Dom Violence -updated- verbal/emotional abuses in dv shelter, i think i'm worse than before

[blackemerald1]

@Happyplace76 - I think you are venting in just the right place. And I would encourage you to vent here rather than irl. I think for now your choices are so limited and I really hope coming here is helping. I am listening. I understand.

@Fadeaway - same goes for you too!

Having been in a similar (but not the same obviously) position as you...there is no real life situation that aligns with DV shelters. So, it is very much a live and watch your back, duck and weave on an emotional level with other residents. All day and night, every day and night.

I understand how one look, turn away, comment or totally unconnected action can enrage another person in a shelter. Hopscotch on a minefield springs to mind.

I think it is great that you both have this place to express yourselves about your situation. PTSD is hard enough in a perfectly stable environment where one has control over most things. It's even worse when you have to be constantly alert to the environment and people in it.

:hug: to you both!

 

[Happyplace76]

@Ronin all the other women are for the most part are ok - in fact we all get along well except for the new dynamic. I take smoke breaks, we go to the park, watch tv, have a lot of appointments and I'm just beginning to work on some of the logistics and generally try to stay away from the drama. They both actually apologized to me the next day... I will need to hold them at arm's length, but at least they did that.

Is there anywhere outside you & kiddo can go?

And, where are the calmer and having it more together peopl...

 

[ladee]

Sounds like you are so much stronger than you ever imagined !! And your learning curve is happening very rapidly.. And there has to something calming about you not getting involved , yet learning to set some boundaries. talk about exposure therapy !! going to know how to handle all sort of situations when you finally have a safe place for you and your son.. not only surviving your abusive relationship, but the place you live now !!! Hooray for you and @Fadeaway !!

Super proud of you @Happyplace76 , and who knew this would be some 'mirror' work you needed, and it's free !! lol... well, free money wise... but not experience wise... Sounds like you are holding your own, and learning a lot... extra prayers for everyone there to find a home and sanity... sending you lots of hugs.... and extra's for your son !!:hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[Happyplace76]

My point is that they are being abusive to your face. You are being abusive behind their backs. P...

@EveHarrington I am not being abusive. I am venting. Verbally abusing someone whether it's in a home or a shelter isn't being honest, it's being abusive or being a bully.

@Happyplace76 - I think you are venting in just the right place. And I would en...

So, it is very much a live and watch your back, duck and weave on an emotional level with other residents. All day and night, every day and night.

@blackemerald1 you pretty much nailed it on the head. Add in some hyper vigilance, and it's like navigating the emotional abusive all over again. Thank you and yes it does help me - a lot - this place has been so so helpful. :hug::hug:

Sounds like you are so much stronger than you ever imagined !! And your learning curve is happening very...

@ladee yes I guess it is exposure therapy lol!! I am an antelope though - I flee and I'm seeing how this may not be beneficial in some areas of my life. I'm not so numb anymore, I'm angry (which my therapist said was a good thing that I was moving through it). It's an experience that has stripped some of my naivetivity. (totally destroyed the spelling on that one) I am a prime candidate for manipulation, being taken advantage of, and abuse. I have to change, and my son will benefit from it as well. Thank you for your encouragement and positive support!

 

[Happyplace76]

@blackemerald1 you pretty much nailed it on the head. Add in some hyper vigilanc...

Update - She left early this week. The house has been nice again... hot, so very hot bc we don't have A/C here, but everyone has stopped walking on eggshells. My therapist gave me some GREAT handouts on setting boundaries - I have it posted next to my bed. Saying no without justifying is SOOOO hard for me and they're getting on me about it here ;) but I'm making progress. I feel like I'm being cold or mean when I try to set boundaries. Sounds a whole lot easier than it is lol :)

 

[blackemerald1]

I've found saying no without explanation hard too. I like saying, 'thank you but no'. Some how this feels better than saying 'no' then nothing. Try it out, see how this feels.:)
You are doing well Happy:hug:

 

[Happyplace76]

I've found saying no without explanation hard too. I like saying, 'thank you but no'. Some how thi...

I really wanted to help one of the residents here move some of her stuff (she's got an apartment, moving out) but my back is SOOO bad I can't risk a flare up or a strain. Still feel bad bc I know how hard it is to move on your own. Thanks for the advice - maybe I should look up on the internet different ways of saying no for different situations. In fact that's what I'm going to do this week. :hug: I feel like I'm doing better... I was working with the RA for months before being in the house and she's reminded me how FAR I've come but it's good to hear from others too. Took my son to see the new Jurassic Park movie yesterday @blackemerald1 and he had a BLAST. He said part of it was bc we hadn't done that in a while. The movie put me to sleep lol but I loved looking over and seeing him clutching the big bucket of popcorn, candy, eyes wide lol! It felt really good to a) not cancel a plan I promised him, b) seeing him happy. He caught himself I think - he put his head on my shoulder and then think remembered how old he was ;)

 

[blackemerald1]

Oh I know moving oneself is a painful experience but once it's done it's over with. Aggravating a painful back goes on & on. Good choice saying no. Happy!
Your son sound's just great. He loves you Happy. Be very proud of that! :hug:

 

[Fadeaway]

No air conditioning in the shelter I am in either. It is going to be in the 90's all week.

Not sure what the weather is like where you are but try and stay cool.

 

[Happyplace76]

No air conditioning in the shelter I am in either. It is going to be in the 90's all week.

Not sure...

@Fadeaway its going to be hot all week here, I’m right there with you - hope you stay cool too!

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @Happyplace76 - reaching out to you to say hello. Hoping you are ok. :hug:

 

[Happyplace76]

That is so nice of you @blackemerald1 to care. Every week, day is different- the trouble makers were kicked out but we are still in shelter and the drug/alcohol addiction that I’ve seen has been hard as it’s a trigger. We had an event here just this past weekend where two people were exited due to one woman’s substance abuse and I’m really beginning to get upset at the things they put up with here. Therapist still thinks this place has re-traumatized me but we’re working through it together. I just want to leave the area for good - a fresh start, and that almost happened a few weeks ago but some red flags were waving and all of my “expert” support agreed that it would’ve been another unhealthy situation I would’ve been walking into. Events have happened here recently where I went into guard mode (triggered, had to hide in bathroom) so it’s still there. I have my vouchers now I just have to get out of freeze mode and this depression. We are going to a church this morning for the first time in a while. I have to get out of here but still slowly removing the barriers to it. Been rough can’t lie. But there have been great days too... connections made once the trouble makers were removed and my therapist keeps pointing out how I’ve helped others without even being cognizant of it which ya know as a codependent is like crack ? but I’ve really done a ton of work on boundaries and finding and using my voice again. Saying no, saying goodbye to people who use me, etc.... hope all are well and God bless!!