Avoidance

[ams]

I've been avoiding thinking about.... everything. The PTSD, the rapes, the people, everything. In fact, I get visibly upset if I'm reminded of it. I ended therapy in March/April and haven't picked it up since, and have been avoiding everything since. I figured I should be moving on by now and maybe therapy would be more of a weekly reminder that I was raped, than weekly therapy. So, without the weekly reminder, I haven't been thinking much of things. I still get nightmares and night terrors, and still get flashbacks and dissociate. Some days are worse than others.

Recently I've been talking about sexual stuff with someone I'm seeing and because audio is a trigger, I eventually get a flashback just from talking about something, and will totally shut down. I had to get off the phone the other day because I needed to just stop everything.

Tonight, I went through the DSM-IV-TR criteria for PTSD and just looked over to see what I'm still dealing with. Surprise surprise, I've got every single one. The only thing I didn't relate to was "restricted range of affect (e.g. unable to have loving feelings)" because I wasn't sure if I was experiencing it or not.

I kept dissociating while trying to go through the criteria, too. I also read through some papers on sexual assault and dealing with intimacy, bla bla bla, and had a hard time reading through it. I highlighted a bunch that was something I'm working on, but I hate dealing with this. I hate the idea of having sex because I MIGHT have to stop in the middle of it, or in the beginning. I don't want to put that on my partner I feel like a burden.

So.... my response is just to put all this aside and avoid it again. How do I stop avoiding? How do I know if I'm dwelling on it or dealing with it?

 

[Jagged Angel]

The best idea would be to get back into therapy. Unfortunately, for most people, when you're in therapy, things get worse before they get better. You need to ride that out and work through that to get to the part where you're starting to actually feel better about the world. I can't tell you how long that period will take, because it's diferent for everyone.

Avoiding your ptsd will only get you so far. I avoided mine for almost 20 years, and then suffered a major breakdown. I look back now, and wish I had done something about it years ago. Even though it would have been hard, it would not have been as hard as what I went through during and after the breakdown. Quite simply, the earlier you get to therapy, the better.

As for your partner... have you told them what happened, and why you might not want sex right now? I know it's difficult to tell anyone about what happened to you, but communication in a relationship is essential.

 

[kers]

The way to stop avoiding is to stop avoiding! But I think the key is to move slowly and in small bits. We shift to defenses to avoid things very quickly and subtly, so much that we often aren't aware that we are doing it. My therapist had me notice when I was avoiding (dissociating, changing the topic, going silent, whatever). Over and over, just noticing that I was doing it, practicing being mindful. The act of noticing made it easier for me to come back to where I was, to return my attention to the thing I had wanted to avoid. Meanwhile, I was also challenging myself to do things that I would normally avoid (a conversation with someone who triggered me, or an exposure to a fear, etc.).

 

[anni]

It's a tough call in my opinion. Too hard a push could get one exactly nowhere. We're rewired and will just dissasociate and shut down if things are too intense no matter how hard one tries to get through it. .Kers is exactly correct in not allowing the avoidance on any one thing to get out of control, though. It gets worse and sort of grows tentacles which creep into other areas of life.There's a balance which a good T will help one find, and you'll be able to intuit through the work. I'm Queen of all avoidance- allowed it to grow into unmanagable depths through decades of neglect. My T has me working on it now and it basically sucks because it's SO comprehensive, ingrained and the thought of facing any single one of the habitually avoided aspects terrifying. Flatly.

You sound as if your awareness of your situation is solid, and you pretty much know what needs to be done. Do please go easy on yourself. Sometimes I do think that disassociation is some sort of protective mechanism one's head resorts to when things are just TOO MUCH, and perhaps a signal that one is possible pushed too far sometimes. Checking out of the stressful thoughts and back to little, moment to moment awarenesses helps an awful lot. I disassociate when driving for some reason, and tend to take note of a peculiar blue car, or some silly looking dog, and how many people are in the next car. Certainly address the avoidance, but do also be careful how hard you push yourself, I think. It's a tough balance, I know.

 

[Tinyflame]

I have learned that for myself, to push out of my comfort zone for avoidance over ptsd-related triggers is one thing, and I try as anni and kers said, to be aware of it and 'push myself' (unless I am in a really bad place, wherein I find that isn't wise at all. That's harder to regognize).

However, I have also learned, it seems to do me no good whatsoever to just be anywhere or with anyone wherein I leave just simply feeling worse. That I find wise to avoid, if nothing else but for self-survival's sake.

 

[ams]

I know dissociating is a defense mechanism. Lately I've been feeling like when I dissociate, I sort of hit pause and I zone a bit. When I zone, though, it's like I've already taken in the stimuli (the reason why I dissociated) and now I'm sort of plateauing and letting it sink in before I respond to it with an action or whatever. Does that make sense?

I just feel sometimes like maybe I should stay single and celibate, because I'm at a point where I can't move forward with getting comfortable with touch again until I'm actually trying to have sex, so I can ease back into it. And unless I'm in a solid relationship/married, that's not going to happen. I can't bring myself to even try to have sex until then and I don't want to burden the guy with all this crap either. With masturbating, I had to ease myself into it again. The body memories/flashbacks lessen over time with the exposure, and it's the same with sex. I'm not having sex, so whenever I DO have sex, I'll have to deal with easing into it. I wish I could just deal with it now without having sex and then be fine by the time I DO have sex.

I feel like I'm responsible for my guy feeling crappy because of all of this. Like, he wouldn't be dealing with feeling like he's triggering my flashbacks/dissociation if he was with some other girl. I know he loves me and is okay with dealing with this, but I'm the whole reason why he's dealing with this stuff and that makes me feel like crap.

I don't like even thinking about any of this stuff and I've been avoiding tv shows or movies or anything that has rape content in it because I don't want to get triggered. Part of the reason for the avoidance is that I don't think I can talk to my friends about it anymore without them thinking I'm dwelling. They all think I should be over this by now. It's been 4 years since the first rape and 2 years since being assaulted/*almost* raped by the second guy, and it's almost 2 years since the second rape.

I'm just so sick of this. I don't even know if I should do more rape counseling or if I should do ptsd therapy. I feel like I'm in the outward adjustment stage of rape trauma syndrome. and I've been there a while. This is so stupid.

 

[anni]

OH it's so hard, isn't it? I persoanlly ( so rather selfishly, of course) clicked on your thread because it said 'avoidance'. It's my bug-bear of a symptom, and even avoid talking about it so gritted teeth, accepted the stupid adrenaline, got sick to my stomach and plowed in. :) Exposure!

I am sure there's not an awful lot of anything terribly helpful I can say except that Junebug underlined a wonderful point! It does seem to be just plain self-preservation to avoid certain things, there can't be any two ways about that, I don't think. No matter what anyone told me, I'll never in my life go back to THAT HOUSE, for instance, and to include it in some excersize of exposure therapy to me seems pointless. Too many other things to overcome and I just don't think I'd emotionally ever survive an attempt. I'll never go make peace at his grave, either. I don't have to, and it's also pointless to me. The things which do interfere with functioning, and normal, healthy living-well- they are on a list in my T's office and he'll be bringing them up one by one, to be sure!

Gosh I do hear you with 'this is stupid'. Frustrating, isn't it? You sound terribly self-aware and not at all given to fooling yourself on any point ( my greatest gift in the past!) . Maybe as a sort of growth process, to get through the limbo you're feeling, you could begin PTSD therapy while continuing but winding up rape therapy, letting both T's know the transition. A big pain with time of course but maybe would make the leap smoother for you? Not at all trying to be 'preachy'-just seems you're working awfully hard and maybe this would take some anxiousness away.

 

[ams]

Thanks for all your inputs.


anni, I'm not in any therapy at the moment. On one hand I think ptsd therapy would be good, but I've sort of learned to deal with it already. When I get startled, I know how to calm myself down effectively. And when I get nightmares, I get up and walk around, etc. I try to just deal with it and things get better when I'm not dwelling on the symptoms (avoiding). But I guess the main problems are: avoiding it (what I like to think of as "not dwelling on it" lol). So there's the fact that I'm not sure where the line is between NOT dwelling vs. AVOIDING. I'm not sure whats what. The fact that I get visibly upset when talking about rape stuff or seeing it on tv, etc. tells me I'm avoiding and not processing it at all. Another issue is that I'm paranoid about getting into a relationship because I don't want to deal with all the crap that would happen as a result of my having ptsd (the sexual issues). That part makes me think I might need the rape therapy? or would that fall under ptsd? and I don't want to open up the door again when I've been out of therapy for 4-5 months.....

 

[kers]

It sounds like you have learned to manage many of the symptoms of the PTSD but are struggling to resolve the traumas themselves. Wherever you get your treatment, whether it is rape counseling or trauma therapy, it will likely focus on helping you process the terrible things that happened.

Although your symptoms may be managed now, without resolving the traumas, something will eventually overwhelm your ability to avoid or manage things, making the symptoms go out of control. The only way to really solve the problem is to work through the trauma, in my opinion.

 

[anni]

There's something that always stuck with me from Psych 101- which at 52 tells you how long ago that was! It was enlightening and gave me pause as to a resolve to pursue a psyche career. Success rates on Skinnierian approach in therapy was 38 percent, Humanisitc was 78, and the kicker was the 78 percent who could not afford a T and sought healing via perhaps a good support system and friends. I'm NOT saying something as neurologically significant as PTSD can be overcome via a good buddy, but I think there is alot to be said for the healing provided by the validation and support of others and also 'dealing' where one can, if possible and to some extent.There's of course nothing in comparison to therapy but in this world of insurances and lack thereof sometimes one does what one can.

I'm not sure it WOULD be a form of true avoidance to not wish to view portrayals of rape and violent crime on tv or in movies. I did not care for such things pre-trauma and do not now consider them any part of some exposure thing to try and make myself comfortable introducing them into my living room. :) I'm not a professional but have had therapy and in working through such issues no T has ever suggested that would be 'good' for me. Even after the traumas you've suffered have been addressed I don't see where it would be indicative of a broken, damaged person to have these images hurt like heck. I'd also have to think it's as normal as one could be for what you've been through to not wish a relationship at the moment. I don't hear you saying across the board 'never evers', or 'I'm too damaged and depressed who would want me', just 'not until I'm healed', basically. Seems healthy enough given the events, good grief!

I do know what you mean about that line, however. Where on earth and what on earth is it? There really are a tragically numerous amounts of survivors here. Sometimes tooling around the old threads is helpful for insights on something specific when looking for something terribly elusive. I always hate to think of all the violence and trauma involved in all those pages, but boy, it's something at least to see alllll the survivors. It's something.

 

[ams]

So... just remembered another thing I've been avoiding. Self defense classes. Because a) I think it'll trigger flashbacks and b) It'll be too real. Even if its a fake scenario, putting myself in a situation where I have to fight back FREAKS me out. Even thinking about it is making me panic. My friend's brother is offering to teach me some things but I'm getting so much anxiety even thinking about it. I've THOUGHT about doing self defense for years and haven't done it, probably for the same reason. Learning how to shoot a gun doesn't require physical contact with anyone else. Self defense does. But, i think what I need is to drill myself (like an earthquake drill) so that if the guy breaks in again, I won't hesitate or freeze up. I need to make defending myself second nature. It needs to be natural so I don't have to question things or freeze up. I want to get over this but I don't think I can until I throw myself in that situation, and I don't want to be in that situation. Ughh!! What do I do?