Jet, I think "beating ourselves up" is a very normal reaction for us.
I know I do it all the time...still. I've done it all my life. When I was a kid getting the crap beat out of me by my mother, I beat myself up because I wasn't being "good enough" for her - or else she wouldn't beat me to the point of falling between the wall and the bed and then reaching down, dragging me back up, only to repeat the process 5 or 6 more times. I beat myself up because I wasn't "strong enough" to defend myself against my brother when he decided I was going to be his. I beat myself up on my first marriage because, once again, I wasn't "good enough" for my at-the-time husband; he had to seek sex from at least 8 other women. I beat myself up in my job because I am not a "good enough" teacher, or else someone would tell me, wouldn't they?
When I bring this up to my therapist, they tell me to look at all the good things I have done in my life. Honestly truth is, I can't remember the good things I did for half my life (I have very little memories of growing up, both bad and good) and even though there are things I've done that have been good that I do remember, the "you're no good" voice is as strong as ever in my head.
Now, when people come to me and tell me that I did good, I have a hard time accepting it or believing it. I've been with my current husband 7 years now and it's only been within the last 6 months or so that I honestly believe him when he tells me he loves me, that he won't do anything to hurt me, that he won't leave me.
Do I feel guilty? Hell yes....every second of every minute of every hour of every day...365/24/7.
It is something I know I have to work on....and it's coming slowly but surely.
I know I do it all the time...still. I've done it all my life. When I was a kid getting the crap beat out of me by my mother, I beat myself up because I wasn't being "good enough" for her - or else she wouldn't beat me to the point of falling between the wall and the bed and then reaching down, dragging me back up, only to repeat the process 5 or 6 more times. I beat myself up because I wasn't "strong enough" to defend myself against my brother when he decided I was going to be his. I beat myself up on my first marriage because, once again, I wasn't "good enough" for my at-the-time husband; he had to seek sex from at least 8 other women. I beat myself up in my job because I am not a "good enough" teacher, or else someone would tell me, wouldn't they?
When I bring this up to my therapist, they tell me to look at all the good things I have done in my life. Honestly truth is, I can't remember the good things I did for half my life (I have very little memories of growing up, both bad and good) and even though there are things I've done that have been good that I do remember, the "you're no good" voice is as strong as ever in my head.
Now, when people come to me and tell me that I did good, I have a hard time accepting it or believing it. I've been with my current husband 7 years now and it's only been within the last 6 months or so that I honestly believe him when he tells me he loves me, that he won't do anything to hurt me, that he won't leave me.
Do I feel guilty? Hell yes....every second of every minute of every hour of every day...365/24/7.
It is something I know I have to work on....and it's coming slowly but surely.