Relationship At A Loss... To Stay Or Leave...

[Jells]

So... Here's the backround. I have been marrried for a little over 2 years now. He started showing symptoms of PTSD a few months after our wedding. I didn't know how to deal. I just stayed strong for him and started taking over everything, finances, cleaning, took care of all the responsibilities of the house and dogs. It was alot considering at the time I was working full time and going to school full time. I just threw myself into my schoolwork and tried not to think about what I was going through at home.

He ended up being hospitalized for 4 months at a hospital 3 hours from our house. I drove down every weekend. I did everything I could to keep going. I just took care of everything.

He came home and I found out he had not only developed a benzo addiction from being overmedicated at the hospital, but he also had been speaking to his ex wife and even asked her for nude pictures of herself while he was hospitalized (which she gladly agreed to send him). I was crushed. I packed up my car and was ready to leave. I remember getting about 2 hours outside the city and realizing I had no where to go. I turned around. He begged me to stay. Crying he promised to spend every single day making all of it up to me. His symptoms started to improve it seemed and he started buying me anything I wanted, but he put me in an incredible amount of debt. He said he couldn't control his spending. Things continued to go downhill from there. He stopped bathing, never cleaned, wouldn't let the dogs out and just let them pee and poop everywhere in the house. I would come home am cry. Then he got kicked out of the air force. He continued to see his doctors but things weren't improving. I realized that I needed to do something. I didn't feel any romantic feelings towards him any longer. I just got angry thinking about everything I had been through.

I enlisted in the air force may of 2010. I left for 3 months. My best friend called him everyday to see if he was ok. When it came time he moved to my text school and she flew out to help him. Later she told me of the condition he was living in. Maggots in the house. Animal feces everywhere. I was so angry. Now I look at him and have no desire to kiss him or touch him. I get more upset when he touches me. I care about him, but I don't know that I can handle being married to him anymore. I don't know what to do. He does alot for me, but I feel smothered. He hates my friends. Hates when I want to do anything other than spend time with him. He says I am abusive and I treat him poorly. I feel like he is being unreasonable. My training is intensey school is difficult. I just don't know how to do it anymore. And I care about him so I'm scared to leave him. Partly for fear he will hurt himself. I just dont know what to do.

I enlisted in the air force last year. Stran

 

[hopelives]

I personally think that you need some time totally apart no contact for a bit and see how you feel. That sounds really sad and hard.

Concentrate on your studies and ensure yoiur husband is having full therapy. He sounds like he needs a lot of help. The ball is in his court than.

BIG BIG HUGS.

 

[amethist]

Hi jell

This is really tough situation to be in for both of you.

He does need some tough intense therapy, something he has to admit to and then stick to himself. You cannot do this for him.

Maybe it is time for some straight talking from you, some tough boundaries set also.

The boundaries being he cleans himself up and keeps his living area reasonably clean, untidy is OK dirty is unacceptable.

He then goes back to the VA and gets some serious help, maybe you could enlist the help from one of his friends to have a serious chat with him, laying it on the line from a different person, could help him see through the fog.

You also give him a very short time limit for this. No changes, no help found and worked on, then you don't go back. Maybe a month maximum, but you have to stick to what ever decision you make. Some will say this is too harsh, but take the PTSD out of it, and look at him then, would you stay with someone who wont keep hims self even basically clean and tidy and lives in the filth of his animals.

Sounds harsh I know, but sometimes you have to draw the line and say enough is enough. You can meet him half way with this, but he has to step up and get moving.

We all care for our sufferers, we also all fear for their safety at times, but if they will not take responsibility for there own lives, even in a small way, then we cannot mother and nurse them for ever.

You are his wife first and foremost, his carer second. He is your husband first, sufferer second.

While all this is going on, please take good care of you and keep up with your studies. If you have this behind you and he does take action,you ill be able to help and support him while he recovers. Which ever way it goes, you will have your own future already being built.

Take care.

Amethist

 

[Jells]

I have some updates.

Once he got out here we got our house and I really put it all out there on the line. I told him he needed to start taking care of himself and the house. He did for a short while but really quickly he stopped again. He's showering now.

He helps me clean but won't ever do anything if I'm not over him making sure it gets done. I told him to clean the living room and everything. Including trash ended up in the closet. I had to take my weekend and clean it out. Every time it gets to the point I think he's gonna stop I let him know he has to keep it up. It's like dealing with a toddler.

Lately he's been trying really hard (about the past week) he's stayed on top of dishes. Kept the house relatively clean... But he smells still. I don't know if it's a side effect of his medication but right after he showers he will still have this sour smell. His breath is terrible. Even after he brushes his teeth. This (and I've told him about it) is a really big problem as far as intimacy goes. I don't want to be close to him, I don't want him to touch me. It's bad.

It adds to the stress of me having to learn another language. I also don't want to lose my dogs if we separate.

We had been apart for 3 months. I was supposed to be completely miserable, but after everything I had gone through at home, basic training was a cinch. It was like a vacation. I came out of there with this freedom I hadn't had in a long time.

So now, he's out here. He won't let me spend time with friends. It's just crazy. Then he starts fights at 10 or 11 at night knowing full well that I have to get up at 400 the next morning.

There is a six month program he can go to but he says he doesn't want to leave me. I feel like I'm drowning.

He told me last night he has started to hear voices. He says he can't make them out but they are talking to him. I don't know how to take that.

I feel bad also because he waits on me hand and foot, but everything he does is always about me he never does anything for himself. I just am not sure if I should just tell him to go to the 6 month program or to just keep suffering so that he is OK.

Another thing, I told him all of how I was feeling and he asked me to just ignore that I'm unhappy and pretend that everything is fine. He said if I pretend long enough it will just become OK. I don't know that it will though.

He's manipulative, I found out from his mom he's always been that way. He gets in my head and makes me feel like an awful person.

I know this is a lot but we both have no friends where I am based, my family doesn't understand they think I'm just being mean. I just have no one to reach out to.

We tried marriage counselling and he told the therapist that he thinks I need to be medicated. He thinks if I go on anti depressants it will fix our marriage. I personally do not think that is the answer.

I just don't know where to go from here.

 

[hopelives]

Is there anyway that you can hire a cleaner, even for a few hours a week. Just to take the pressure off you. If I left my house to be cleaned by my sufferer he just wouldn't be able to get it done.

 

[Jells]

I just don't have the financial capability to hire a cleaner. I took a pretty large pay cut joining the military and he is still waiting for the VA to pay him... He's only 90% disabled as it stands, I wish I could find another option but I just don't have the means... It's a really hard situation.

 

[amethist]

Hi Jells

Not sure how to start here so please understand this is honest advice, which is really what you need right now.

He needs to admit HE has a problem not you, at this time he is in complete denial. Passing the blame for everything onto you, so he does not have to face up to anything. He has you trapped in his manipulative ways, because he knows you will not do anything but what he want you to do.

If he is hearing voices he has to go on that program, before this goes any further. He could quite easily spiral down wards further than he is now, this will only get worse. He will not be OK unless he does go.

There is no way you can pretend everything is OK, you know it is not, and wont be. He will do anything to keep you with him, to keep you from telling anyone how ill he is, even telling other it is you that has a problem not him. As he did with the councillor

Have you thought of talking to some one on base about this, one of the doctors their may be able to give you some information or even help for him.

If you don't do something it will only get worse. You will have to take the steps he wont. No waiting to see if it changes, you already know in your own mind it probably wont unless he admits he needs and gets help.

Sorry if this is harsh again, but pretending as he is that it is all OK will help no one.

Take the right steps now for both your sakes.

Amethist

 

[NIKI]

Hi Jells, Your husband has asked you to pretent that everything is OK. But hon, If you pretend something then it is not the truth. You said should you stay and suffer so he will be OK. Well you may still suffer but he is not OK. He needs lots of help sweetheart! You need to think of yourself too or you are going to lose it. I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time. NIKI

 

[hopelives]

I agree with Amethist. Also it concerns me that he is trying to control everything that you are doing. That could very quickly esculate and if he feels desparate you could be in trouble. BIG BIG BIG HUGS. I would get him into a program and than think about what you want. Maybe it is time for a fresh start for you. I dont know but I wanted to say I wouldn't look down on you for walking away.

 

[Nicolette]

As I'm on a phone I apologize this is brief & blunt.

I agree with all Amethist has said based on your side of the story, and in my honest opinion it's time for an ultimatium - get immediate help and continue it or leave..... before he destroys both of you. You sound very strong & resourceful &, from what you have written, happier without him.

If you keep going the way you describe you may have more issues than just money - your health & happiness are priceless.

Wishing you well with whatever you choose - I would have been gone with the ex wife photos as while uncontrolled PTSD can cause erratic, abnormal, abusive, undesirable & wild behavior it is still not an excuse, especially when married IMHO.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I'll be blunt. This is a situation for the professionals to assess. His symptoms could be serious medical illness on top of his PTSD.

NO person is under an obligation to be silent when our own or someone else's health, welfare, or life is at stake.

I never want my children, husband, friends to allow me to harm them and cause them anguish. I never put them in that position. I hope if I ever become so ill that I do, they will call to get me professional help or at least, save themselves so I don't take them down with me.

I hope you give yourself permission to get your self-loving, compassionate 'we're dealing with this NOW' cape on.

Either way, Al-anon can help you too. Consider looking for a meeting to get some real face-to-face experience, strength, and hope. Many have been where you are. You are not alone.