General Avoidance - How Long Do Your Episodes Last?

[BewitchedBewildered]

Feels exactly like a death. A month or two hurts, but can be handled. Longer than that is pure pain. In my experience, you can only hang on so long. For me it was about 8 months before knowledge finally settled in that he was gone for good. Feels so much like a death. There is no other emotional equivalent to how it feels. There is no goodbye, no explanation, just emptiness. If it got bad and then he was gone, I'd understand better. I've read the books, but understanding the science or patterns doesnt help me wrap my psyche or emotions around it. My mind fights itself, until it resigns. the expectations, the hope suffocated and mourning set it.

 

[Shadowofdoubt]

So it looks like avoidance episodes can last briefly to indefinitely. Not an answer we want to hear as supporters. It would be much easier if we knew there was a time limit, then we could prepare ourselves mentally and have some hope. Not knowing the when/if the "return" will be is the worst feeling, as though someone has been kidnapped from you, which is even worse than a death because of that lack of real closure that there is in a death. How long a person remains hopeful of a return I guess depends on the individual. It is not a good space to be in, and my heart goes out to all of you.

 

[Gingerly]

@Nera, The not knowing is very difficult. My ex BF Sufferer gave me a glimpse of hope a couple of weeks ago when he called me and told me how much he misses me and talks about me to his friends as if we were still a couple. As far as getting back together, he isn't quite there yet. He said things would have to happen "naturally". It has been almost 7 months since we broke up. I live in hope. The waiting is definitely not a good space to be in.

 

[Shadowofdoubt]

It must have felt nice to get that input from him, Gingerly. You're a strong lady as 7 months is a long time of waiting.

I feel like a crazy, obsessive loser. I'm so angry right now because I feel I've been so unfairly treated. I'm tired of pitying him and trying to understand him when he shows me no respect. I'm angry that I've allowed myself to get so emotionally attached and that I'm struggling at letting go and I'm mad that he doesn't care. So, where is anger in the process of grief? When the heck will I reach acceptance of the loss? I'm tired of hurting.

 

[Gingerly]

@Nera, I know exactly how you feel. I have been in the same frame of mind and body. In fact, the only reason I [somewhat] stopped feeling like that was because I developed some medical problems (due to stress of course) which made me focus on myself. I hope you don't do that to yourself. Instead, do something that will make you feel good. I am sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. There are so many people on this forum who have helped me. Keep coming back.

 

[Shadowofdoubt]

I appreciate that Gingerly. I'm a basket case mostly because I can't stand the rejection and what it triggers in me. I see my doctor next week and hope things will pan out for medical assistance so I can get back on antidepressant meds and do some counseling. It's nice to get your response and to feel less alone. In my real life I don't feel "safe" (I'm embarrassed) sharing with others what I've been dealing with and so I've isolated myself..the support here has been very helpful. Thank you!

 

[Gingerly]

@Nera, I obviously don't know your whole story, but there's nothing to be embarrassed about on this website. You're doing the right thing by making an appointment with your doctor. That's a step in the right direction. :cp:

 

[BehindBlueEyes]

My sufferer usually never completely cuts off communication, he just bails emotionally for a few days at a time. He is distant and cold and not really interested in much of anything. Even if he is not physically gone the emotionally numb hurts just as bad. I believe through any of the symptoms that is the most painful to supporters when they isolate themselves and shut down without any explanation why.[DOUBLEPOST=1400515001,1400514861][/DOUBLEPOST]Nera, sometimes I've found it's better to not talk to other people because no one really understands it like us fellow supporters do. Don't worry I feel like a basket case most days too! :) send me a message if you need to vent or anything and I'll try to help :)

 

[silkleaves]

I hope you don't mind me responding... If I'm feeling great, then I try to take advantage and call at least one or two of my friends.. but for the most part, I max out at making a phone call every other day. The most Ill get out to see anyone is once a week, and I try if possible to see as many people as I can at a time because it may be another week or two before I can do that again. This has been pretty standard for me, even before my meltdown when I sought help, so over the years, my closest friends just know that they may not hear from me for a week or two. Made it very hard to make new friends though.

Now, when things started to get incredibly tough for me, it started moving out to a month, two months, and when the worried calls and texts would start coming in, I would feel so guilty and like such a disappointment for not being able to do this one little thing, that I would end up avoiding calling back to put off hearing how upset / worried / angry everyone was with me for not staying in touch. And I would promise to give a warning if I'm going to fall off, but realized that is hard to plan for because even I don't get warning.

One friend of mine was so upset, that she cried on the phone for over an hour telling me how I don't understand how much she needs me to be there, and that she wants to be there for me. I know it wasn't her intention, but I came away from it feeling like a complete failure as a friend, as a person, and in my head, at that very moment..well for a long while after...I felt like everyone would be better off without me in their life, I was a burden hurting everyone around me all because I couldn't deal. And it ended up being a part of the reason I completely shut myself away from everyone for close to 8 months. About 5 months in, everyone was calling and emailing my daughter. She told me at first, and then stopped because she could tell it was making me feel even worse.

I just wanted to pack up and leave, start fresh in a new place where no one knows me and no one I know can find me, then just hole up and never be any ones problem again. And probably would have if I had the money to move. But thankfully I didn't...it was around this time that I realized I had a serious problem I couldn't solve on my own and ended up started therapy. A lot of people did give up on me and decide it just wasn't worth it, but I'm grateful for the ones who welcomed me back. And I found out that even though my daughter wasn't replying to everyone personally, she would every few weeks put a post on FB saying we were okay, and I would get back to everyone eventually.

I'm sorry this is so long... I guess I just wanted to say, at least from this side of the fence and my personal experience, I hated myself, for what I was doing and how it was affecting the people I cared about. And that whole thing had me going to some really dark places at times to which I can only say, thank goodness I have my daughter, because when I had my moments where I rationalized everyone was better off without me, I was rational enough to know my daughter absolutely would not be.

And now, that I am past that point, at least at the moment and for awhile now, I'm thinking clearly enough to see how twisted it is that people caring about me and wanting to reach out to me, had me feeling like they were better off without me. I cant even explain that train of thought because it just doesn't make any sense. But for almost 8 months, that was my reality and something I struggled with every single day. Its not personal at all, it had nothing to do with not wanting to see or talk to anyone, I just couldn't...and I am pretty sure of it that if anyone I knew, had any clue what was going through my mind all that time they would have sent the police to do a safety check. But no one knows where I live so....

 

[Gingerly]

I hated myself, for what I was doing

Its not personal at all,

These are some of the same things my ex BF Sufferer said to me when he broke up with me. Of course I took it personally; because he left me, but I have since come to somewhat understand it.

I'm sure your daughter is glad you didn't move away. You are very lucky to have a close bond with her. I know I treasure the relationship I have with mine.