My first real vaginal penetration sex was rape. I was raped by a married woman as I was waking up in the morning with the usual erection that guys have at age 16. I didn't want it. I hated what she did to me. It totally destroyed the plan my girlfriend and I had to give up our virginity to each other the next weekend and that destroyed relationship. I also was sexually assaulted by both of my grandmothers. I have somehow managed to hide this from my aware mind ever since my very young childhood. It has all come back to full active memory since my PTSD was maximized by events earlier this year. I was put in a psych ward because of lies my ex wife told my doctor. My very first memories of sexual feelings of the kind that you would normally have when puberty sets in are in me from before I was five years old. They are memories of being tied up and sodomized in ways by one of my grandmothers. I actually began to like it and started tying myself up when I was about four to five. I won't say what other things happened.
I somehow managed to keep this buried in my mind for the entire 44 years we were married. We actually had a good sex life until she went through menopause. Then her libido vanished. I am still able to perform well and very much need a woman to live with, for love and for sex. I am 66 but my natural testosterone was just measured three weeks ago. It is at the same level as a 20 year old. No idea why it is still so high. For some reason all the sexual abuse has not affected me a lot except in certain ways that I have been able control ok. What I can't control is the severe physical abuse that my father did including broken bones at age two and near death later.
Then I was diagnosed with Hep c five years ago and that was the near total end of sex in our marriage. Over the last 10 to 15 years I have always had to ask my ex wife for sex and sometimes she would accommodate me. After the Hep C diagnosis we have had sex three times in five years. That isn't much, especially for me.
I have no idea why my testosterone is so high and I have no idea why I don't seem to be more seriously affected by early sex abuse. I am badly affected by the violent physical abuse. Even the slightest trace of anything that even sounds like violence, like people swearing or slamming a door activates my PTSD instantly to the max. That sort of thing and actual physical violence happened daily at the psych ward. I am now taking Oxazepam and it is working well as a mood leveller. It is preventing me from going into the "flee" side of my PTSD which is how I react to violence.
I am wondering what it is going to be like when I try to find another woman to spend time with. I won't do that until my Hep C is cured because I refuse to do anything with anybody that might somehow give them Hep C. My PTSD was cranked up after my ex abandoned me so I don't know what it will be like to try and spend any time in an intimate relationship with another woman with all of my sexual abuse now unlocked. There are a lot of unknowns I am now facing. That is in particular what might happen in relation to my very early sex abuse. I am afraid of how that might turn out.
I also have issues that are related to the military but I won't talk about that. I was involved in a part of the military that I am still not permitted to even mention.
