Just a brief low down on what's going on in case you haven't seen my other posts. I reported to recent incidents to the police from this past month (not sexual assault this time - only physical). This past week on Tuesday I had a video interview with them, which I went into thinking that it was potentially a good thing because we were moving forward with the investigation. To put a very long story short, it didn't go well, at all. I was accused of lying and inflicting the injuries upon myself (although they took the stance that it is because I'm so mentally ill). That sent me for a loop. It made me start to doubt myself, it scared me, and it also sent me into such a deep spiral that I've never been in before.
I've been honest with my "team" about my suicidal thoughts and intentions. I don't lie to them about it, I may try to hide it or avoid answering specifics, but I won't lie to them. I had several check in calls with the new social worker this week, one while I was still in the police station. I saw her Thursday in person, she asked about suicide plans and I told her I had one but I didn't want to disclose what it was. It sent up red flags for her and she said that put her in a rough spot. We ended up getting off the topic to booking appointments and getting me in to see someone asap about medication to help with the crisis. Between the social worker and the nurse practitioner they got ahold of my psych doctors office and the secretary was supposed to call me that day to book an appointment but they never did (surprise, surprise). It wasn't a shock because I've been trying to contact them since my attempt at the end of February.
I ended up starting my medication again yesterday but it will take over a month before I notice a difference. In the meantime I have had another referral put in to a new urgent psych doctor. I went home Thursday and overdosed on Tylenol, stupid, I know... I didn't really care then (or now), I knew it wouldn't kill me but it was the action I guess. I ended up sleeping the rest of the day, and about 6 hours after taking the medication I was puking. Then yesterday I had an appointment with my original social worker, she also voiced concerns over my current state. The nurse practitioner clinic called me yesterday and asked if I would be willing to talk to a crisis team to see if they could speed up my psych referral process so that I wasn't waiting 2 weeks to see someone. I agreed, but when the crisis team called me to confirm I was ok with this they told me that they couldn't speed up the process I told them I wouldn't talk them because there wasn't any point.
I ended up telling them over the phone that I had overdosed on Tylenol on Thursday and then they were trying to convince me to meet face to face with them to talk. I refused, they can't really do anything because no one has my new address yet. I have does this for two reasons, one for the obvious reason to ensure my safety from my abuser, but the second reason is because if I do want to commit suicide and succeed then I don't want anyone to know where to find me. I have expressed on here in my trauma diary what my more specific suicide plans are - I put them there because they are a little graphic and I don't want it in people's face if they can't handle that.
I am low, I haven't felt this way ever, at least not that I can remember. There is just something about having the police call you a liar (even in mental illness) and having them tell you that you've inflicted all these injuries upon yourself (even the ones from December, which they recovered DNA from btw). It's not like I haven't tried to help myself so that I don't get this bad. I actively tried to get in to see my psych doctor since I was discharged from the hospital from my suicide attempt. I've been calling for 6 weeks with no answer (3 times a week), I also walked into the hospital several times to try and speak directly to the secretary to book an appointment to no avail. I've been trying to prevent this since I was released, but I can only do so much. Even after other medical professionals got involved in contacting this psych doctor there has still been no contact with me to book an appointment.
Going to the ER for help with meds won't do anything because they can't prescribe the type of medication the social worker thinks will help. She wants to try and get me some PRNs (ones that dissolve under your tongue and are fast acting) to try and get me out of crisis mode until my regular medication kicks in. The only one who can prescribe the PRNs are the psych doctors, and I can't get in to see anyone for at least 2 weeks. In the meantime I'm stuck feeling like this, trying to deal with it all on my own in-between appointments. The hospital is not an option for me. The wait times in my city are over 12 hours right now for mental health issues, and admitting me would put even more financial stress on me than I already have right now.
I've been honest with my "team" about my suicidal thoughts and intentions. I don't lie to them about it, I may try to hide it or avoid answering specifics, but I won't lie to them. I had several check in calls with the new social worker this week, one while I was still in the police station. I saw her Thursday in person, she asked about suicide plans and I told her I had one but I didn't want to disclose what it was. It sent up red flags for her and she said that put her in a rough spot. We ended up getting off the topic to booking appointments and getting me in to see someone asap about medication to help with the crisis. Between the social worker and the nurse practitioner they got ahold of my psych doctors office and the secretary was supposed to call me that day to book an appointment but they never did (surprise, surprise). It wasn't a shock because I've been trying to contact them since my attempt at the end of February.
I ended up starting my medication again yesterday but it will take over a month before I notice a difference. In the meantime I have had another referral put in to a new urgent psych doctor. I went home Thursday and overdosed on Tylenol, stupid, I know... I didn't really care then (or now), I knew it wouldn't kill me but it was the action I guess. I ended up sleeping the rest of the day, and about 6 hours after taking the medication I was puking. Then yesterday I had an appointment with my original social worker, she also voiced concerns over my current state. The nurse practitioner clinic called me yesterday and asked if I would be willing to talk to a crisis team to see if they could speed up my psych referral process so that I wasn't waiting 2 weeks to see someone. I agreed, but when the crisis team called me to confirm I was ok with this they told me that they couldn't speed up the process I told them I wouldn't talk them because there wasn't any point.
I ended up telling them over the phone that I had overdosed on Tylenol on Thursday and then they were trying to convince me to meet face to face with them to talk. I refused, they can't really do anything because no one has my new address yet. I have does this for two reasons, one for the obvious reason to ensure my safety from my abuser, but the second reason is because if I do want to commit suicide and succeed then I don't want anyone to know where to find me. I have expressed on here in my trauma diary what my more specific suicide plans are - I put them there because they are a little graphic and I don't want it in people's face if they can't handle that.
I am low, I haven't felt this way ever, at least not that I can remember. There is just something about having the police call you a liar (even in mental illness) and having them tell you that you've inflicted all these injuries upon yourself (even the ones from December, which they recovered DNA from btw). It's not like I haven't tried to help myself so that I don't get this bad. I actively tried to get in to see my psych doctor since I was discharged from the hospital from my suicide attempt. I've been calling for 6 weeks with no answer (3 times a week), I also walked into the hospital several times to try and speak directly to the secretary to book an appointment to no avail. I've been trying to prevent this since I was released, but I can only do so much. Even after other medical professionals got involved in contacting this psych doctor there has still been no contact with me to book an appointment.
Going to the ER for help with meds won't do anything because they can't prescribe the type of medication the social worker thinks will help. She wants to try and get me some PRNs (ones that dissolve under your tongue and are fast acting) to try and get me out of crisis mode until my regular medication kicks in. The only one who can prescribe the PRNs are the psych doctors, and I can't get in to see anyone for at least 2 weeks. In the meantime I'm stuck feeling like this, trying to deal with it all on my own in-between appointments. The hospital is not an option for me. The wait times in my city are over 12 hours right now for mental health issues, and admitting me would put even more financial stress on me than I already have right now.
