Think i'm going to die soon

[Deleted member 44517]

I'm sorry for all that you went through. MCs are never easy and yours sounds especially difficult.
Something you posted raised a flag for me. You said you were given misoprostal to induce labor. From my own experience, and my own research, I know that that drug could cause many of your symptoms. Because severe side effects with cytotec (misoprostal) are considered rare, most doctors don't hesitate to use it. In fact, many are completely unaware of what that drug can do. It is very cheap and generally efficient but there are the those patients (like me) for whom it is hellish, crazy making and nearly fatal.
I know what I speak of. This is not my anecdotal opinion. This is researched fact and you may want to look into the side effects of misoprostal. I would like to post a link here to drugs.com resource that lists the rare side effects that are difficult to find on the web.
My heart goes out to you @The_Berry. I understand that your pain and fears are real. Regardless of where they came from, I hope you know that you can make it through this tunnel to the other side.

 

[The_Berry]

Thank you. In fact, I was given misoprostol 3 times. Twice to try to get the tissue out, and once before the MVA procedure. But the general anaesthetic episode came about a week after I took the miso, so I don't think it's that.

Anyway. Off to the doctor today. I think I'm being referred back to the consultant gynecologist.

 

[The_Berry]

I saw my doctor who did a pelvic exam and confirmed that I have a tender uterus. She doesn't know why, and is going to speak to a gynecologist and call me next week with a way forward.

She doesn't think it's anything serious and I don't expect any tests will be suggested. She wants me to try the antidepressants again as she thinks my mental state is making me blow my symptoms out of proportion.

I should say that the pain I am experiencing is not severe, and fingers crossed won't become so. I've only taken a painkiller for it once. Sometimes it doesn't hurt at all but feels like someone is holding my uterus and just tugging at it gently.

However, I just know something is wrong in there. I know nobody believes it's something dangerous, but I'm quite sure. I suspect either some sort of malignancy, or retained products of conception. The fact that it was such a difficult process getting the pregnancy tissue out (misoprostol twice, and an MVA, didn't even get it all) and that it then took six weeks for my HCG to drop from 18 to 2 just says to me that there's something still in there. Maybe too small to be seen on ultrasounds, or maybe embedded in the womb lining, or maybe hidden in the cervical canal. The fact that I have increasing pain backs that up. But the main thing is that I just know something is wrong. I didn't have this pain at the time of the premonition. It started about a month later and has got gradually worse since.

Is it possible that something has just gone wrong in my brain, making me believe something is wrong when it isn't, as my doctor thinks? I guess so. But I think we'll all see in due course that I was right all along. I don't know what to do though. I don't know whether to go for a hysteroscopy privately, as I'm quite sure it won't be recommended by my doctor. I just don't know.

Another thing is the weight loss. I was slim to begin with, about 10st, but I've lost 1.5st and my BMI is now 17.5.

Certainly my eating became worse with the stress. However, I've been making a concerted effort to eat around 2200 calories a day and still struggling to put the weight on. This doesn't make any sense. I used to be very into weight training and when I was cutting I would be exercising very hard almost every day and eating just 1600 calories a day... and I was never this light.

My doctor says that anxiety is a good calorie burner and could have caused this. She's checked my blog count, and for coeliac and thyroid function, which was clear. So, unless it's anxiety, which I doubt, there's another red flag.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

PLEASE, do not go into a panic. Get a second opinion and a third if that will give you peace of mind. It hurts nothing to try. Are you doing good self care right now?

 

[The_Berry]

PLEASE, do not go into a panic. Get a second opinion and a third if that will give you peace of mind. It h...

The funny thing is I don't even really feel panicked. My heart rate is low. Breathing is steady. I'm just lying here, knowing there is something wrong with me.

I'm not sure about self care. I've sort of become incapable of looking after myself, so my mother is preparing all my food etc. I don't go out or see anyone. I will be trying some CBT next year. Just waiting for an appointment.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I'm not sure about self care.

Do you ever think about what kinds of things you like or need? Did you have varied interests? Do you like to draw? Do you like to read, you know the kinds of things to distract your mind with? Those kind of things.

I am really happy to hear that you are calm right now. Do you have any hope for some good things in your life to happen for you?

 

[The_Berry]

Do you ever think about what kinds of things you like or need? Did you have varied interests? Do you like...

Unfortunately at the moment there is nothing I like or enjoy. I used to enjoy my life very much. I liked going to the gym, watching films, reading, gaming, seeing friends, going on day trips... but the most I can hope for these days is something to occupy my time. On a good day I am able to read or concentrate on a TV show. Otherwise, I'll just try to listen to an audio book and play something stupid like Candy Crush.

I would just love to have my life back. I think about how I was, and I can't quite believe what has happened to me. But I don't really have any hope for that. There is something physically wrong with me which I think will prevent me ever from recovering. If it was just mental issues then perhaps I could work through them and have a chance.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I used to enjoy my life very much.

I went through something similar and went through a period in my life where I was extremely depressed and I am not sure but have you considered that you are now in a depression due to your health concenns? I lost interests in everything in my life that I had so enjoyed to the point where I was getting rid of the things pertaining to my interests. I am very sorry now because I am now in a better place in my life and I am getting back the things I used to enjoy. I mean all of it. I have had to replace so much of the things I needed for my hobbies and interests so I feel a little silly for getting rid of so much now and I feel some regrets too.

I want to offer you some real hope. Go to the doctor and do not give up until you address and deal with your health concerns for now. Please know this that you will get your life back and so much more once you get healthy again. I understand that you believe that something is seriously wrong and I am not in a position to advise you on your health concerns, I am talking about the quality of your life right now while you go through the learning stage about what you are really facing. Do not give up convinced that your life is all over yet. I hope that you are able to understand what I am saying.:hug:

 

[joeylittle]

But I think we'll all see in due course that I was right all along. I don't know what to do though. I don't know whether to go for a hysteroscopy privately, as I'm quite sure it won't be recommended by my doctor. I just don't know.

I think if you are this convinced that something is there to be found, then yes - you need to go ahead and do this.

I would just love to have my life back. I think about how I was, and I can't quite believe what has happened to me. But I don't really have any hope for that. There is something physically wrong with me which I think will prevent me ever from recovering. If it was just mental issues then perhaps I could work through them and have a chance.

That belief, that you will never recover - that's actually a mental health issue. And mental health issues are physical. I understand why, given the extreme physical stuff you went through, that you'd be making the distinction between something physical and something 'all in your head'.

But it would be foolhardy to assume that those things that are 'all in the head' are, in fact, less difficult to treat or manage or reverse.

You are calling it a premonition. I would call it a belief. But if you are truly convinced that you are getting some level of medical information from the future, then I don't know that there's anything that will help you, short of having your belief disproven by a more thorough medical examination. I worry for you, because if that examination does turn up something, it will give you confirmation that you were right to believe this premonition, and you won't end up getting the mental health assistance that you appear to need (based on what you've written here).

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I worry for you, because if that examination does turn up something, it will give you confirmation that you were right to believe this premonition, and you won't end up getting the mental health assistance that you appear to need (based on what you've written here).

I agree too.

 

[The_Berry]

Thank you for your kind replies.

Yes, I am quite sure that my depression / mental state is due to my health concerns! There is something in my uterus or cervix that shouldn't be there. I don't know what it is. My body is trying to get rid of it, but can't. Maybe I am developing an infection too. I don't know. I do know that the doctors and consultants I have seen think there's nothing wrong.

The premonition is different from a belief. Like, if you saw some blue flowers. You wouldn't 'believe' they were blue, or 'think' they were blue, or 'feel' they were blue... you'd KNOW they were blue. It was like that. I already have had enough things happen to back up the premonition. I knew I couldn't escape the pregnancy related general anaesthetic, that the pregnancy would never let me go, and it hasn't. First all the trouble getting the tissue out. Then the weirdly slow HCG drop. Now the uterine tenderness. It's one thing after another, all relating to the pregnancy, and all after the premonition.

So, yes, I'm quite sure that if the relevant tests were done then something would show up. So far the only tests I've had done are ultrasounds. They wouldn't show anything in the cervix, and wouldn't show any masses below a certain size. Indeed, they missed a 2x3cm piece of retained tissue after the MVA - to have retained tissue in the first place after an MVA is unusual, but for the ultrasound to miss it is even weirder. The number of unlikely things that have happened in the course of the miscarriage are too numerous to be coincidence, particularly in light of the premonition.

I'll have to wait until my doctor phones next week anyway and see what she suggests.

 

[James McGregor]

I'm struggling so much. I don't even know if I believe I have PTSD or if I'm right and I really am go...

I know how it is, for the last few years I've been convinced I'm on my way out. I've struggled with anxiety and depression all my life, the last few years it's been especially bad, trauma too plays a big part in told. For me it's a constant lump in the throat feeling that despite being told is fine, feels like it's going to be the end of me. No reassurance helps at all. Therapy helps a little while I'm in it, but staying in therapy in the UK is really impossible. All I can say is try therapy if you haven't, but I have no magic answer for you I'm afraid, I'm looking for one myself