Dom Violence -updated- verbal/emotional abuses in dv shelter, i think i'm worse than before

[blackemerald1]

I think given everything I've been through up here - hell - a fresh start in an area I know with friends who actually care about me is better than our current situation.

@Happyplace76 - this seems to sum up how you feel. I'm glad you have worked out what is in your son's and your best interests. Certainly I think if you can get support from friends and (the system) then absolutely - I think your reasoning is sound and the sooner you can go...the better. Therefore can you...
put the bulk of your belongings into storage and go with a smaller amount until you can save up for the rest to be moved?
If not,
borrow some money to hire the U-Haul to get out of there?
If not,
do you know anyone with a trailer whom you could offer to pay the fuel for and get your belongings this way?
If not,
will any charity/DV service help you move to Cinci., ahead of or with your belongings?
If not,
can you sell something to boost your finances to hire the U-Haul?

I'm sorry I just typed that and I thought ...you will have thought of all these ideas. But I will not delete it. I know how difficult it is to find some 'free air' when you are really in survival mode all over again. If none of these suggestions are helpful please ignore. *of course!

I really know how hard it is to: 1. Make a decision 2. Work out what you have to do to execute that decision 3. Actually do it.

I'm also going to suggest you ring ahead and have some really serious conversations with these friends and supporters that have told you they understand and will assist you if you move to cinci.

Please thoroughly vet the landscape and circumstances that are being offered. I'm sure your friends and supporters are totally genuine and can assist. However be cautious as some people say they understand, have the resources, patience and the list goes on...to support you however may totally underestimate the alteration in the dynamics in their lives once the reality is on their door-step. And I am not talking about fluffy people who say...yeah hell yeah come on down....

Please make sure they know exactly how unwell, displaced and broken you are. (Sorry that sounds dreadful...) Don't sugar coat how you are.

Unfortunately when you accept this kind of offer then these people have the potential (unintentionally) to break you again by underestimating how difficult it is to support and assist someone to get back on their feet. If you have to leave because they cannot cope or circumstances change for them. What will you do? Please have the discussion.

In the meantime stay safe. With great respect to Sha's opinion... I'd suggest not be trying to 'negotiate' or have discussions with the woman causing you the most problems in the DV shelter. If staff cannot handle her it is unlikely that you can. It is great to have compassion and tolerance however you cannot get into other peoples *stuff... in the circumstances you are currently in. Just keep your peace until you can move on. Very hard to do..I know.:hug:

 

[shimmerz]

16 Thousand likes. ^^^ I would go more likes, but I don't want to seem too 'keener-like'.:happy:

 

[Happyplace76]

Most of the people there are going to be in near constant states of fight / flight / fawn & are going to be overreacting to everything that happens. Of course, some of the women there despise you, the same way you hate them, because you remind each other of your abusers. Victims are easy targets to hate. So you hate each other, because it’s safe to be mad at some disgusting victim, instead of your exes.

@Friday I do understand this... Actually I don't hate anyone - I came in here and in our very first support group really felt for this woman and gave her a lot of support, told her if she needed to have a reason NOT to contact her abuser to come get me. And then BAM - "Dumb bitch", her yelling episodes at me - other residents - so I know that we're not all tip top, but this is more of the mean girls mentality - WHICH of course is coming from our trauma but I'm tired of myself and another woman (who's very quiet, kind, etc...) of being HER favorite place to dump her shit. What she does, brings back the parent and my abuser's memories... but still don't hate her. I don't feel safe around her at all, don't want to share anything other than a hi or necessary question but she's not even making that possible. But it makes sense, this is my first experience in a women's shelter.

"All the lying, manipulating, stealing/hoarding, lashing out, peacekeeping, making nice, flinching, expecting the worst?" - yes all this I did not expect but I've seen every single one of these, with the stealing, hoarding and lying being the most surprising. Did not know this was a thing. It confused me.

Just need to start planning on a plan to get out asap. Thank you for putting it into a perspective that I can use to not take it personally but see it as the human psychology of trauma that it is.

 

[Happyplace76]

@Happyplace76 - this seems to sum up how you feel. I'm glad you have worked out...

Thank you @blackemerald1 - I read it and you bring up some of the same concerns that have been in the back of my mind too about Cinci. I am concerned that my friends may not understand or grasp what this is like, how bad I've been, hell I just called the electric company yesterday to switch off the electric in the old apartment - to others that's easy - but if you're going through trauma and depression, ptsd etc... it's a feat to do that. I get that kind of understanding here from the staff. So yep, totally there with you on that.

I have to wait til July, even August - I'm working with an income of about 400 a month right now but I think there are relocation options, I'm just in the beginning of making those decisions/goals so nothing is set in stone. My girlfriend is willing to help a little too... I had to leave all our furniture at our old place. So all I have are boxes, the artwork I could transport in the car, clothes and paperwork. Small U-Haul with a trailer for the car.

Again :hug::hug:!

 

[Happyplace76]

I haven't been on in a while, been a little crazy. That woman verbally abused two children here last week, one was mine. And she is gone now - she left Saturday but not before beating on another woman's car here and spitting at her. She had started with me earlier in the morning, witnessed by one of the workers here, who God love her, kept her in her office until we were able to leave (turns out she had a rap sheet 23 pages long, full of assault, vandalism, serious crimes. The house now is a house of women of supporting each other, it's just a different house. Everyone is happy she's gone. We survived it, and this time when she started verbally harassing me, - well this is after she messed with my son, I almost laughed when she called me a retard and told her to stay away from me and the children in this house or she'd be sorry and that I was no longer afraid of her. Honestly haven't felt that empowered since before all the trauma. Hope wise? Not there yet. But I'm not crying everyday, and now that this lady is gone, I'm not jumpy - I'm socializing and honestly having a great time with all of the ladies. We had our house meeting yesterday, and she asked what would we want to know about our future. I realized I didn't and don't want to know - I'm afraid of the future. Expect more of the same as far as struggling, trust issues, etc...

But just wanted to give an update that both my son and I are much much better. I've talked with my friend honestly and I will have a decision to make, but I'm not making a hasty one. I am having issues with handling any kind of pressure - stress, making decisions, avoidance and I are still the best of friends. They want me to get a job immediately upon getting down there - and all of my docs/therapist have told me I'm not quite there yet - I mean I'm praying I am in like a month but they're also pressuring me on coming down right away and I just can't handle pressure like that. I am also finding out I am a likeable person - I'm also learning about boundaries.

 

[blackemerald1]

Oh well done @Happyplace76!! - Thanks for the update too.

That woman must be so damaged but it still doesn't give her permission to misbehave. Well done for standing your ground with her.
I reckon you are quite right to take your time, give yourself an opportunity to think what all your options might be. If you have no time limit with the shelter and it's ok for now... breathe, save and contemplate. That's plenty!!:):hug:

 

[Happyplace76]

Oh well done @Happyplace76!! - Thanks for the update too.

That woman must be s...

Thank you @blackemerald1, I felt good with how I handled it. And today they all sent kids to zoo and for the first time in eons, eons, I got to take a hike by myself in the forest, which is where my "Happyplace" is. Yes, I've been high fived for my awesome self care today! lol! Honestly haven't had many opportunities, but my Lord, did I need it and made sure to thank the child advocates who took them.

 

[shimmerz]

The house now is a house of women of supporting each other, it's just a different house.

I was at a shelter this time last year. I stayed for 5 months and it taught me a ton. We had a chick in there that was violent and, omg she went after everyone.

Most of all I focused on 'just because someone is upset, it doesn't mean it is my fault'. That whole PTSD 'everything is my fault and my fault is everything' took about a month to break and it has served me well having a different perspective.

This quoted sentence popped out at me. I recall noticing the change in everyone when the shit disturber left. The personality shifting was unbelievable. Stress washed away and friendships were forged. I have many people I still speak to from the shelter.

But mostly I thought to myself, if 1 person in a shelter of 60 people (in my case) can cause that much shit and chaos -- imagine what a parent could do in a house with little ones. It allows me to see and actually feel a bit of how it was for me. Insanity.

And it made me recognize that who I hang around with really matters. I don't think I was aware of that in such a concrete way until I had seen it happen in action. That kind of energy is like being trapped in a closet with the Tasmanian Devil.

 

[Happyplace76]

I was at a shelter this time last year. I stayed for 5 months and it taught me a ton. We had a chick...

@shimmerz - thank you so much, you understand how it is. Actually we had 3 days of peace and then they brought in another woman who had been abused by her hitman partner. She flipped the you know what out Thursday night because staff couldn't let her in right away - at staff, then me because well, why not?? lol! Actually it's not funny, I was in the office with the worker at one point, and both the new princess gangbanger (never in my life met someone so demanding and high maintenance) were in the doorway just literally verbally abusing me - the worker - I don't know how she handled princess gangbanger without walking out of the house. But I was cornered in the office, I felt like an animal in a cage and I couldn't leave, panic attack, body shaking etc... I told PG to "Get away from me! " and she went to step into the office, I closed the door - she kept me from shutting it right before it was latched and I forced it shut. Then she went crying that I "assaulted" her and was going to call the police on me. She didn't because she knew she was full of shit. I was up til 3am last night. That reminded me of past abuse by both my mom and my son's father. It was a bad, bad triggering night.

Most of all I focused on 'just because someone is upset, it doesn't mean it is my fault'. That whole PTSD 'everything is my fault and my fault is everything' took about a month to break and it has served me well having a different perspective.

OH MY GOSH is THIS what that has been my whoooole life??? That is how I react - in fact yesterday when I was speaking to my case manager, she said something like this. I have always assumed guilt - Others have seen it here with me and have brought that up but I never thought it was from the PTSD, and that means I've been walking around for 41 years with it and didn't know it. Instead I was told it was depression, anxiety. Yes, boundaries is on my week's list of goals - I was told I'm not putting myself first, even in here and, she was right. And this has been a pattern all my life.

Princess gangbanger came up to me yesterday when I returned to say that "she just wants to get along and is sorry" which was fine but then she hugged me and I'm thinking to myself - please get your hands off me. I told her I appreciated the apology and that there needed to be respect between us. Nothing more nothing less, I walked away. That was it, because I'm learning that with these kind of women, there will be a next time and I'm not giving my time, or caring nature to people who act like that, that have no idea what respect is. Staff yesterday told me I was being manipulated and I thought I had been with another woman here. You're right you learn a lot. On a funny note, I'm seeing a variety of personality disorders in the flesh ;) and not just in a textbook. Thank you!

 

[blackemerald1]

On a funny note, I'm seeing a variety of personality disorders in the fles

@Happyplace76 - pleased you can see something funny in the experience lol.

Stay safe!

 

[Happyplace76]

@Happyplace76 - pleased you can see something funny in the experience lol.

St...

I would lose my mind @blackemerald1 if I didn't. At least the sense of humor and joking around is back ;)

 

[shimmerz]

I'm seeing a variety of personality disorders in the flesh ;) and not just in a textbook. Thank you!

Yeah, you know, this taught me a ton about myself by literally seeing myself 'mirrored' in many ways by different people.

A for instance was a woman who was deeply offended and started riding around on a high horse because the world according to her needed to be 'this way' and everyone had to follow her ethics. If they didn't they were 'bad'.

It's been a while since I have been like that but man oh man, seeing that in someone else allowed me to see just how truly obnoxious and arrogant I had been for much of my life. It was awful to have to face.

And yeah, the chick I was talking about used to swing back and forth like a pendulum. Not a well timed pendulum I might add. Never knew what she was up to one moment to the next. I recognized that that was not good for me. I need consistency. Rarely something one finds in a shelter.