Assembling The 'team'

[desiderata310]

@joeylittle I've accused him of having a messiah complex before. :whistling:I was deep into my writing phase and I didn't edit that out. I think he got a little offended. I also don't think I was far off the mark.

I think I will have to asked my therapist to do that as well. Though I am not certain that there will be much to talk about. I told the psychatrist I would be in touch if there were issues with the meds. If things fall through with my therapist tomorrow I may be calling her for a referral to someone else..:nailbiting:

Anxiety is running high tonight. Hope the blood pressure meds work so that I sleep some ...

 

[scout86]

My T has mentioned a number of times that a lot of people who go in to "his line of work" have a desire to "rescue people". It's crossed my mind more than once that HE might be a bit like that himself so it might be good that he's aware of it. I can see where a little of that might be fine and being unaware of it might be a problem.

I hope you got some sleep and that today goes ok! (Whatever "ok" is!)

 

[desiderata310]

Sleep was odd last night. I still had the nightmares. That's to be expected.
What I didn't expect was that my chest would feel so ... odd. Seriously, it felt like my heart was beating deliberately slowly, if that makes any sense. It was faster than resting rate and felt like it was beating 'harder' but not in the same way. *shudder* I MADE myself stay awake longer because it freaked me out LOL!

I'm hoping that I can get used to this because I was a bit calmer and it was certainly easier to wake up and reorient to the world than it has been in a long time.

 

[joeylittle]

Seriously, it felt like my heart was beating deliberately slowly

If you started the med, that's probably it. Remember, it works on blood pressure (not saying you don't know that, just confirming that they can feel a little strange at first). Hope therapy goes well (? or goes at all) today.

 

[desiderata310]

I'm numb right now.
We did meet.
HE admitted that because of scheduling in the office he wanted to try to move the session but was afraid to do that given that we'd already had three cancellations.
I talked about my experience with the Psychiatrist. My therapist said he'd never heard of her but thought she sounded hopeful.
I talked about what I had said above: that I'd never laid my entire life out as a whole in one setting and given the full history in that manner.

I feel really far away right now so bare with me.
He said that what I went through wasn't normal. That my dad should have been in jail.
He said that it was that I wouldn't let go of the fact that it's my fault was that we haven't gotten anywhere. He said I knew now that I was trusting him as much as I possibly can but that isn't enough.

I don't know what to do.

He wants to expand the team. Wants me to go to outpatient therapy because he said he can't help me alone.

I know... I know I had a flashback.

I'm exhausted.
I'm really feeling lost and hopeless right now and I don't feel I can ask my therapist for help.
I'm such a failure.

 

[desiderata310]

Have an assessment set up for today at 2:00. Just got off the phone with the person who's going to be doing the assessment.
Truthfully, I'm terrified.

 

[joeylittle]

@desiderata310 - you're doing exactly what you need to be doing. You are walking forward and getting shit done.
If it helps - I remember my assessment first time I was totally freaked out too. It was a number of evaluation questionnaires - "how many times in the last two weeks have you had trouble getting out of bed? (always) (sometimes) (never)". That kind of stuff. And then, just telling them why you are there, letting them ask questions. There's nothing right or wrong to it; tell the truth the best you can. You did it with the psych, you're just gonna go do it again.

You aren't a failure. It's good that your therapist is admitting that he is failing you, and that you will benefit from diversified support. Anyway, I'll be thinking of you.

 

[Rumors]

@desiderata310
You are incredibly brave my dear! Hang in there and keep the faith. This could be a good thing and give you additional resources to tap rather than just this one guy who may or may not be on target. I can't imagine how scary it must feel, but know that I am with you in spirit.

 

[desiderata310]

Sitting in the waiting room currently. Not really sure even what to do since there's no sign in, no reception. Ugh

 

[desiderata310]

Didn't know it was possible to flunk an assessment.
Finally got found somebody who could help me. The guy I had spoken with on the phone took me to a room to do the assessment.

There was a DBT session going on at the same time and for some reason they decided they were going to do roars or yells or something right outside the door.

I got super triggered,Very jumpy and began crying. It was so bad we had to move rooms.

I don't think I ever really recovered from that because the next room had a window and there were people going by and stomping, slamming doors. Never mind the questions he was asking I was crying from sheer nerves and being triggered and my startle response was on hyperdrive.

At the end of it all he asked me if I would be willing to participate in the group. He asked me if I thought I needed help. Of course to both I said yes. And added that I would do my dead level best to participate but stressed me out really badly and 'oh by the way I'm not a toucher' which seem to be somewhat important to this kind of therapy.

He said given my exaggerated Startle response I probably wouldn't do very well in their group.

I started crying. I explained that he had not been in my therapy session this morning and that really this was the only option that my therapist had given me. The way my therapist presented it was either do this or I don't get better.

He didn't press the issue but said that he would put his head together with my therapist and try to come up with something else.

So yeah I flunked an assessment

 

[ButterflyBean]

@desiderata310
Groups aren't for everyone, especially for me at this point. What about getting a recommendation for another therapist, just to get some different perspective? Your therapist can talk to the prospective candidate so you don't have to divulge every little detail, and he or she will have some of the bigger picture. Most importantly, you did not fail the assessment. You did your best and gave honest answers. That's exactly what these assessments are for: to determine whether or not a group is right for you. This one wasn't. If your therapist thinks that an outpatient support group, particularly this one, is the last option or you cannot be helped, then you definitely need a new therapist!

Be gentle with yourself... know you are not alone and you did not fail! If anything, the system is failing you! Hugs if you want them!

 

[desiderata310]

@HollyBeans27
My therepist was pretty clear about how he viewed things in our session. He wanted me to do this outpatient program and said that if I didn't and didn't "work my ass off in it" I was never going to get better.
We are limited by what is available locally. Geographically we are very remote with any real facilities or programs being 4 hours from here.

I'm not sure what is going to happen now. I'm afraid he is simply going to give up on me. Actually, I feel like he has already done that.

Going inpatient isn't really an option either.

Maybe it's simply time to quit?
Maybe this is as good as it gets.