I'm an atheist, but I was raised with weird mixtures of Christianity and agnostic views. I never had bad experiences with religion, but I'm going through a lot of hard things without it, and I often wish I could believe in a higher power. I just cant. There's too many variables and unanswered questions and things that don't make sense, as well as the fact that I've come to see organized religion as something far too manipulative and toxic to be something I want to be involved in. I wish i could believe because I see other people being so grateful to have "god" help them through and people who know that something is on their side and that they're not alone. However, I've done a lot of healing on my own and I'd rather have a brutal truth of reality than some bs that my abuser will be punished in hell or that God has a plan and I was abused because he "only gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors". I get through PTSD because I am strong, resilient and I have healthy coping mechs, not because God gives me strength. My abuser hurt me because he's a shitty person, not because god planned it. Religion is an aspect that, as much as I sometimes wish I had, I'm glad it's not a part of my life or my healing.