm. I forgot to mention; fuzzy things seem appreciated by my "left part" and everyday self (i.e. I like fuzzy things and probably have since I was little.) Your left hand could also rest on a stuffed animal, for instance. :hug:

Adult self has "this is silly" reactions sometimes but I ignore that now as best I can... I guess I am starting to occasionally believe this stuff is real? Still not 100% on that even though I have threatening emails from my brother stored in my account... ugh

 

[Chava]

Thanks @greenleaf ...wrapping seemed okay, a little helpful but not like WHOA!. Shaking got way worse a couple hours later anyway, but I think because I was trimming back on pain meds. But shaking started before I would have had any withdrawal (that hit more this afternoon)...waves of withdrawal shit just made it way worse. So I shook..and then broke apart a bunch of egg cartons and threw them down the hall. And then ripped them to shreds.

I can hold my cat with my left arm....he's a big fluffy lump. And I can take muscle relaxants pretty soon and that will be good for today. I don't feel right but I happy with myself for managing okay.

 

[greenleaf]

Hi @Chava -- that is great that you managed and that your cat is fluffy and lumpy. Your arm definitely deserves to hold a good cat like that, and lots of future good treatment too.

With my muscles etc. that went from not even "being there" in my sense of my body space to itchy to trembling sometimes to weirdly almost like the other side, it's been a slow process but this sort of comfort and treating it almost like a little girl until it feels more like "me" seems to help. Not a linear process, paying attention, patience, comforting seem to help. The deep itching is such a strange feeling.

Fuzziness, cat fur.

 

[Born to Run]

I am very familiar with what you describe. My therapy is based on Somatic Experiencing and Ego State therapy. Your brain wants to complete the impulse to push away the abusive caregiver, and shaking is a sign that your brain is processing that impulse. Your arm remembers and knows what to do. Let it shake as much as you can, consciously feel it, and try to feel the emotion accompanying this. Or actively make the movement of pushing someone away. Your body tells you you can do this outside therapy, otherwise it would not do that in terms of feeling safe enough. It is nothing to be afraid of. I have done a lot of bodily impulse completion on my own, and it is just as effective as doing it during therapy. It saves therapy time too. Non-completion is where the stuckness comes from, as you could never complete the impulse to push that person away as a child.

 

[Chava]

Thanks @Born to Run ...I've had lots of shaking which is sort of a release, but this kind of shaking is more like a "freeze"...stuck badly between competing impulses. Have you had anything like that? And it's hard to work with separating impulses on my own because I don't want to work with memories on my own. It did subdue for me but that took some compression, throwing stuff, breaking egg cartons (harmless but I broke the shit out of them), and some muscle relaxants.

For me the difference between shaking release and shaking freeze is that the release shaking ends in one or a few sessions. The freeze shaking continues until I follow figure out and follow competing impulses. Could be wanting to push away and also connect. But also just wanting to push away but feeling like I can't or I'll be hurt more or abandoned and die. It's a jumbly mess and that's really how the shaking feels.

Pushing, if I'm not in my head connecting to meaning of that urge, but just in my body, is helpful. So I just have to remember that...pushing and just feeling my hand and staying present but not getting caught in a story on my own. It might be the primary urge or it might be that pushing simply helps organize and let out some of the energy.

 

[Born to Run]

Hi @Chava, thank you for elaborating on the shaking. I have been thinking deeply and my freeze responses never involve any movement even if it is a freeze of one specific body part. I understand and experience the same as you describe with the shaking to release. I find it quite special what you describe as freeze would per definition be without movement, while in your case you keep moving. I recognise the competing impulses, but then I would go into freeze or faint not moving a thing. To move forward with a freeze is to just feel your body, and it will end at some point, it processes just like the other suppressed flight/fight responses. I must say that I have never been successful with freeze responses on my own at home. I reread your first post and you mention not wanting to have really bad stuff come up while being on your own. I agree and gosh it is crappy your therapist is away for a month. I find it difficult what to suggest, but your arm knows best what to do. You do not need to know cognitively why your arm needs to shake or shake freeze as you call it. I think if you need to shake it, it is still releasing energy, which should take away some of the discomfort. Do you have the option to contact your therapist when he/she is away?

 

[Chava]

I recognise the competing impulses, but then I would go into freeze or faint not moving a thing. To move forward with a freeze is to just feel your body, and it will end at some point, it processes just like the other suppressed flight/fight responses. I must say that I have never been successful with freeze responses on my own at home.

I relate to freeze as also totally stillness, muteness, and staring at nothing. This sort of shaking seems to be working not exactly that sort of freeze but trying to get out of it...like into a fight or flight, but the needs are conflicting (like when you seriously can't fight or really need the person who is hurting you). The shaking is like a mad confusion to get out of freeze and find the right release but it's stuck. "Stuck" might be a better word here. My therapist calls the freeze response this sort of stuck response...we shut down because we don't have options to fight or flee.

On my own I usually operate in a different mode or drop into the still and staring freeze...but for the most part I feel safe in my house, on my own. I don't have many feeling. If needed, I can often make myself go for a walk to remind myself that I'm not actually immobilized, but I don't try to sort out the trauma impulses on my own. I can deal with the energy a little but not connected feelings or memories.

Anyway, this shaking isn't releasing anything. It's the stuck sort of energy. Think of an electronic toy running into a wall. It's still got all that energy, buzzing, but it's not moving. I have to sort out where this energy goes in therapy. I've worked on this one for a long time. Nothing feels right, it just keeps shaking. And when I try to do something like push or touch anything, it's like I'm touching hot stove....horribly hyper-sensitive and every option feels horrible and impossible (so freeze like, but trying to unfreeze).

I can probably e-mail my therapist but I don't know if she'll respond so I'd rather not bother. I'm going to distract myself by focusing on more mechanical aspects of pain, like exercises I can do, etc.

Thanks again @Born to Run