As A Career Move

[Stickler]

I am severely depressed. It's bipolar depression. It has not been under control for a long time-I've been pretty much severely depressed since 2008.
I occasionally get mixed symptoms to make it festive. I'm not functioning well at all.

...I'm not humaning well anymore.
I am just not.
I would like to either get better or not be here. Instead I'm just here.

My doctor told me I was getting better, but said it in such a way that...I took it as I might never feel any better. Even though I would be functioning better?
At the time I was really pushing myself to function better, and...I felt really f*cked-up and shaky about it. So thinking I was going to feel like that, permanently, was really disheartening.
So I got bronchitis and just got really sick, and slept for a few days.

I forced myself out last night and...people moved away from me, I was humaning that badly. I'm a horror.
It's alright. I'm at the level of depressed that I make other people's skin crawl.
I'm bad, I feel like I need to die.

 

[ladee]

@Stickler ...is there one that wants to die or does eveyone, including yourself feel this way?
Setting quietly with you..
So you know you aren't alone.

 

[Stickler]

thx

 

[Stickler]

I sort of stopped listening to the other people in my head.
DBT said to not feel the un-useful feelings, right?
Well, I can choose not to feel anything.
None of my feelings are useful, so I stopped feeling them.
Now I just feel numb.

I stopped listening to my alters, that shit's silly. Stupid. It didn't get me better, normal, functional. What good is it?

 

[ladee]

Well maybe teeny little pieces will "un numb" and you will find your purpose.
You do have a purpose Stickler and like me..it has nothing to do with the status quo.
Is there anything you like to do? I tried the "college and mainstream" stuff and it wasn't for me. It was boring and the only challenges I had were trying to stay grounded..so I felt like a failure.
It wasn't that at all..it just wasn't for me..
I found my niche in being a private caregiver for Alzheimer's patients. Suprisingly I understood that disease and self educated along the way.
I made a living..was good at what I did..and had purpose.
Just giving you another way to look at things..
Would be highly symptomatic and yet was still successful.
Setting with you.

 

[Stickler]

I'm supposed to help others.
...I can't help myself anymore.
...I'm just a drain on my mom and I ought to die so she can stop.
Or disappear.

 

[Stickler]

I'm angry at myself for a failure to stop failing, or a failure to stop living. I'm exhausted. I'm a horrible person. I'm going back to sleep.

 

[ladee]

I didn't mean for you to do what I did..I meant find something for yourself.
You are very intelligent Stickler. There has to be something you can do..
Proof read...research...I know you make jewelry.
I'll be quite now. And just set with you.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Stickler Why do you think that people were moving away from you??? Were you having a hard time being in the moment? Was is because you're uncomfortable with groups of people?? Just looking for more information to see if myself or others can help you....

 

[Stickler]

I felt very bad and awkward. I think I am a bad person.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Stickler Ok, I'm not great when I go out either. I feel like the 3rd man out. And I'm a woman... LOL!!!! I know it's difficult, but I think the first thing that you need to do is stop calling yourself names, and stop say what a bad person you are. Doing this just adds and cements these UNTRUE thoughts into our minds. YOU are not a bad person....

Exposure therapy might help. That means going out more often, but only stay short burst of times. Maybe just having a drink or soda, saying hi to a few people and then leaving. But doing it a bit more often...

Are you in therapy????

 

[joeylittle]

@Stickler - I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now, and I'm glad you posted about it.

Bipolar - from my observation, not experience - is super-hard to manage without the right meds. Put PTSD on top, and I think that makes the boulder even bigger.

If I remember right, you have a fairly specific medication regimen that you developed for yourself, from some nootropics and other things.

Have you considered/or would you be willing to consider something a little more old-school, like Lithium, or Latuda?