Think i'm going to die soon

[The_Berry]

I'm struggling so much. I don't even know if I believe I have PTSD or if I'm right and I really am going to die.

Before, I was happy, successful, popular. I miss the person I was so much. I'd always had some anxiety and OCD, and disturbing thoughts about death from a very young age (about 4), but it didn't significantly interfere with my life.

My 'trauma' came to a head in August. I'm very confused about it, and everything leading up to it. From others' perspective my life was never at risk. But I knew I was going to die. I knew and I thought I couldn't escape it. It has affected me so profoundly that nearly every minute of every day since has been what I can only describe as a nightmare. Or just a bad dream, in better times.

Of course I can't work now. I can't see anybody. I can barely eat and have lost a lot of weight, and I was slim to begin with. I've had to move in with my mother. There is never a moment of pleasure or relief or relaxation.

I didn't die in the way I thought I would. Not yet, anyway. I thought it would be under general anaesthetic. But I managed to avoid that operation and had it under local instead. But things keep seeming to go wrong. How can I escape it? How can anybody forget a feeling like that? My doctors say I am quite well physically and all that is wrong is my mental state. But I have increasing pain behind my pubic bone and in my uterus and I think maybe this is it now. It's coming for me after all.

I don't know what it is. Cervical or uterine, I expect. But maybe it's my bladder. My mother is going to arrange a hysteroscopy. I don't want it because I'm scared of what they'll find. But what else can I do.

I can feel my death coming. There are moments in the last four months that I relive over and over. And it's still just going on. I can see no future for me. No partner, no children, no life at all. Just my death coming. I have survived four months longer than I thought. But there's only so long I can outrun this thing. I worked so hard to escape it. But I don't think I can.

I love my mother so much. I am her only child. I don't want to leave her. And I'm afraid to die.

 

[DharmaGirl]

This sounds like extreme anxiety! Do you have a therapist? I used to worry about everything in my body going wrong, but only a few things are wrong and I'm almost 60. I went to a therapist and told him about all my body fears, and eventually I was able to let go of them.

 

[The_Berry]

I would like to think it is anxiety and not real. But I have no physical symptoms of anxiety. No tightness in my chest, no headaches, no racing heart. In fact, my heart rate has been very low. About 66. Much lower than it was before this happened, and I was always very fit and healthy. It's like my body is shutting down now.

I've seen a few therapists but nobody has helped me yet. I'm seeing another one tomorrow. I've had to explain what happened to me over and over to so many people now and I'm so tired.

 

[simplysawa]

I'm struggling so much. I don't even know if I believe I have PTSD or if I'm right and I really am go...

I understand how your feeling, i often come around to those thoughts of seeing no future or oppurtunity to have those things you mentioned. Seems like those thoughts of death come naturally when you see no way to attain the things you want. Certain bugs or incects will die if left in a container too lovlng without some dirt or food maybe a plant, these things that make us feel free in the world, dont close your self off with no other signs of life, thank you for sharing, plenty times i feel things that i just cant express but i find the words through other people. I think if you dont want to die, you will still be around, i know its lonely and heavy sometimes but try to be happy and proud you are still going

 

[The_Berry]

Thank you. I appreciate the replies. It just happened in one instant. I was dealing with several pretty heavy things, and had been for some time, but I was ok. I was coping. And then a doctor just said one thing to me. She said I would need the operation under general anaesthetic. And in that single moment I knew I was going to die. My world just fell away. And I've not recovered.

In that moment it's as if I walked into a box. The box is painted like the real world, the beautiful, good world that I knew, but it's not the real world. It is a dark imitation that tricks and torments you. There are moments when I can peek out through the box and catch a glimpse of the world I used to live in. But I can't get there. I'm stuck in the box. I'll never get out.

I'm surprised I've survived this long. I cheated death by avoiding the general anaesthetic. But I can't keep running. When I have the hysteroscopy, something will be found.

I don't understand how this can be PTSD. I had a troubled childhood, but then I was ok. For the last two years I've been dealing with some very difficult problems, which have been getting steadily worse, and I certainly suffered more than one trauma. But I was still ok. Why would it only hit me when a doctor suddenly says one innocuous thing. Why would that trigger everything. My therapists have wanted to discuss everything leading up to it, and my childhood, but I don't even think about those things. All I think about is the general anaesthetic and the nightmare that my life has been since that day. To me, this seems more like a real premonition than PTSD.

 

[simplysawa]

You made a very interesting point . You said premonition, i have had a few premonition or precognitive dreams, knowing things ahead of time can be very distressing, im not sure if its signs or visions from god or something else. They say its not a premotion untill it comes true

Opse pressed pot by accident, sorry i lost my point too at first, but i guess im trying to say triggers are funny, it really can be anything that could remind you of something

 

[digger]

I don't even know if I believe I have PTSD

I don't understand how this can be PTSD

Can you clarify, Has someone diagnosed you with PTSD or is it something you are questioning as a possibility? If you are diagnosed, is it as a result of this, or are they attributing it to earlier trauma?

 

[Deleted member 44517]

You keep speaking of heavy things and traumas. Is it possible that you are minimizing your traumas?

Have you ever been diagnosed with anything? Have you ever been on medications?

@The_Berry
You have anxiety. Possibly depression. You have the symptom of a foreshortened future. Impending doom. Your anxiety is severe enough to have disrupted your life completely. Is it PTSD? Maybe. Its possible for symptoms to hit years later.

I think you are on the cusp of delusion. What have the doctors and therapists said?

 

[The_Berry]

I've been told variously that I have anxiety, depression, OCD and PTSD. None seem to fit to me.

I also went to an early intervention clinic but they said I was not psychotic. So this is not a delusion.

Believe me, I would love to think that I was delusional and that these things I think are not real. I've tried telling myself it's just anxiety or trauma. But something deep down tells me it is not.

I'm not denying I'm traumatised or anxious or depressed. But the reason I'm that way is that I saw my death. The mental problems came after that, not before.

 

[Deleted member 44517]

@The_Berry

I'm not saying you are currently delusional.
What about our other questions. What meds have you tried?
Anxiety certainly fits you. You may not see it but it does. It has disrupted your life so badly that you can't work and you have moved in with your mom. OCD and PTSD fit under the umbrella of anxiety disorders as well. You seem to be obsessing over this one thought/image. I don't blame you. It's disturbing. Regardless of what triggered it and all your anxiety, you need help. The first step to that, I believe, would be to recognize that you do have a mental problem. I believe that premonitions happen. However, what are you supposed to do about it? Live in fear? Never accept testing or treatment for medical issues? Deny mental diagnoses? Refuse the idea that you may be obsessive? What could it hurt?

I don't doubt the hell you are going through. Maybe you need to try a different approach to understanding your premonition.

 

[Deleted member 44517]

Its also possible that the mental image that caused your distress, is just a symptom of an anxiety/trauma disorder.
When my family flew across the country over thanksgiving, I got this horrible mental image of the plane exploding and my children being burned and flung to the earth. It was horrible. It was vivid. I felt like it was a premonition. I know though, that it is a symptom of ptsd.

Just food for thought.

 

[The_Berry]

@The_Berry

I'm not saying you are currently delusional.
What about our other questio...

Sorry, I have tried citalopram. But it made everything worse and I couldn't eat at all. So I stopped. I don't take anything now. Just diazepam occasionally before a medical appointment, though it doesn't always calm me.

My doctors do not believe I need any more tests. They think I am a hypochondriac. But my pelvic symptoms are getting worse and worse so although I've been trying to ignore them I think I have no choice now but to go for a hysteroscopy. My doctor may not even refer me, thinking it's unnecessary. If that's the case, I shall have to go privately.

I am lucky to have my wonderful mother to help and look after me at least. Without her, I don't know where I would be.

Thank you for replying to me.