I think I'm going to get sued and evicted - Violent avoidance stopping me from actually responding to the situation.

[SeekingAfrica]

I'm not going to say it's not my fault, my health has been bad and I avoided facing it for a long time.

The procedure here seems to be if you want to get money back from someone you make a police report and only then it can go to collections or suing or whatever. I've never been in trouble with law so I'm terrified so much now my landlord has to stop by and after everything with her yelling and threatening before when we have had easier disagreements, this makes me want to throw up or harm before anything official.

Please tell me I can be in trouble with the law and still pull through if it gets to that. I have never head any trouble with law ever and I feel like it will kill me.
I just need to handle it without insane anxiety and throwing up all the time because it's stopping me from actually responding to the situation. I have 15 more days here max and I may have to leave and leave the keys here and go to my parents before the 15 days are over and that too feels low and I feel disgusting but I have to survive...

 

[arfie]

go to my parents before the 15 days are over and that too feels low and I feel disgusting but I have to survive...

most of my healing journey has been dedicated to facing the bits which make me feel low and disgusting. procrastination only give the distortions and fears time to grow meaner and more distorted.

i don't know which country you are in and legal ramifications vary too widely for speculation, but living in a prison of fears and procrastination get my vote as the most cruel punishment available. neither do i know how it feels to have parents who will help me survive, but i know all too well that procrastinating on facing the inevitable is self-torture on high.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

most of my healing journey has been dedicated to facing the bits which make me feel low and disgusting. procrastination only give the distortions and fears time to grow meaner and more distorted.

i don't know which country you are in and legal ramifications vary too widely for speculation, but living in a prison of fears and procrastination get my vote as the most cruel punishment available. neither do i know how it feels to have parents who will help me survive, but i know all too well that procrastinating on facing the inevitable is self-torture on high.

Well, procrastinating in this case is because I don't yet have money to travel. Otherwise I'd do it sooner as I'm definitely feeling the anxiety get worse by the day.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

most of my healing journey has been dedicated to facing the bits which make me feel low and disgusting. procrastination only give the distortions and fears time to grow meaner and more distorted.

This made me realize a negative avoidance pattern I've had for couple of years.
Say more please? How do you get from that awful fear induced pan8c filled stage to more healing?

 

[arfie]

i haven't gotten past that fear induced panic. i stopped expecting ^it^ to go away. fear and panic are hard-wired parts of the survival instinct. it would be far easier for me to lose my left leg than to lose my survival instinct. that negative avoidance pattern is also part of the survival instinct. why, exactly, should i WANT to jump off that cliff my negative avoidance is urging me to turn away from?

where i opened myself to healing was in learning how to manage those natural gifts. these days i think of my emotions as one of the finest monitoring systems ever designed. alas, monitoring systems detect more accurately than they analyze. fear and panic are like the smoke alarm which will go off as readily for burnt toast as it will go off for a house fire. it is wise to momentarily choke back the panic and investigate before calling the fire department.

when facing the ptsd fears and panic, i remind myself that those fears and panic are trauma enhanced to psychotic proportions. i don't choke back the panic. i lean heavily on my therapy support network while i validate and process the injuries and their lamentable side effects. while being gentle with myself and patient with the process, i find some of the most amazing things when i find the courage to turn and stand steadfast through the onslaught.

courage is not the absence of fear. the absence of fear is stupidity. courage is action in the face of fear.

stay brave, my healing warrior. sometimes the most courageous act is to simply sit and process.

 

[sidptitala]

The procedure here seems to be if you want to get money back from someone you make a police report and only then it can go to collections or suing or whatever.

It of course depends on exactly where you are, but it's very hard to pursue debts internationally. Every national credit system is a universe of its own. If you go back to your home country it's likely any debt you have in the country you live in will not be able to follow you. You will be living in a world where that debt does not exist.

Please tell me I can be in trouble with the law and still pull through if it gets to that. I have never head any trouble with law ever and I feel like it will kill me.
I just need to handle it without insane anxiety and throwing up all the time because it's stopping me from actually responding to the situation.

You have survived so much and are surviving so much. Look at it this way: you are going back to your parents in order to gain strength you currently don't have. Future you will be so much stronger than you are now- but you also have superhuman survival skills, right now.

I may have to leave and leave the keys here and go to my parents before the 15 days are over and that too feels low and I feel disgusting but I have to survive...

You are so right- you have to survive. Try not to expect yourself to do anything else right now. Once you survive, you will have the energy for facing your debts and other complicated parts of life. Doing that is so much easier when you are not worried about basic survival. There is a lot in your posts that I relate to about money, eviction, food, abuse, ptsd, more than one country. And I can tell you what a difference having those basic needs for shelter and food has made for me. It's made all of those things so much easier. I also owe so much money from the times I have been losing my mind. Now that I can meet my basic needs I am trying to clear up that mess and you know what? It's going to work out eventually.

Try not to think about anything except getting yourself to your parents house.

my health has been bad and I avoided facing it for a long time.

Because this is true. I'm also trying to let go of shame about my failures. But having PTSD is no joke, and it won't affect you like this forever. But it is affecting you now, and that's not an excuse it's just a fact.

 

[abovedown]

I'm not going to say it's not my fault, my health has been bad and I avoided facing it for a long time.

The procedure here seems to be if you want to get money back from someone you make a police report and only then it can go to collections or suing or whatever. I've never been in trouble with law so I'm terrified so much now my landlord has to stop by and after everything with her yelling and threatening before when we have had easier disagreements, this makes me want to throw up or harm before anything official.

Please tell me I can be in trouble with the law and still pull through if it gets to that. I have never head any trouble with law ever and I feel like it will kill me.
I just need to handle it without insane anxiety and throwing up all the time because it's stopping me from actually responding to the situation. I have 15 more days here max and I may have to leave and leave the keys here and go to my parents before the 15 days are over and that too feels low and I feel disgusting but I have to survive...

It seems to me you are already doing your best at the moment. I get that the police report is stressful, but as you said it's a bureaucratic way for your soon-to-be-ex landlord to start a collecting process (which is even more stressful). Your only 'crime' is being late in rent. You haven't beaten anyone up or frecked the apartment you rented. I just want to you to remember that anyone can get in financial troubles. It doesn't define you as a person: who are not a criminal or a bad person because of it.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

It of course depends on exactly where you are, but it's very hard to pursue debts internationally.

Well I intend to return eventually but when I have returned some debt, have stable income and I can rely on my health.

Future you will be so much stronger than you are now- but you also have superhuman survival skills, right now.

I hope so because current me needs so much strength just to do normal things.

It doesn't define you as a person: who are not a criminal or a bad person because of it.

Yet I feel like both and sadly there is the anticipation towards it which makes it worse.

 

[sidptitala]

Well I intend to return eventually but when I have returned some debt, have stable income and I can rely on my health.

Yeah, I think being in another country would mean that you can do that at your own pace- without court summons, letters etc adding pressure that might make it harder to function well enough to get on top of. You're not a criminal and not a bad person- most fundamentally you need to rest and not need to worry about basic survival, for now. You will pay when you can. Nobody can really ask more of you (and the criminal justice system also knows this). When you are ready to start to pay your debt, generally collection agencies and the police will work with you instead of against you. You are behaving admirably and with grace and everyone can see that.

I hope so because current me needs so much strength just to do normal things.

I hope so for you too. But I just see so much excellent skill at survival in all of your posts. I really hope you get to a place where your basic needs are met and you don't have to work so hard.