Avoiding eating

[Mach123]

I'm muscular and thin but often accused of being too thin. Last time I was on painkillers I was being accused of being anorexic all the time. I was often asked if men could be anorexic. I felt like I had all power because I didn't have to eat (except pillz). I love being thin everyone is so overweight and when I hear Pirelli me I'm too thin I think misery loves company and you want me to be 40lbs overweight like you because that's normal. But it's not. My face is thin so any less weight than I'm carrying now and I do quickly begin to appear "gaunt." I don't care I've been 'too big for my britches and I'll be famines if I'll go up to a 36 or 38. I was pushing that a few years ago and I hated it. If I gain weight I want it to be muscle. Your body fat % should be very low. It looks nice and you'll feel well. The therapist says I'm a little thin but so is she. My food allergies sensitivities are awful and I feel much better if I eat less. I was never able to eat for 'comfort.' It usually causes me 'discomfort.' I'm sure my eating is disordered. Good.

 

[Rose White]

@Mach123 thank you for your response. A part of me understands that point of view—I wrote it out in a previous response—I didn’t realize it was a self-sabotage voice until this thread. Until @Abstract pointed it out with their questions I never considered that the self-sabotage is a different point of view from the inner critic.

Inner critic, for me, says it doesn’t matter, I’ll lose anyway no matter what—that voice seems nihilistic. Self-sabotage says do it, go farther than before, look how easy it is to be thin.

There is a part of me that doesn’t want to be thin, that actually wants body fat—that tells me nice people have some fat on them—I want to be a comforting person. But that person feels like far off, like a possibility, not yet here, not yet available.

@Mach123 I’m concerned about your response—I’m concerned for you—I cannot detect any compassion, for yourself or others—at the same time I am grateful for you sharing your experience—it does resonate with me—I understand the feeling that people might be jealous of me for being thin—I do get comments, off the cuff, things like, “If I looked like you...” or “You can wear anything...”. Also, like you I don’t understand people thinking that being very overweight is okay—it seems like a different form of self-sabotage, but that’s also influenced a lot by cultural bias.

I do not identify with your statement that disorganized or disordered eating is good. But I appreciate your honesty—it is the only way to break through whatever is holding us back on our own journeys. You have a certainty in your perspective which is admirable and something I hope to obtain eventually in my own life.

 

[Rose White]

Not eating feels peaceful. But it’s a fake peace, it’s an illusion of peace, it’s unsustainable peace.

Not eating feels soothing. Not eating feels clarifying.

But those are all unsustainable if they come through not eating.

I had my coffee. With milk and honey. So there’s something.

I will get to the bottom of this.

 

[Rose White]

Yay I’m eating! I’m proud of myself! I’m eating tortilla chips and they taste so good! I’m making sure to chew thoroughly. I love me for eating! I love everyone who encouraged me and believed in me.

The eating is still disorganized. There’s a whole pile of emotions to address. I am aware of the need to schedule my eating. I believe I can develop the wherewithal to follow a schedule for my own good. I believe I have the intelligence to figure out how to do what’s best for me. I believe I am brave enough to say what I need to say—sometimes. I believe I have grown a lot and that I can continue to grow.

 

[Mach123]

@Mach123 thank you for your response. A part of me understands that point of...

I am older. Depending, I could be a lot older. There are many things I've seen from both sides. I think it's sweet you are concerned and I understand I say things in a hard manner and your right, in that voice, I have "very little compassion for myself or others. I have witnessed firsthand the devastation an eating disorder can bring, and how much worse the denial can be because after all, it's not drugs or alcohol, right? No, it's not. But it is though, isn't it? My old therapist, who worked extensively with bulimia and anorexia told me eating disorders were caused about 95% of the time by sexual abuse. I have cPTSD from CSA. My eldest daughter is suffering from a tremendous eating disorder as did her grandmother. (Her grandmother actually killed herself with food more or less, most of the illnesses were brought on by obesity. It was dreadful. I wish I didn't know most of this stuff, its awful.

 

[Rose White]

@Mach123 thank you for sharing that—my heart goes out to you. It’s so hard, it just is. It makes sense that most eating disorders are caused by sexual abuse—another silence, another avoidance by society. I am in it, you are in it—we are essentially united—I wish I could squeeze your hand and tell you it’s going to be okay—but I am afraid of giving you false hope—I have no idea what the future holds—maybe it’s enough just to say “I’m with you in this moment.”

 

[Abstract]

Hi @Searching4Self
Well done! Excellent work. :) Hope you can discuss with your t. I read it all.

Not all this will be relevant and maybe none but shall share in case some does. I have realised a few things over the years. One is quite complex and I realised definitely was an issue for me. Eating is one of the basic human functions. We need to do it to live. Eating also means we have to acknowledge we have a body and it has needs. Just like we have emotional needs. For me part of denying myself food and drink was also about denying myself emotional comfort and a body. Even human connection. I didn't want to need. Need = vulnerable. I didn't want to acknowledge a human body. I tried to disconnect from mine and ignore it was there, I even imagined I was invisible. I would sometimes dissociate and feel the cells in my body disconnect from each other. That I was transparent. Talking and eating and sleeping and having emotional contact with others was all connected. And just about everything I have ever struggled with involves paradoxical opposite thoughts and actions. I don't think its unusual for people with disordered eating to have simultaneous opposite feelings about weight and what that means to them. I had some really scrambled conflicted thoughts and feelings about this stuff.

Pretending you are not a human being and can do without food can feel powerful. These things are all distortions of course as in fact not eating is what makes one vulnerable.

I also totally agree with Joeylittle about linking food to self care. Works for some of course and further down the line can be good. I too however would have been in very big trouble if I went down that road. Or the intuitive eating road. Food had to be medicine. It had nothing to do with anything and was not a choice. It also had to be preplanned and scheduled otherwise it wouldn't happen. No ifs buts or maybes. I totally agree with the reminder to you that although it can feel comforting there is a quick mental downhill slide involved that can be hard to get out of. Lack of food = lack of healthy thought. Reasoning and all sorts decreases. You really don't want that. Intuitive eating? Yikes. Firstly had to identify hunger. A minefield. Then had to tune into what I wanted. Yikes again. Then give it to myself. Further minefield. I would get way worse. It can be helpful for some of course.

Not saying you have "an eating disorder" or not but did want to say that I think most eating disorders are fundamentally more a means of unhealthy coping rather than anything else. Emotions. Along with other stuff like self punishment.

Here are some further questions for you if you want them:
What are the signs of the different levels of hunger, 1 to 5.
What indication do you look for that means you will eat
If you were a higher weight what would your life and relationship with others look like
What would your relationship with your husband look like.

Huge well done for eating. Remember supplement drinks like ensure. Just don't use them as a way to avoid food.

 

[Rose White]

Here are some further questions for you if you want them:
What are the signs of the different levels of hunger, 1 to 5.
What indication do you look for that means you will eat
If you were a higher weight what would your life and relationship with others look like
What would your relationship with your husband look like.

@Abstract I am hugely grateful for your response. Your honesty and straight-forwardness are deeply appreciated. It has taken me 24 hours to drink in your words, allow them to settle through me, and develop a response.

First off, the part about cells separating, about denying your body, hit me real hard—resonated as a deep truth—allowed me to consider an alternative to such a condition.

Now the questions...

What are the signs of the different stages of hunger 1-5? This question activated a sense of flight and resistance. Off the cuff answer? I never thought about it before. I adore level 5–it feels like an accomplishment. It’s happening again today. Because I ate yesterday. So today don’t need to eat. I like how you said something like, “You think that not eating makes you strong, but it actually makes you vulnerable.” I believe you. I do, because I know that this is a trend for me—to elevate my vulnerabilities as strengths. I’m going to have to come back to this question because I’m sensing way too much resistance—a part of me is mocking the question—I must return to it when I can take it seriously.

What indication do you look for that means you will eat? Also some part of me laughing at this question. Ignoring that part. Right now, in this state, I wait for the tremors. Something interesting to me is how when I was a child the tremors would present after about four hours of not eating. About three years ago was the first time I waited until afternoon to eat and I ended up going to the hospital to get my appendix out. At the beginning of recovery, about nine months ago, I stopped eating and when I started again after about 24 hours I experienced excruciating pain and told myself this was a reminder of the importance of eating. Now I can go 48 hours before I start shaking and when I eat again it doesn’t hurt. I’m experiencing less pain. A small part of me is scared by that and a part of me (self-sabotage) feels stronger by it.

If you were a higher weight what would your life and relationships with others look like? Better. Perfect. Balanced. Healthy.

If you were a higher weight what would your relationship with your husband look like? I have no idea. I don’t like to think about a future relationship with my husband. I don’t think he minds what my body fat is, but I don’t know how to, or want to, connect with him. Sometimes I want to, I actually do sometimes, but I usually stop myself because I’m pretty sure he can’t hold space for me—he might develop the ability, but I haven’t seen evidence of it yet.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I have struggled with eating and when in a hospital it was labeled as "unspecified eating disorder" because it doesn't really fit into any one category such as anorexia or bulimia. I struggle the most with remembering to eat. I just go about my day and never remember to stop and eat until dinnertime when I will eat with my family, though sometimes smaller portions than I should have. My husband now leaves out a bowl for cereal, a cup for juice, and a banana as a reminder for me to eat in the morning. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. However, I have recently started eating little bits throughout the day and my T is celebrating that as progress. I sometimes purge, but I haven't done that in at least over a month so that's seemingly better. I liked reading that you were celebrating eating tortilla chips- that's a good way to get yourself back on track- celebrate the times you do eat.

 

[Rose White]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve thank you for the encouragment and for sharing your story. Also, that is very touching about the steps your husband goes to to support you in your desire to improve your eating habits.

It is good for me to celebrate, yes.

I ate again today—finally—yay—broccoli and cheese. I also took a step toward learning to live with a schedule—wrote down what time I got up and when I drank my coffee.

I realized that I want to check in with myself here—I want to see my own progress—I want to observe myself get better. I deserve follow through, I deserve reassurance, I deserve small celebrations.

 

[Changing4Best]

Yes, I have this problem. One thing in my favor is that certain of my meds cause stomach burn if I do not eat with them, so I eat at most mealtimes, because those are the times I take meds. Sometimes I have to force myself to eat. Other times I can eat without a problem. Sometimes I overeat too, so I understand that as well. It is all emotions based, really, as to whether I feel like eating or not. It I am mildly upset, I overeat. If I am majorly upset, I undereat or don't eat at all. It has been that way for years.

 

[Missing Mermaid]

Yes. Some days I just can’t eat. If I try I choke. I know it isn’t anything physically wrong with me bc sometimes I eat fine. I just don’t when I am anxious or had a really bad night filled with nightmares or a lot of flashbacks. I don’t care what I look like...I am gross no matter what I weigh. So I don’t think it is an eating disorder. Punishment maybe...I get so mad at myself when I can do normal adult things like eat, sleep or function. Stuck in fight or flight? yes. So in this state the caveman isn’t going to stop and eat if there is a tiger chasing them