Yes, I experience the same dissociative episodes now. It happens when I'm triggered perhaps by a smell, a situation, a memory. I don't try to fight against it when it happens. Actually, one trick I learned: when it happens, just let it happen, and when I come out of it, try to remember what set it off. Name it, describe it, each time it happens. When I recognize it coming on, I know it and am familiar with it. Therefore, I am less scared. And, I can sometimes stop it from happening.
I believe that we're faced with threat we either fight or fly. You fought with your mind by disassociation. And, I think that something that you should be proud of! You were able to protect NotMe!
I totally understand the compartmentalization of your experiences and emotions. I do that, too. It's easier to handle trauma that way. But here's another testament to our brilliant minds at work. We do it to survive. Can you imagine if all of that came bearing down on us at once? I don't think that anyone in their right minds would be able to process that information. Imagine if someone you know had that stress all at once? Coping would be extremely difficult under all that pressure.
I live with my compartmentalization. And, I take each piece step by step. It's been really uncomfortable and frightening me to open each Pandora's box, though. It really is. To stare blankly in front of a memory. It's almost like being there again. But, I go through it. I know that I survived the abuse - so somehow, you did too. Tap into that strength. You have had it all along!
