The real me
New Here
I've not spoke much on here, because I wasn't sure, but someone noticed me right off the bat and that gave me some confidence, I've read people's conversations and questions... and this group is non judgeing.... to admit to feel like this is humiliating and as childish as this sounds maybe someone can help me out here,
I'm so very pissed annoyed and agitated with myself right now!
WHY AM I SO NAIVE, WHY CANT I SEE THINGS FOR WHAT THEY ARE. WHY DO I STILL ALLOW PEOPLE TO MAKE ME FEEL SO LITTLE?
I am a grown adult I have 2 (just of age adults) and a 13 year old. I've been married 22 years ( married early at 20 ) but yet I feel like a little kid. Like I'm back in junior Highschool with all the drama..Im powerless in making myself do what needs to be done because of the Loyalty I have or maybe it's a fear of losing the one person who I believe saved and changed my life... or maybe all combined....
I'm watching myself get very out of sorts over something even though I see how toxic it is, but then my mind switches gears and I think of how I'm a different person, how just taking little steps have changed things, how having a person not only be encouraging, but for someone to finally trust and believe in me.. to confide in and share things with. To like me for knowing the real me flaws and all. To not have to have my past be shown, but to tell if I choose, to not be felt sorry for...
I hate this.
Another tid bit of information so you can hopefully understand a bit better and makes this even worse.
I went to school for child psychology to help kids who are abandoned or abused who are just a seen and not heard, who is used as a slave. I did this because in my teenage years the fight became so bad that the police we at our house to many time to count. Even though my dad was so intoxicated because he was an adult and I was a kid I was taken in for a 72 hrs mental "exam" I remember meeting the counselor and no way was I speaking to that person, that's the moment I decided I wanted to be able to help kids in my situation.
I am not very book smart but I did pass my courses, I don't get paid nor do people make appointments with me. I got involved in kid sports, school events, I can get down to a teen or child's level, they trust me, schools call me, I even get letters from our city courts to meet with a child or a police office will stop by and talk to me about a kid and ask me to meet them. In the past 10 years I have become "a safe house" for 8 kids, ( meaning there is a court paper that instead of the kids running away or staying in the house during rough times they can leave, and if they are at my house the parents cannot take them and the police will inforce this, two kids actually live with me...
I talk with these kids about everything including friendships and fakenesss and rumors and all sorts of things.... so why am I so tore up it's like I can see clearly until it includes myself.
I was my dads punching bag, the scape goat, the never will amount to anything....the one he made fun off picked on and humiliated.. "the red headed step child". He was judge, lawyer and jury, I was never allowed to explain or defend myself.
( a quick back history, he is not my biological dad but I didn't know until late teens, obviously I am the oldest and have 3 siblings that are biologically his and my mom's)
With being his personal punching bag, whipping tree and during his drunk in state, much much more.
Although my hatred was beyond for him I didn't succumb to the scared, child. I took the other road I was a fighter, you could hurt me with words but before you got close I'd be kicking your ass.
I never got close with anyone I had a group I hung out with but no one ever knew my secrets and things, I did Not trust. I may if said some things but never fully trusted ever...If you had a problem with someone I'd handle it for you or go down trying,I am very protective with people I like and will protect ones that get walked over...and continued on....if you accused me of something I would do everything and anything to prove my innocence, then be done with you, but if you called me a liar, (WHICH I AM NOT) I go beyond proving my innocence it's a bad trigger (I just learned that) I truly lose control, another thing I swore to god I'd never be, because I was accused of it even when I didn't even know what I was being accused or beat for...I thought I had things under control, I wasn't going to be a statistic and let my passed abuse affect me, I just pushed it down.
But then ..... the triggers came more and more and in my late 20's I was not that person.... I married at 20 ( yes for love, and still together) and we had some major issues,
(90%related to the abuser but that's a total different story)
In my early 30's I started having bad dizzy spells and then finally panic attacks.
About 5 years ago I just gave up and fizzled out I went into a depression state, I felt invisible to people, When I would try to talk, I could feel the anxiety build because, I didn't believe I fit with anyone. I was jobless, friendsless did nothing, why was I even here...I never left my room, didn't speak and the worst was I barely spoke with my kids let alone my husband. Things were awful, I had NO ONE... no friends, ( again I never got close to anyone) just teenagers I spoke to, my sibblings well they thought and believed things my dad instilled in them about me growing up....
I was reading a book and started to discuss it.( long story short, I hit it off with someone she got my email and we talked about everything and anything from 7am to midnight... all day everyday. We exchanged numbers and met and introduced our families, it was so unique... it took me 38 years to find a best friend, we continued our conversations all day every day. She was really, in my head the person who saved me.
She inspired me, gave me self confidence made be try things and put things in motion I never thought possible.....I had a chance and I wanted to be better I wanted things...she was my person....... .and then last week she just..... well ended our friendship... but said "we can still talk" (WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN) I asked her and she avoided it... I cried for days I thought what happened...
Well long story short this is a pattern she has. It has been shown that she gets bored and need to feel like a do gooder she finds people who are down and out and says the right things, but is also manipulating because she knows she is the only one you trust and uses it against you... I went to my therapist last week and today and realized I was also her scapegoat, we would vent to each other and help one another out but lately she made me feel worse after venting to her. I was her pleaser, the one she could control, instead of answering questions or avoiding them she would change it to I have insecurities and if I have to ask I don't really trust her.
I fought myself on what to believe but because of her I did a lot of changing, I was starting to like what I was becoming...
I still have no idea why she did this....
If I didn't like something or something made me mad I normally would of just told the person ( in a nice way) and be done with it weather they spoke to me again or not....
But with her..... I can't I couldn't I just tried to make everything seem good and deal with my hurt on my own, now when she had an issue she would lay into me regardless.....
I was a peace keeper, even if what she said made no sense I'd find a way to apologize or make it better,maybe I was afraid to loose someone that means the world to me ( other then my husband and children)
She just told me about 2 months ago if something is bothering me I should trust we can work it out. We are best friends and we will get through it. We have been tight for 5 years...I figured, she is right maybe I should just go to her.... So I did..
It wasn't good at first but we talked and she apologized and I forgave her because I believed her.
But 24 hrs later it was if I was in the twighlight zone! out of nowhere she was pissed and called me untrustworthy a liar, insecure.... she blamed me for an insult she gave to me....said she dosent think she should of apologized ....and she found out I was planning a surprise b-day and was beyond mad and asked me what gave me that right, but her words weren't her, she has never spoke to me like that, I asked her what I lied about and she avoided it, but instead would take something we did and twist it to now being mad. I asked her what is going on. She spoke of a situation the day she insulted me. She told me my story dosent add up with others.
I had told her she meant one person the girl she met not even 2 months ago and what happened and told her again how her "new" friend had asked me about something humiliating from my past that she could of only heard from my BFF. I can't even begin to tell you about the adrenaline and Shakes at that moment. I not only told her of Her friend messaging about it later I REMINDER HER I GAVE HER MY PHONE at that moment and said here you can see the whole conversation, but that didn't matter she avoided it and continued to bash me about insecurities and accusations....
She also got on me about not being able to understand what I say in a text or email, because it hardly ever makes sense, and if that wasn't a good enough dig, she then began to tell me, how I interrupt a conversation to prove a point, or when I speak, it sounds like I'm a teenager and not a 43 year old, and maybe I need to take some classes in learning to speak my age.
I froze, I didn't know what to say, I know I have communication problems I told her that.....and I kept thinking if this was anyone else in the world I would of knocked her out, but I can't with her.... WHY?
Come to find out one of her friends must of felt morally conflicted and send me an email that goes back for years... she showed me many texts, pics and conversations and said it's up to me to decide if I want to see them as coincidence or a pattern....
It's killing me, I have been back and forth on the person I thought was a real best friend and had helped me, but now even though everything points to it I can't even admit she was playing me,I went back to doing what I always do and try to make excuses in my head and convince myself she isn't like this
I did everything for her, we never had any major issues and became very close with her child and in reality she saved me, I am so much more then back then because of her. Why do I feel a need to find a way to make things right? My therapist ask if why I am self sabotaging myself over this? She said it's normal because it's the first time I let someone in and had a best friend, but I can't get my brain and heart to realize that. I have done the same thing over and over my whole life, trying to be the best to people and be forgiving and second, third ect. chances regardless of how hurt I felt. I feel for others and do what ever it takes to help someone or just brighten there day. I'm sure this has something to do will my childhood and maybe it's my way of not ever becoming like him or what he accused me of being.
As I said earlier WHY CANT, I let this go, I want to talk to her, I sometimes think I can fix and then I think it's no use.
I'm at the point now where I will NEVER be able to trust again, I'm not sure how to make friends because of how I see myself and all of this... i look back and see how badly I was affected from a person i hated but from someone I chose to be my family, I chose to trust in pretty traumatizing.
I am an adult this is kid games but it's truly killing me. Why can't I just walk away???
I'm so very pissed annoyed and agitated with myself right now!
WHY AM I SO NAIVE, WHY CANT I SEE THINGS FOR WHAT THEY ARE. WHY DO I STILL ALLOW PEOPLE TO MAKE ME FEEL SO LITTLE?
I am a grown adult I have 2 (just of age adults) and a 13 year old. I've been married 22 years ( married early at 20 ) but yet I feel like a little kid. Like I'm back in junior Highschool with all the drama..Im powerless in making myself do what needs to be done because of the Loyalty I have or maybe it's a fear of losing the one person who I believe saved and changed my life... or maybe all combined....
I'm watching myself get very out of sorts over something even though I see how toxic it is, but then my mind switches gears and I think of how I'm a different person, how just taking little steps have changed things, how having a person not only be encouraging, but for someone to finally trust and believe in me.. to confide in and share things with. To like me for knowing the real me flaws and all. To not have to have my past be shown, but to tell if I choose, to not be felt sorry for...
I hate this.
Another tid bit of information so you can hopefully understand a bit better and makes this even worse.
I went to school for child psychology to help kids who are abandoned or abused who are just a seen and not heard, who is used as a slave. I did this because in my teenage years the fight became so bad that the police we at our house to many time to count. Even though my dad was so intoxicated because he was an adult and I was a kid I was taken in for a 72 hrs mental "exam" I remember meeting the counselor and no way was I speaking to that person, that's the moment I decided I wanted to be able to help kids in my situation.
I am not very book smart but I did pass my courses, I don't get paid nor do people make appointments with me. I got involved in kid sports, school events, I can get down to a teen or child's level, they trust me, schools call me, I even get letters from our city courts to meet with a child or a police office will stop by and talk to me about a kid and ask me to meet them. In the past 10 years I have become "a safe house" for 8 kids, ( meaning there is a court paper that instead of the kids running away or staying in the house during rough times they can leave, and if they are at my house the parents cannot take them and the police will inforce this, two kids actually live with me...
I talk with these kids about everything including friendships and fakenesss and rumors and all sorts of things.... so why am I so tore up it's like I can see clearly until it includes myself.
I was my dads punching bag, the scape goat, the never will amount to anything....the one he made fun off picked on and humiliated.. "the red headed step child". He was judge, lawyer and jury, I was never allowed to explain or defend myself.
( a quick back history, he is not my biological dad but I didn't know until late teens, obviously I am the oldest and have 3 siblings that are biologically his and my mom's)
With being his personal punching bag, whipping tree and during his drunk in state, much much more.
Although my hatred was beyond for him I didn't succumb to the scared, child. I took the other road I was a fighter, you could hurt me with words but before you got close I'd be kicking your ass.
I never got close with anyone I had a group I hung out with but no one ever knew my secrets and things, I did Not trust. I may if said some things but never fully trusted ever...If you had a problem with someone I'd handle it for you or go down trying,I am very protective with people I like and will protect ones that get walked over...and continued on....if you accused me of something I would do everything and anything to prove my innocence, then be done with you, but if you called me a liar, (WHICH I AM NOT) I go beyond proving my innocence it's a bad trigger (I just learned that) I truly lose control, another thing I swore to god I'd never be, because I was accused of it even when I didn't even know what I was being accused or beat for...I thought I had things under control, I wasn't going to be a statistic and let my passed abuse affect me, I just pushed it down.
But then ..... the triggers came more and more and in my late 20's I was not that person.... I married at 20 ( yes for love, and still together) and we had some major issues,
(90%related to the abuser but that's a total different story)
In my early 30's I started having bad dizzy spells and then finally panic attacks.
About 5 years ago I just gave up and fizzled out I went into a depression state, I felt invisible to people, When I would try to talk, I could feel the anxiety build because, I didn't believe I fit with anyone. I was jobless, friendsless did nothing, why was I even here...I never left my room, didn't speak and the worst was I barely spoke with my kids let alone my husband. Things were awful, I had NO ONE... no friends, ( again I never got close to anyone) just teenagers I spoke to, my sibblings well they thought and believed things my dad instilled in them about me growing up....
I was reading a book and started to discuss it.( long story short, I hit it off with someone she got my email and we talked about everything and anything from 7am to midnight... all day everyday. We exchanged numbers and met and introduced our families, it was so unique... it took me 38 years to find a best friend, we continued our conversations all day every day. She was really, in my head the person who saved me.
She inspired me, gave me self confidence made be try things and put things in motion I never thought possible.....I had a chance and I wanted to be better I wanted things...she was my person....... .and then last week she just..... well ended our friendship... but said "we can still talk" (WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN) I asked her and she avoided it... I cried for days I thought what happened...
Well long story short this is a pattern she has. It has been shown that she gets bored and need to feel like a do gooder she finds people who are down and out and says the right things, but is also manipulating because she knows she is the only one you trust and uses it against you... I went to my therapist last week and today and realized I was also her scapegoat, we would vent to each other and help one another out but lately she made me feel worse after venting to her. I was her pleaser, the one she could control, instead of answering questions or avoiding them she would change it to I have insecurities and if I have to ask I don't really trust her.
I fought myself on what to believe but because of her I did a lot of changing, I was starting to like what I was becoming...
I still have no idea why she did this....
If I didn't like something or something made me mad I normally would of just told the person ( in a nice way) and be done with it weather they spoke to me again or not....
But with her..... I can't I couldn't I just tried to make everything seem good and deal with my hurt on my own, now when she had an issue she would lay into me regardless.....
I was a peace keeper, even if what she said made no sense I'd find a way to apologize or make it better,maybe I was afraid to loose someone that means the world to me ( other then my husband and children)
She just told me about 2 months ago if something is bothering me I should trust we can work it out. We are best friends and we will get through it. We have been tight for 5 years...I figured, she is right maybe I should just go to her.... So I did..
It wasn't good at first but we talked and she apologized and I forgave her because I believed her.
But 24 hrs later it was if I was in the twighlight zone! out of nowhere she was pissed and called me untrustworthy a liar, insecure.... she blamed me for an insult she gave to me....said she dosent think she should of apologized ....and she found out I was planning a surprise b-day and was beyond mad and asked me what gave me that right, but her words weren't her, she has never spoke to me like that, I asked her what I lied about and she avoided it, but instead would take something we did and twist it to now being mad. I asked her what is going on. She spoke of a situation the day she insulted me. She told me my story dosent add up with others.
I had told her she meant one person the girl she met not even 2 months ago and what happened and told her again how her "new" friend had asked me about something humiliating from my past that she could of only heard from my BFF. I can't even begin to tell you about the adrenaline and Shakes at that moment. I not only told her of Her friend messaging about it later I REMINDER HER I GAVE HER MY PHONE at that moment and said here you can see the whole conversation, but that didn't matter she avoided it and continued to bash me about insecurities and accusations....
She also got on me about not being able to understand what I say in a text or email, because it hardly ever makes sense, and if that wasn't a good enough dig, she then began to tell me, how I interrupt a conversation to prove a point, or when I speak, it sounds like I'm a teenager and not a 43 year old, and maybe I need to take some classes in learning to speak my age.
I froze, I didn't know what to say, I know I have communication problems I told her that.....and I kept thinking if this was anyone else in the world I would of knocked her out, but I can't with her.... WHY?
Come to find out one of her friends must of felt morally conflicted and send me an email that goes back for years... she showed me many texts, pics and conversations and said it's up to me to decide if I want to see them as coincidence or a pattern....
It's killing me, I have been back and forth on the person I thought was a real best friend and had helped me, but now even though everything points to it I can't even admit she was playing me,I went back to doing what I always do and try to make excuses in my head and convince myself she isn't like this
I did everything for her, we never had any major issues and became very close with her child and in reality she saved me, I am so much more then back then because of her. Why do I feel a need to find a way to make things right? My therapist ask if why I am self sabotaging myself over this? She said it's normal because it's the first time I let someone in and had a best friend, but I can't get my brain and heart to realize that. I have done the same thing over and over my whole life, trying to be the best to people and be forgiving and second, third ect. chances regardless of how hurt I felt. I feel for others and do what ever it takes to help someone or just brighten there day. I'm sure this has something to do will my childhood and maybe it's my way of not ever becoming like him or what he accused me of being.
As I said earlier WHY CANT, I let this go, I want to talk to her, I sometimes think I can fix and then I think it's no use.
I'm at the point now where I will NEVER be able to trust again, I'm not sure how to make friends because of how I see myself and all of this... i look back and see how badly I was affected from a person i hated but from someone I chose to be my family, I chose to trust in pretty traumatizing.
I am an adult this is kid games but it's truly killing me. Why can't I just walk away???
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