Ecdysis
MyPTSD Pro
So, during my childhood trauma, there came a point when part of my brain decided that interacting with what was going on around me (abuse, neglect, trauma, mental illness) was simply pointless - that my personal efficacy in terms of being able to affect any outcomes so that they would be "good" was literally zero. That part of my brain got totally into dissociation and avoidance and basically adapted to living inside my own little bubble.
(Another part of my brain did compulsively keep trying to "change" things - kept getting entangled in the fight/ flight drama of trauma survival, but that's another story).
Now, at mid-life, in a major personal crisis, for the first time, I'm seeing how full-on that instinctual avoidance of "real life" has been. Basically what I do is that I'll leave my little bubble and force myself to do some chore or errand and then I'll race back to my bubble and mentally shut down again. That's been my life, ever since childhood. Just breaking free of dissociation briefly, to do some arbitrary task (the dishes, taking out the rubbish, buying groceries) and then diving straight back into dissociation and avoidance again, as fast as I possibly can.
It's like living on a hostile planet like Mars, in some kind of little pod and only leaving the pod for specified tasks that are necessary for survival.
I'm not really sure what to do about it.
Theoretically, I'm now living in a situation, as an adult, that's not comparable to childhood trauma. Theoretically, I'm able to make my own choices and take influence on situations so that they turn out favourably.
I say theoretically, because... well, as a child, I assumed that as an adult, I'd have a lot of free-will and power to make choices, but I think anyone that's been a adult for more than 5 minutes knows that "adulting" is not much fun and that we're entangled in so many responsibilities, duties, expectations and other mind-numbing limitations that as an adult you can end up feeling every bit as powerless and trapped as a child can.
So I'm not sure whether my avoidance is just something that I'm instinctively carrying on as a PTSD symptom and it's now out of place and I may as well let go of it... Or whether it's actually still appropriate because I'm still dealing with stressors that I feel little ability to change for the better, but they're just adult stressors as opposed to childhood stressors, now.
My best guess is that my avoidance has become quite extreme and that it's excessive. While there are probably stressors in my life that I *am* unable to change, my avoidance has gone rampant and is applying itself to things (dishes, rubbish, groceries) that I *can* impact and that do positively affect my quality of life, if I interact with them and get them done.
I guess maybe now a problem is that my depression has gotten so bad that I can no longer *feel* those things making a difference. I feel every bit as depressed whether the dishes/ rubbish/ groceries are done or undone - it literally makes zero difference at all to how I feel, so finding motivation to cut through the avoidance is such a difficult task these days.
(Another part of my brain did compulsively keep trying to "change" things - kept getting entangled in the fight/ flight drama of trauma survival, but that's another story).
Now, at mid-life, in a major personal crisis, for the first time, I'm seeing how full-on that instinctual avoidance of "real life" has been. Basically what I do is that I'll leave my little bubble and force myself to do some chore or errand and then I'll race back to my bubble and mentally shut down again. That's been my life, ever since childhood. Just breaking free of dissociation briefly, to do some arbitrary task (the dishes, taking out the rubbish, buying groceries) and then diving straight back into dissociation and avoidance again, as fast as I possibly can.
It's like living on a hostile planet like Mars, in some kind of little pod and only leaving the pod for specified tasks that are necessary for survival.
I'm not really sure what to do about it.
Theoretically, I'm now living in a situation, as an adult, that's not comparable to childhood trauma. Theoretically, I'm able to make my own choices and take influence on situations so that they turn out favourably.
I say theoretically, because... well, as a child, I assumed that as an adult, I'd have a lot of free-will and power to make choices, but I think anyone that's been a adult for more than 5 minutes knows that "adulting" is not much fun and that we're entangled in so many responsibilities, duties, expectations and other mind-numbing limitations that as an adult you can end up feeling every bit as powerless and trapped as a child can.
So I'm not sure whether my avoidance is just something that I'm instinctively carrying on as a PTSD symptom and it's now out of place and I may as well let go of it... Or whether it's actually still appropriate because I'm still dealing with stressors that I feel little ability to change for the better, but they're just adult stressors as opposed to childhood stressors, now.
My best guess is that my avoidance has become quite extreme and that it's excessive. While there are probably stressors in my life that I *am* unable to change, my avoidance has gone rampant and is applying itself to things (dishes, rubbish, groceries) that I *can* impact and that do positively affect my quality of life, if I interact with them and get them done.
I guess maybe now a problem is that my depression has gotten so bad that I can no longer *feel* those things making a difference. I feel every bit as depressed whether the dishes/ rubbish/ groceries are done or undone - it literally makes zero difference at all to how I feel, so finding motivation to cut through the avoidance is such a difficult task these days.
