Being intimate - i don't think i'm normal

[NewBeginnings]

@EveHarrington I learn so much from you and your no nonsense views. Since I am one who cowers from conflict I am not sure I could handle your direct approach face to face but in the forum I can read and reflect and reflect and reflect and read and reflect some more and come to a deep appreciation at recognizing some flaws in my thinking.

 

[Sideways]

and I can't say it because even saying that feels really shameful and exposing, which is really stupid.

Yeah, I can hear the overwhelming sense of shame coming through in your posts.

You know, out of all the issues? shame is probably the single biggest, most damaging, and most difficult to overcome for me. It’s a very slow work in progress. But it gets better.

Keep testing the waters. Whenever you can, try leaning on your T or your partner. And when they react with compassion? Try and remind yourself it’s because you’re worth it. Be gentle with yourself.

 

[Haven]

I feel like I can really connect with you about this. I get the whole not wanting to tell anyone because I feel stupid for saying so bit. You don't want to upset people, you don't want to cause trouble. You want to take care of this on your own and not drag anyone down with you.

I'm not married. I've never had consensual sex before. I'm not sure I can imagine right now what that's like. Sometimes trusting men, and being married is so farfetched to me, I laugh out loud. But there are small things that make it possible. Kind, gentle, caring men whom I'm friends with. Like your husband. He loves you, he wants to help you, he is patient with you. I know for me I'm starting slowly. I focus not on the intense sexual feelings, but the emotional bond, and being with someone I love and trust. I have a kind of weird rule, but it works for me. I tell the guys I date (I'm finally able to date, yay!) that they need to ask before they do anything, and if they need to ask, the answer is probably no. I like to lead, because I only do what I feel comfortable with. It's safe for me. Nothing comes as a surprise or when I don't want it.

Before I want to try something, I'll sometimes spend days thinking about it before hand. Thinking of all the good that can come, and from how safe I feel. When I went on my first safe date, I asked the guy out. I imagined us having a good time, and enjoying our conversation. It was really great! One day, I'll even hold someone's hand, and I'm sure it will be very similar. I felt in control the entire time. It was very lovely. If I can't imagine doing it, and feel safe, I don't do it. That's just what works for me though. We're all different though, so it may not be helpful for your situation.

 

[Miles2go]

I am the problem.

I would say no, you aren't a problem - you just have a problem, and if you were traumatized in the past it's perfectly understandable that you feel the way you do.

My wife and I are dealing with a similar issue - our marriage has been sexless for about 6 years, with very little intimate contact over the last 15 to 20. There are issues with inappropriate touching by her Father, and I could have been a much better husband, to be honest, if I hadn't let my CPTSD issues control my actions for so long.

Recently we started to connect again, holding hands for short periods, but things are still complicated with menopause and nerve pain that make it difficult for her to function, much less do anything very vigorous.

My main frustration, is that any feedback I get from her is sparse and cryptic. Many days I feel helpless, in the dark, unwanted, ugly and unlovable - it can really hurt far more than the lack of intimacy. I've thought about leaving, but I stay because I love and respect her, she's always been there for me, and is my best friend in the world - but on the other hand, all of those things can just make the pain worse, when she keeps me in the dark about the why's and wherefore's.​

I would strongly encourage you, with the help of a T if necessary, to try and share as openly as you can manage with your H. I would bet you a million dollars that he will be a great supporter and do all he can to help - he's stuck with you this far so I would be very surprised if he didn't do everything possible to help you through this.

You don't have to go through this alone. You don't need to wait for decades, like I did, to address the problem, and trust me, those years will creep up on you faster than you can imagine.

I wish you all the best.

 

[oakleaves]

Yeah, I can hear the overwhelming sense of shame coming through in your posts.

You know, out of...

Thank you so much, and sorry it has taken me so long to come back to this thread. I have been having a difficult time.

Shame is so much of a problem for me. But it feels so justified to be ashamed or to feel ashamed.

I had emdr today. My t asked a couple of questions about things from the past (like when did it stop) and I got very overwhelmed and panicky so she stopped and helped me to remember where I was etc. I wish I could talk more without getting overwhelmed. Touch is a big trigger for me but because I can cope (in my own strange ways) with sex I feel like I can't say it really triggers me when my husband comes up and touches me from behind if I'm doing the dishes or whatever or touches me in certain parts of my body. I struggle with sex but I also love my husband and I find him attractive and feel safe with him and so on.

I'm scared to tell her that I drink a shot of alcohol (I am not a drinker at all generally, I have never ever been properly drunk) before we have sex at night or late afternoon or if not I scratch myself or hurt myself in other ways - I don't know whether I do that to punish myself, ground myself or both.

It stopped when I was 15. That's all I needed to say and I couldn't say it.

 

[oakleaves]

I would say no, you aren't a problem - you just have a problem, and if you...

Thank you. I love my husband. I know I need to try to talk to him more. It is just difficult. It is my struggle and I don't want it to contaminate him.

 

[oakleaves]

Uhm, but are you REALLY "the problem"...?

Nobody comes with a guarantee.

We all have our strug...

Those are all fair points. Thank you. I am often harsh on myself. I don't know how not to be. I think I get it in on myself before anyone else can because I anticipate it so much.

 

[Gs172003]

Maybe it could be an opportunity for trust and to see if your partner can be there to support you...

I just read this. How do you do that? How do you go from "sex isn't for me it's for him" to " it's a bonding experience"

I don't know if I can

 

[richard_Grey_Area]

Hello Oakleaves.
What you posted resonates so well with me.
I experience almost exactly the same as you, during sex I don't feel any kind of physical pleasure making the experience unpleasant and awkward for both me and my partners.

I can't advise you on what to do, but I can share how I am trying to cope.

Firstly, I think that the approach is important. Sex, romantic relationships, even friendships should not be goals in themselves and should not be things you judge yourself on as I see it. This puts pressure on you and makes you feel like a failure when in truth, you might not have done anything wrong.

I also think that being honest with people in your life is very important. Partners (not exclusively male partners) can take you saying that you don't want to be intimate or that you feel bad when you are in certain situations personally and get very upset. As I said, people (not just people suffering from ptsd) often make what I regard as a mistake but having their relationship status and sexual activity closely tied to their self esteem. But I feel that it is important for you to explain not only how you feel but why - this can be very difficult, I know this from first hand experience.

After that, what I did was to gradually acclimatise myself to "normal" contact and interactions with people, forcing myself to get onto crowded trains and busses, not avoiding situations where touching someone's hand or brushing against them would naturally occur. Over time my physical reactions (nausea and disgust, fear and uncontrollable rage) dissipated.
Unfortunately I still don't cope well with the sort of intimacy which is considered "normal" in a relationship.

But when I was with someone very special to me, I found that holding hands and even kissing (which is really bad for me, I can't take it) didn't feel horrible, it actually felt good. I didn't push things and try to have sex as a way of seeing if I was "ok" and luckily, the person I was with was very understanding and didn't put her own needs before my comfort. When things happened between us it felt like a natural progression, not like a challenge I felt I needed to overcome or something I needed to prove to myself or others.
I am blessed to have met someone so patient and understanding.
I hope that you too meet someone who just makes everything feel natural, and I hope that you are able to overcome difficulties you have in interacting with others in your own way which works for you.

Please also remember that getting well is a process, not just something you do once and then everything is fine.
Because things worked once doesn't mean that everything is better now and the trauma has vanished. Please be patient and understanding with yourself as well and try not to feel "broken" when you can't enjoy things others naturally do.