Think i'm going to die soon

[LuckiLee]

Are you still seeing a therapist/psychologist? The one who diagnosed you?

 

[Deleted member 44517]

My niece went through all kinds of weird symptoms and would be in the ER several times a year for pain. Turns out she had endometriosis but doctors ignored her because she was in her teens. She also has some other kind of autoimmune thingy which causes random swelling and pain in her knees and sternum. One doctor actually accused her mom of somehow harming her daughter for attention. This went on for years before her diagnoses.

I understand the frustration of being told you are a hypochondriac. I believe your pain is real. The fear is not helping you though. It's not a defeat to try and treat the anxiety along with figuring out the pain.

 

[joeylittle]

I also went to an early intervention clinic but they said I was not psychotic. So this is not a delusion.

. It’s not psychosis - but that doesn’t mean it’s not a delusion. You can have delusions without being in or having a psychosis/psychotic disorder.

Believe me, I would love to think that I was delusional and that these things I think are not real. I've tried telling myself it's just anxiety or trauma. But something deep down tells me it is not.

That thing deep down that tells you it’s real - that’s why it’s a symptom.

Two things are possible here. One, you are experiencing an intense delusion that you are going to die soon. If it’s a delusion, it may respond to cognitive therapy. It’s not necessarily related in any way to PTSD. As a symptom, it’s generally called “sense of a foreshortened future”.

Or two, you are having a precognition.

Personally, I don’t think that you are seeing the future. What you describe is very common. It being common doesn’t make it less painful or frightening - but it’s a symptom that a number of mental disorders reference.

If I was understanding you correctly, you have a belief you dodged death once, by not going under General anaesthetic for a procedure. Since there is no way for you to know what that outcome would have been, this element is also part of the delusion.

Can you work with a therapist on this?

 

[The_Berry]

I stopped seeing my therapist. I couldn't leave the house. My dad has a friend who is a therapist and he's sending him round to see me today. But I haven't found therapy helpful so far.

When the premonition occured, I was going through a miscarriage. Lots of women miscarry though so I don't think that could have caused this. The miscarriage was complicated but, again, lots of people have complicated medical issues.

I will say some of what happened below. It's very graphic though so you may not want to read. It is hard to write down.

I went for an early scan at 7 weeks with the father. He is the only man I have ever loved, and he loves me as well, but the situation was very complicated. I haven't seen him now for 3 months. He calls and messages but I ignore him. At the early scan I saw the baby's heartbeat and everything looked perfect. It was the happiest day of my life.

At the 12 week scan, they couldn't find the heartbeat. It seemed that the baby had died at about 8 weeks. I was devastated of course, as anyone would be.

I took misoprostol to expel the tissue. The pain was excruciating for several hours. The next day I passed some stuff so I thought it was over and went back to work.

Four days later at work I went to the toilet and I felt something big coming out. I thought my womb was prolapsing. Then the foetus came out. I could see its spine and its eyes. I went to A&E. They said it was the pregnancy tissue coming out and I'd only passed blood clots before. They tried to pull it out with forceps but it was still firmly attached so they couldn't get it all.

I had a scan and they said only 2cm was left and I could leave it. I went home and back to work and I passed more bits of tissue so I thought it was over.

They scanned me again and said that actually 7cm was left in there. They couldn't leave it. I was in bed and the doctor was trying to remove some more tissue that was coming through my cervix.

That's when it happened. She said, "I think we'll need to do a D&C." I said, "Is it under local anesthesia?" and she said it would be under general.

So it was in that instant that I knew, and everything went wrong.

I can't really begin to explain everything that happened next, but I did find another hospital who did it under local. But even they didn't get all the tissue out, and I passed another 4cm piece a few days later.

My HCG dropped very slowly. I thought I would get gestational trophoblastic disease. Eventually it dropped low enough that my periods returned, which I never thought would happen

But the pelvic pain and sensations have been worsening ever since. Mainly behind my pubic bone and on the left hand side of my uterus where the placenta was. There's something in there. Ultrasounds say I'm clear but they've been wrong before. Something is causing this and it's getting harder and harder to ignore.

 

[Scarlet13]

Can you go for a detailed ultrasound like with a Reproductive Endocrinologist?
These docs are very good at investigating what went wrong including D and C's and they are good at problem solving. Their main job is to help women get pregnant again, but they could help you figure out why you have pain there still.

I had like 10 very early mc's in one year and I was not believed that I kept getting pregnant briefly and then would get a late period.
But my RE believed me and got me pregnant with a sustained pregnancy based off of this info.

There is also a procedure that they can go in with a camera to check for abnormalities in the uterus and REs are trained to do this and I believe it does not require anesthesia.

Also, a hormone panel can be run to rule out any of the pregnancy still remaining.
I would suggest finding an RE and problem solving this versus thinking you are going to die.
You can rule out abnormalities this way and take care of them.

Having said that, this strikes me as a trauma response. You could also be having medical issues causing pain (and this might be very solvable) but there are many signs this is a trauma response.

Getting to 12 weeks and then finding out you lost the baby is extremely traumatizing. That is a death and it feels like a death. You also saw the fetus on your own further emphasizing the loss of life. I had a mc at 9 weeks which I saw and it really impacted me, but I was too numb to know that.
My mc's caused so many deep trauma symptoms such as being in denial that I was pregnant during labour and thinking I was miscarrying when it was labour, that was delusional.

When you suffer a mc because it is so common doctors will tell you it is no big deal. But it is a big deal. The minimizing of this only serves to further push down and distort very normal and understandable pain responses. If you have a trauma past, then a mc can really be a catalyst for uncovering trauma.
I have an abusive past and when I suffered a 9 week mc it was devastating to me because I felt that intense fear of abnormality and loss of life.

It also sounds like you went thru some medical trauma as you had to go thru several procedures.
All of these issues can combine to create a sense of impending death.
I am still confused on the issue with general anesthesia?
Is the father approachable and supportive?

 

[The_Berry]

Can you go for a detailed ultrasound like with a Reproductive Endocrinologist?
These docs are very go...

Thank you.

The father would help, but I don't want to see him. It's just me and mum and an ex I'm very close to.

I think the procedure you are referring to is a hysteroscopy. That's what I'm going to go for. I'm scared to do it.

I'm confused about the general anaesthetic thing too. But there it is. I've had my HCG checked and it was down to 2 last time, so they left it. I've had three periods since then. But it dropped very slowly so I still think there could be more tissue.

But I think the cause of the pain will be the cause of my death too. I don't think I can escape it any longer.

 

[Muttly]

Welcome to the forum. It sounds like you've had an awful time and I am sorry you are dealing with all this.

For a moment, I am going to take a look at other possibilities. Please understand, I understand your in a lot of mental and physical pain and am not trying to diminish that. What I do see, is a lot of anxiety and black/white thinking. Even people who have been given a very severe prognosis tend to question their diagnosis and hold out hope. Even people who have premonitions can have ideas that are incorrect. The fact that you are holding onto this so firmly, suggests there's a reason you need to believe it. What if you weren't focusing on this? What other things would you be dealing with emotionally? The loss of your pregnancy? Your other anxieties? Your relationship issues? Is it possible that your fear of death is a protection from other thoughts and feelings? I do not think premonitions are impossible, however there seems to be enough other distorted and anxious thinking makes it seem likely that that you are experiencing some delusional thinking.

That being said your pain is real. Sadly, doctors are often dismissive of women especially when it's gynecological. They can also dismissive of people with pysch issues. I am glad your mom is being supportive and hope you get some medical help. I also hope you give therapy another try.

 

[The_Berry]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. It's very kind.

I'm not convinced unfortunately that the premonition is a defence. I'd rather deal with the other things. The only times I feel any better are when I've had a test done, that I've been sure will show something awful, and it's been clear. Then I feel so much better... for a time. Until I get more or worsening symptoms, and more tests are needed. If I wanted to hang onto the premonition I wouldn't feel such relief when it is seemingly disproved.

I think this is why it's so tricksy. It has come about in a situation that was traumatic, so others think it is a result of the trauma. It's trying to trick us all.

 

[shimmerz]

It's a really tough thing to be caught in a 'if I do this.... this horrifying thing will happen, but if I do that .... that horrifying thing will happen`. That sounds like, to me, what is happening to you right now.

You were told, over and over again that everything was good. It wasn`t. It may well still not be. Like there is this `thing(?)' inside of you that is threatening your life and causing you pain and you KNOW that there is something wrong but nobody is helping you in a way that seems idk, helpful to you.

In trauma there is such a thing as pain reactions. Many people here are in chronic pain at all times of the day and night. Maybe....

But first, and foremost, it sounds to me like you may need to get this procedure done and that is screwing with your head.

Is it the general that you can't deal with? If they could do it using a local, could you do that to ensure that everything is out of you?

 

[The_Berry]

Well, the hysteroscopy would be under local if I did that. But I think I would need to go privately as my doctors don't think there's anything wrong.

But if they found something during the hysteroscopy... who knows what I would need doing.

I'm going to the doctor on Friday anyway to discuss it.

 

[shimmerz]

Okay, so the good thing is that you are moving through it. When it becomes really ugly is when one is frozen - can't seem to move.

I hope that all goes well and smoothly for you. It sounds like this whole experience has been a really rough go. Much sympathy for your loss. People don't get how devastating losing a child before birth can be.

 

[Friday]

There’s a thing that happens with pregnancy... where the single best indicator that something is wrong? Is the sudden feeling that... something is wrong. Which may sound duh, but it’s a hormonal thing that OBs beat into expectant mom’s heads (You don’t need a reason. If something just feels wrong? Emotionally? Call me. Or come in immediately. You don’t need a reason to justify why you’re convinced something is wrong. Being convinced is enough. Call me. Come in. Just do it.)

What I’ve been told is that it’s the body’s way of communicating during a very temporary state of affairs. Pregnancy is such a moving target -and so short, comparatively- that it makes more sense for a general alarm to go out, than for our bodies to be directly transmitting specific info.

One of the common problems with this emergency broadcast system is that it can get “stuck” turned ON! ON! ON! in cases of APD & PPD. (Antepartum depression & postpartum depression / postnatal depression). Because hormones are intense bastards, and can really make things wacky. Especially if there’s any history of MI like OCD, which can make PPD present differently.

Which is NOT my saying that there’s nothing wrong with you. There may well be scar tissue, adhesions, or tissue left. But you may also be dealing with PPD, which is incredibly treatable and very much worth discussing with your OB/Gyn or Specialist or Psych.