Dom Violence -updated- verbal/emotional abuses in dv shelter, i think i'm worse than before

[Rani G2]

There is a saying that hurt people,hurt people.most people try to act tough because they are scared inside.

Yes Yes Yes. I belong to one of them. I dont abuse others, BUT if someone messes with me I get a certain rage. This is absolutely selfdestructive. I'd rather be sane and want to keep my humanness.

 

[Happyplace76]

Yeah, you know, this taught me a ton about myself by literally seeing myself 'mirrored' in many ways b...

@shimmerz I'm having a hard time understanding the behavior of the two shit starters, BUT I see a lot of my younger self and it's helping me to understand myself better. A lot of the behaviors remind me of how I acted when I was still living with my abusers.

 

[EveHarrington]

You sound a bit judgmental toward these other women. Do you know for a fact that they have personality disorders? Do you know all of their diagnosis’?

I don’t think it’s going to do you any good to come on here and bad mouth other shelter residents.

Princess gangbanger? Do you actually call this woman this name to her face? Would you like it if the other residents made up nicknames about you and bad mouthed you on the internet?

This isn’t a healing thread IMHO. It’s a healing diversion thread. Maybe it would be better for you to work on healing instead of just bad mouthing other residents online.

 

[shimmerz]

You ever been in a shelter eve? It’s a whole different universe

 

[Fadeaway]

I am currently in a shelter and the need to vent about other residents is great. It really is a different world.

Only reason I haven't is because the plausibility of at least one resident being a member here is higher than in a normal situation and I have already been on the reciving end of malicious gossip here. Gossip spreads like fire around here because there isn't much else to do.

 

[shimmerz]

because there isn't much else to do.

Agreed. They are mostly in different stages of traumatization, their kids may have been taken by foster care, clearly they are homeless and if one hasn't been homeless -- there are no words for the effect of that on a person's personality. Also, finding residents in shelters that have proper boundaries (whether because of their situation or they just don't know about boundaries) is akin to attempting to herd cats.

Just isn't possible. Is such an incredibly stressful situation with a group of people who have no sense of grounding whatsoever just by nature of the position they are in.

Vent away @Happyplace76 and @Fadeaway. My heart is with you both. May you both find great success once this stage in your life has come to a close. :inlove:

 

[Happyplace76]

You sound a bit judgmental toward these other women. Do you know for a fact that they have person...

@EveHarrington
One, shelters are still abusive. Just because someone with PTSD - as in any other disorder it doesn't give them the right to abuse others - especially when they have JUST been traumatized by some of the very same things they left. If you can remember junior high, then that doesn't even come close to the dynamics of a DV shelter. It is venting - and in between therapy visits - imagine still being in an abusive situation and you're subjected to verbal abuse on a weekly basis. It's an experience like nothing else. If you had witnessed what I went through you wouldn't be saying I was being judgmental. That's actually one thing people say I'm not. It definitely helped me this morning to vent, and so yes it was healing.

 

[Fadeaway]

If one has never experienced it, they really have no clue. I was pretty ignorant before this, because I had no frame of reference. It have been physically threatened, and scared for my life because I cant predict whether the people are going to follow through with their threats. Staff doesnt care, it may be a new experiance for me, but this is every day minor stuff to them. They are more concerned woth keeping the doors open.

 

[Happyplace76]

If one has never experienced it, they really have no clue. I was pretty ignorant before this, because...

@Fadeaway What I've found is that the staff minimizes it by saying everyone is at different places in their healing (true) and that this is not uncommon and part of shelter living and that things will be handled. They calm down for a day and then are back to their same crap. It's tough.... but it does speed along the process of learning to say no, watch out so you're not manipulated, and really learning boundaries and forcing you to let most stuff roll off your back. I'm grateful but this has been traumatizing - my therapist agrees with me and rehousing is a priority of mine.

 

[Ronin]

Is there anywhere outside you & kiddo can go?

And, where are the calmer and having it more together people, while in? Thinking you might be able to find at least *one* person that is not for the abusive drama and also just wants peace, which might be a lifeline to sanity and your current placement just being temporary.

 

[EveHarrington]

My point is that they are being abusive to your face. You are being abusive behind their backs. Please don’t pretend that your method is somehow superior. They are being honest and putting it out there. You’re being dishonest by talking about them behind their backs and making up mean nicknames. This goes beyond just venting. And research shows that venting isn’t always good. I’d argue that this is one of those times, given that it gets a bit mean.

 

[Suzetig]

I think there’s this perception of DV shelters that all the women have been through the same thing and are in a safe haven now so living together is like a sisterhood where everyone is super tolerant, super empathic and super supportive. But you’re talking about a group of traumatised women living in very limited space with limited privacy, and no choice over who else lives with them. They’ve left everything they own and in some cases everyone they’ve known - it’s not a place for seeing anyone at their best.

There’s varying degrees of capacity to move forward, they will be in various stages of mourning the abusive relationship and may be en route to returning to the very place they fled. Add in financial stresses, children and childcare, and just plain old personality clashes and there’s going to be friction, and lots of it.

In those circumstances having somewhere to let off steam can be the difference between coping with other residents, smiling and nodding your way through the day and verbally or physically assaulting someone. In that instance, venting is often the better option if it helps someone cope under extreme duress.

No one needs to read any thread that they find difficult, triggering or offensive.