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Association of Guilt with PTSD - discussion

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Jet, I think "beating ourselves up" is a very normal reaction for us.

I know I do it all the time...still. I've done it all my life. When I was a kid getting the crap beat out of me by my mother, I beat myself up because I wasn't being "good enough" for her - or else she wouldn't beat me to the point of falling between the wall and the bed and then reaching down, dragging me back up, only to repeat the process 5 or 6 more times. I beat myself up because I wasn't "strong enough" to defend myself against my brother when he decided I was going to be his. I beat myself up on my first marriage because, once again, I wasn't "good enough" for my at-the-time husband; he had to seek sex from at least 8 other women. I beat myself up in my job because I am not a "good enough" teacher, or else someone would tell me, wouldn't they?

When I bring this up to my therapist, they tell me to look at all the good things I have done in my life. Honestly truth is, I can't remember the good things I did for half my life (I have very little memories of growing up, both bad and good) and even though there are things I've done that have been good that I do remember, the "you're no good" voice is as strong as ever in my head.

Now, when people come to me and tell me that I did good, I have a hard time accepting it or believing it. I've been with my current husband 7 years now and it's only been within the last 6 months or so that I honestly believe him when he tells me he loves me, that he won't do anything to hurt me, that he won't leave me.

Do I feel guilty? Hell yes....every second of every minute of every hour of every day...365/24/7.

It is something I know I have to work on....and it's coming slowly but surely.
 
Oh my God Kim, I am so sorry. I'm crying reading your post. Still crying, but I am so dam happy you shared this. I am so sorry Kim that any of this happened to you. It makes me so dam angry that the ones, us, that carry all this terribly painful guilt are the ones that have been abused. And, in some cases, as in mine, the Abusers never seem to end up crippled with guilt, if they carry any at all. I hope you are doing many good things for yourself, all that good stuff women like so much, a little at a time, a lot a time, whatever anything good for you that contradicts that lying, voice in your head.
 
i've picked up a common theme, - we considered ourselves to be the 'strong one'. Me included. Could this mindset have influenced us getting ptsd in the first place? i mean i thought i was strong minded - i think i still am, and ?because of that, i didn't do the ususal cry over a situation or talk to others about it, i tried to cope on my own and ignore the problem, denied i had been affected because that would show weakness and that wasn't me. If i had been so-called weaker, i would have discussed it with everyone and therefore started to process what happened so could have ? prevented ptsd? I feel guilty about what happened - i feel i should have stopped it earlier etc and for being weak enough to think i was strong enough to handle it without getting ptsd. But i also accept and agree that there are situations where what happened is so traumatic that it leaves it mark behind on those that experienced it, and that by having ptsd isn't a weakness or anything to feel guilty about because it wasn't our fault, we didn't ask for it, it happened to us. And if it is the stongness in us that helped get ptsd then we can use that same inner strength and stubborness and use that courage to help us now deal with the trauma and symptoms and break free from them, learning new coping menthods.
 
I wish that was it darkskies, but unfortunately I personally have friends with PTSD who have never been that way, and today they can still cry as required, etc etc, males and females, always just been happy to follow in life, not lead, still PTSD. I thought that myself for a while, until I got hit with many that didn't fit the mould.
 
I can totally relate to this, especially what you said - KimG
Do I feel guilty? Hell yes....every second of every minute of every hour of every day...365/24/7.
I have done most everything in my life out of guilt and I find it very hard to say No. And beat myself up? Everyday. My oldest daughter is constantly telling me to stop being hard on myself, but it's soooo hard.
Like a lot of you have said... I felt I was strong and the fact the PTSD has rendered me so powerless, makes me feel like I have failed everyone (especially myself) and I feel so guilty about it.
 
I still relate and have a hard time beating myself up over guilt.
My first episode with PTSD I had been on the meds a few months and I was sitting together alone with a tea while the kids were at school. The flashbacks had been non'stop for weeks. Then for some reason unknown to me till this day I was like all the trama's all of them came together all at once. It was like my life flashing before my eyes or some weird acid trip.
I could instantly pinpoint why I had been so week all my life, why I had been feeling guilty, worthless, had never trusted or made friends. It came together all at once and made perfect sense. For the first time ever I got mad, really really mad, Not only did I remember everthing, I FELT the memories as if they were happening all over again only this time it wasn't like watching it on TV. It was me really and truly me. I was so angry for having my life and youth taken like that. For weeks then I grieved for the little girl that was me and accepted her completely.
I've had two relapses PTSD since but never as strong as the first one. Although this one I'm going through now is pretty close. Meds have finally soaked in and thinking more clearly again. I hope we all learn to overcome those feelings that seem so ingrained as a part of who we are
Thanks Joannag
 
darkskies said:
...stand corrected...i'm learning more each post i read. ta

Yep... aren't we all. I think I learn atleast two to three new aspects of PTSD each day, without fail, if not more.
 
Kim, you teach kids in my girls age group. If you have not smacked one up side the head... You know what I mean, you are doing beyond great! And my sister did have one do it to her! I would have to be in a jacket loaded in a cart by men in white coats after just one day of what you do. Don't think for a second you aren't great!
 
Awww....thanks Veiled!
For me, teaching these kids is therapy. It's hard to explain, but I really do enjoy it. I get to interact with kids who appreciate humor, are starting to get sarcasm, can work independently (mind you, I said "can"...they don't always "do"), and generally are good kids. Yes, the attitudes are there, but hey...I dare them to have a bigger attitude than the one I have!

Plus, this is one job where I can act silly and crazy, goofy and funny, and still get paid. I relate so much to them and their feelings and try really hard to teach them to be good people, not just good students in math.

And, I help students...mainly the girls. I've had girls come to me in the past to tell me how their father, brother, mother's boyfriend, their own boyfriend is molesting them (it makes my blood boil and, although I am legally responsible for reporting it (which I do), I have learned to let others in the building handle it because I get too emotionally involved).

This year I have a student who is a handful...with almost every other teacher except me. And get this...she has PTSD. I haven't told her my story (don't know that I will), but she does know that I know what she feels like and what she's going through. When I found out that she has it, I began asking her questions like, "Do you ever feel yourself looking over your shoulder constantly?" and "Do you have trouble sleeping at night?". Of course, her answers were yes...and the more I talked with her about her symptoms, the bigger her eyes got when she realized she wasn't the only one experiencing these same things!!

So...for me, teaching these kids is a blessing...one that keeps me getting out of bed each day because I truly enjoy my job. Any other job and I'd get fired because I would call out more than I would be in.
 
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