Relationship At A Loss

[MoeX]

Hello everyone,
Have'nt been here in awhile. Im struggling latley though. It seems like our relationship has gone down hill. We have NO intamacy. And I dont just meen sex. I mean rarely do I get a hug, or even a touch. Evertime we have an opportunity for "alone" time he always comes up with some kind of excuse. When I try to ask questions I get no answer.

I honestly dont know how much more I can take. I am having none of my needs met at this time. I can handle no physical intamacy. We've been throught that. But currently I am getting zero from him. I try to talk to him and get nothing, I dont talk to him and get nothing.

I know he looks at and maybe flirts with other women but can't give me the time of day. That plain hurts and everyday makes me feel more rejeted. Today he even told me it upsets him when I bring stuff up becauce our "relationship" is not official. I got angry and said if we did not have an official relationship then maybe I should stop doing all the relationship things for him. I also told him he was either all in with me or he's not.

Im not sure, maybe Im wrong in acting this way. I would be okay if he could just talk to me. Sorry I was rambling. Im just at a loss right now and didnt know where to turn.

 

[mamachick]

I take it that he is the sufferer and you the supporter? I am sorry you are going through this. I am the sufferer and am not ready to be in a relationship for many reasons, but seems that I would cause another to suffer my pain.

I don't think you are wrong. There must be benefits in a relationship for both parties in order for it to survive. Not getting needs met can be very damaging over time, and at what point does one have enough and get out.

I was married for 17 years with 2 children, our life focused around the kids. I guess we designed it that way. I did not know I had ptsd and was very functional. He was very emotionally unavailable, and it did not get better. He professed to be all in, but it did not feel that way. He also showed not affection. He had issues with intimacy as well. When I left the relationship, I was starving for affection, attention, and adult companionships(dating). This made me very vulnerable. Which led to ptsd, or it being triggered.

I would get out of bed while he snored and go downstairs and cry, and my collie would like my tears. I always thought my small children did not know, but they knew something was wrong for a long time.

I can see where this would all be very painful for you. I know that we are all different, but even with ptsd I was in a relationship that was very affectionate and nurturing and that was a happy time. Other issues prevented that from working. I agree, he needs to be all the way in or all out.

Will he attend couples counseling with you to work through these things? It is the best way to bring the issues to the surface and help you to decide what is best for you. You have to look out for your happiness. Feeling rejection is not healthy and can be very damaging over time.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Well, he's told you that you're not official, so perhaps you should stop doing all those relationship things. I suppose that does mean that you two are just in the dating stage, and as such, you are free to do whatever you please. I suggest that you do exactly that. Focus on yourself. Hang out with your friends, get involved in activities you like to do. Don't always pick up the phone when he calls or text him back right away.

If he wants you, he needs to show that he wants you. Regardless of PTSD, this is the phase where the guy is supposed to be chasing the girl, putting his best foot forward. We all know that this tends to fade, so if he can't give you what you need at this stage of the game, you might want to reconsider if he's a keeper.

 

[nursenurse]

Another example of bad behaviour. Red flag. How dare he say that to you??? Danger, Will Robinson!!! (the younger generation might not get this :) ) I'd be out that back hatch and into outer space.

If one of your girlfriends told you this same story about herself, what would you think, even if you didn't want to tell her? And if you said "Oh, maybe it was an off day," give your head a really good shake. Most of us think the right thoughts and then still rush in like fools. Take a break and think of what is best for Moe.

 

[MoeX]

Thanks for your comments. We have actually been involved with eachother going on 4 years. We were in a commited relationship for about 2 years when things got really bad and he said he wasnt sure what he want and he moved out. He has been staying with his sister since March but still acts liked its a relationship.

Another example of bad behaviour. Red flag. How dare he say that to you??

I do agree that this is bad behavior and I did inform him that if we are not official then I needed to stop acting like we are and doing relationship things for him.

Its very hard on me right now and I have not really talked to him for a couple days now but I am trying to stay strong. I keep reminding myself that PTSD is not making him act the way he is. It is not a excuse for him to essentially have his cake and eat it too. Its not fair to me to build him up at the expense of tearing myself down.

 

[mamachick]

No it is not ok at the expense of yourself. I also have been in a relationship that was not good for me and know how hard it was to let go. I think it was because of some level he was my best friend and I had cut myself off from most of the world. That made me somewhat dependent on him. I have not been dependent on others generally, so this was out of normal for me. I almost felt like I would cease to exist without him, but I also realized I might cease to exist with him. It has been very painful. It does get better though.