SeaLionMan1982
Bronze Member
Does anyone avoid going to work sometimes because they didn't sleep for whatever reason and part of that reason is their high anxiety about driving to and from work and doing the job in general?
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Avoiding going to work
- Post starter SeaLionMan1982
- Start date
Friday
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Intend to take jobs where that feature is built-in.
Ok so I am not sure how to hide text for trigger warnings and such but I did the autism hyperanalysis overexplain thing that is my autism superpower. As Monk says in the show, “It is a gift… and a curse.” 
there is a lot of detail so if domestic/ sexual harassment details are triggers then probably stop here.
I am afraid of falling asleep while driving sometimes. Along with the CPTSD I am AuDHD. I have spiraled down so hard. My spiral is like a whirlpool ie funnelshaped and I am just stuck right at the tip right now barely hanging on.
I have requested reasonable accommodation at work of full-time telework but they keep telling me they can’t or i don’t qualify and whatnot. Right now I am on a really f*cked up partial telework arrangement…. 3 days of telework and two days supposedly in office….
For context… I am a federal employee- IRS specifically (most people at my level, we are here to help and do our best because we are taxpayers too… mistakes occur due to stress, poor training, toxic work culture, lack of funding for proper equipment and salary (we ran out of paper at one point last year. Like. Paper. To go in printers. We didn’t have enough. It was insane) and the damaged training and management habits that has created.)… and you would think that the “current administration” is the issue…. But no… the higher-ups for my location have been like this since before I started working there at the end of 2018.
the culture is toxic and it is killing me…. But being an AuDHD canary in terms of society… the work world is not made for people like me… this has mostly been the safest job I have worked… we have/ had? a union. Is unclear. Courts say you cannot take it away. But the MAGAs/ Regressionists who call themselves republicans or conservatives but have forgotten what conservative means/ Agency high ups just trying to keep an income have taken it away again as of a couple days ago.
And having PTSD from an emotionally toxic mgr who was basically abusive to specific employees in her behavior for 7 years because honestly, some of the alternatives were worse, my teammates have all been pretty cool other than her (and this one lady lately who likes to say things and judge but doesn’t want to hear anything), and when I did try to get elsewhere… the lack of training and understanding thing with the person on my case screwed it up.
The complex part comes in because I have had PTSD from undiagnosed AuDHD trauma (AFAB as I am I wasn’t diagnosed until I figured it out while researching to help my son and a few years later pursued those answers as I started to struggle more), emotional abuse from my dad who is also neurodiverse but doesn’t think he is and the way he coped with it by masking to the world and carrying all the stress and tension and anger and then dumping it all at home where he felt safe…. I know my dad loves me, loves all of us… and when his emotional state wasn’t/ isn’t overwhelmed and toxic…he’s the kind of dad you want because he’s flawed at times but is really left in spite of some of the boomer capitalism conditioning and believes in the worth of everyone even if he’s awkward as f*ck socially… but he needs therapy and refuses to believe he does. Though where he used to yell… he did get some good insight from early years doctor Phil when the format was new and true before they were ratings pulling through extreme bullshit…. So he more whines his emotional dysfunction and deflection than yells it these days and it is less frequent, but not gone.
Lastly there is a single incident where the mother of a close friend who I spent enough time with to see her as a mother figure was strangled to death by her husband after a long series of domestic violence incidents stemming from her trying to be more independent and him losing his shit over losing her dependence on him. Though I don’t know if he was self aware enough to realize that’s why he did it….he did turn himself in one the ultimatum of a friend that he called to tell and he had done… and he died several years ago in prison… She was Korean and he was white and she was trying to learn better English, learn to drive, and get a career in the beauty industry as she had made friends in the Korean Community in my city and they work a lot in manicure, pedicure, hair care, body care type of businesses. I don’t know which skill she was going for but she wanted to do more than sit at home waiting for her only child - a boy- to come home from school.
That last part got set off at work when I was teaching a class (so not doing my normal hyper focus data entry no gossip autism thing) and found out that three different levels/ types of sexual predator were *active* within 50 feet of my cubicle. One was a stalker who has harassing one of my students. She needed to talk and I listened and took her seriously and she was in kind of “well if he does anything else I’ll report him” headspace because she felt guilt that taking action would end his career. The man worked in the other building and we were on the fourth floor of ours (she took the deal well after this as she had another opportunity and was fed up with the gaslighting and chaos)… the class was in August ish of 2024… and I pointed out that he was physically coming to her space. That the last message he had sent (she was a bit older than me just newly hired and her mom was in hr so she kept receipts) contained a threat… that she had given him opportunities over and over to leave her alone… and he hadn’t so any loss of career or whatnot was his choice that he had brought on himself… and that his next action might be physical. That she needed to make sure he didn’t take another action because of that. This was a Friday and I told her to report him that instant. Like ASAP. But she needed the time to process her feelings and reported him to her department mgr Monday morning and he was off the work location that day and not coming back… I think there was an investigation but he was no longer a physical threat in our space. It was still triggering for me though because we observed that his confidence and his tactics with her showed that this was not his first time doing things like this to a woman… and had probably been operating like this at our location for years…
(I DID NOT tell this woman that I got triggered… she did the right thing in talking to me even though it was triggering to me and did not deserve to feel any guilt just because I had past trauma….because from that experience I knew enough to validate her fears and encourage her to not be manipulated by guilt and prioritize her safety and peace of mind as well as the safety of all around her… it could have gone badly for everyone if he had gotten escalated to a certain point while in our space… even knowing how I have been impacted I would not change one moment of that conversation.)
During this same space of time one of my fellow trainers for the class advised that a white make mgr (I’m white but the majority of my coworkers are black women, some immigrants, most black American women, with a smattering of Asian and Hispanic women as well… my minority qualifiers are the neurospicy and comorbid disability, my non straightness, my nonmonogamy- ie polyamory in my case, non Christian/ religious, and I’m not cis *or* trans- gender doesn’t really register deeply with me in terms of self definition, except in the experiences I have had due to the gender construct role- early on I overperformed, then I rejected entirely, now I am just aware of and de-conditioning myself in relation to because gender isn’t real biologically and doesn’t define someone’s worth…. Also it impacts me in identity structure and expectations of others and how they consequently treat me based on those ideas.) she advised me he was harassing her and damaging her career and she was fairly certain it was because he asked her out and she literally (because she is a black woman who is *very* autistic and undiagnosed) didn’t think he was serious and after that he began harassing her and when he became a mgr her career path of doing different trainings and building her experience and resume kept getting stalled or stopped… and when she filed a report, our operations mgr didn’t follow the procedure to notify the correct authorities nor did he investigate properly… (because he’s predator #3 actually but I’ll get to that in a sec) she actually had to take a month off for her mental health due to what he was doing to her. She needed more but lost pay because she also didn’t get approved for accommodation.
Then, when he turned up in the class even though he was supposed to stay away from her and he knew she was there, the discussion of it came up with the other trainer he used as an excuse to come down and see… and my friend and the other trainer realized that he had been spreading rumors behind her back that they had dated and he had broken up with her and her behavior was all sour grapes… but that was all lies… and the other trainer didn’t know it was lies until they talked about the situation. There were 0 consequences to him. He eventually left our department for a different job…
Finally, our class was people who were taking the second section of training. They were all new hires who had been hired within the past several months and some had literally only been hired weeks before, taken the first section, and then were thrown into our class… others had been there since the beginning of the year… it was a mess but we did our best for them and the students validated my knowledge. And appreciated my autistic levels of detail and analysis. But what had been happening is that some of the new hires were family to prior workers… daughters, sisters, nieces… and some were young… like 18-early 20s young… and our operations mgr who was in a position of authority to them had been fooling around with many of them… one of them became so emotionally distraught over her interactions with him… that she threatened to throw herself off the top of the parking garage. I remember seeing the emergency vehicles but I didn’t know until after why they were there…. A friend on my team was friends with a relative of the girl and my friend from the prior incident? One of her younger relatives had been hit on and fortunately did not engage but had told my friend about how some of her fellow new hires did. So now his scandal was out in the open and he had obviously abused his authority in a sexual way… did he get fired… of course not!!! Other managers could neither confirm or deny the issue. He was out back in prior position for a bit then transferred to another job.. elsewhere? No idea where… so consequences but not what he should have got… and his shifting around while waiting to transfer out? His career- protected… all the domino promotions planned around the spot he was put- disrupted… who was mostly impacted adversely? Female managers.
So even though these threats I know about are all gone from my space… how many more remained still not busted or outed? How many have come in since? My PTSD has kept me from teaching another class or even working days in a row consistently at this point so I’m the last to know anything. And given that only the non manager from another department had real consequences and only because she had receipts of a blatant threat… how am I to even believe I am safe there? I don’t expect anyone to romantically be interested in me at all… but you don’t have to be a part of the situation to be in proximity to and get caught up in violence. Because if someone is hurting someone else I’m not running if I can help.
So I am triggered literally the moment I drove on campus… it used to be until I began to leave… but now it can cause an episode lasting almost a week… which kind of cancels out the benefits of having telework days you know? Sometimes I sit in the parking garage*after* my shift for up to an hour waiting to be safe to drive home. The last time I went in… I wasn’t even sure I would be able to drive so I got a ride to drop me off and pick me up. My family is all neurospicy so for them a planned extra trip is better than getting called unexpectedly to have two people who might have had plans to come so one to get there and one to drive the car home because I couldn’t…
I have said to try and illustrate it in a more tangible way… if you go into work and get punched in the stomach at least once an hour and it’s anywhere from 12-20 times a day… and someone tells you that you only have to come in two days out of 5… well… yeah 2 is better than 5 but I’m not grateful or satisfied because more than anything I would like to stop getting punched….like no punching at all would improve all my issues after time…
Because right now the PTSD and AuDHD trauma causing part of the PTSD and the different anxieties and depressions comorbid with different parts interact, combine, escalate, and trigger each other. My mental/ emotional load is higher because my trauma makes masking automatic and when the trigger is so bad my hands are shaking… it is severe because I know now how much energy I was using to keep my physical appearance “normal”… I cannot do self care to recover at home because my energy is all spent except for what I need to eat, restroom, drink, vege out enough to calm to then sleep enough to be ok to do these minimums again the next day either alone because I’m too much of a mess to work even from home (ie I cannot stay awake or in the moment and not disassociated long enough to get out of bed or to work and keep my job and my paycheck and my insurance so I can keep taking the several meds I am on trying to control this and my f-ed up defective uterus. It carries a baby ok, hence my son… but I have had cramps so bad they were only slightly less painful than the peak of a labor contraction but worse…. Because contractions go up and down in a wave pattern… the cramps were damned near a straight line with occasional upward spikes for about 48 hours…. I got a Mirena IUD after my son was born and that stopped the bleeding and lowered the severity of the cramps some… but when I am stressed… and previously but especially now they are just as bad as before and the mood swings and proximity disruption to my intestines and rectum and bladder… they never stopped… so sometimes I have an episode… it’s about a week after and the feelings have mostly faded down to manageable levels… then in comes Mother Nature and blows the feelings up again by a factor of like 20…. So even though I’m ok, i’m not ok… and I’m in pain and dealing with loose bowels and even if I get pain meds that put the pain at a distance or stop it… my uterus is still cramping contracting and my body gets exhausted from that action. Also, since those cramps have been going on for almost 30 years and I work sedentary jobs, my pelvic arc muscles are messed up… I started physical therapy after I had laparoscopic surgery to make sure the IUD had kept my uterus lining or something from eating neighboring organs and such… which it has… which is good…
But… I kind of wanted proof… you know? I expected they would *see* something and they didn’t and that put me deep in depression for a few weeks… just the years of self doubt and feelings of self loathing from thinking I was weak before I had my son on my early 20s and realized I was not….that my pain was large….
Oh and I have a hietal hernia… I think I have had it most of my life but no one ever looked before last year when trying to find the uterus pain….. also I have large gallstones which currently not an active problem but exist as a potential sudden one at any time… and I’m pre diabetic and don’t have enough task energy to brush my teeth daily so I gave to do cheap easy prepared meals that *also* don’t cause sensory issues because with everything else I have less energy to work around or through those on a daily basis too. So ripple effect… less healthy energy and more digestive problems.
So avoiding going to work? Hells yes. Because I cannot do my job this impaired. I have gone and sat at my desk so I can keep my job and notified my mgr, dept mgr, etc why I produce so little. Why I am a mess. And why it is getting worse. There are days where all three energy types are so low that I just get through the day hopefully resting and drinking/eating and not stressing my brains task area enough that maybe it will have dopamine and maybe my body won’t shake and ache to stand from my lizard brain panicking even in my “safe” space… I skip showering frequently now because I am afraid of fainting if someone doesn’t body double with me and at least be there to know if that doesn’t work enough and something does happen. Also my energy reserves are just across the board recovering sound the trauma that little.
I’m a mess. And I feel like my good support is from people who understand… but they understand because they’ve had it too. And they have more on their plate for it… And while I on one hand wish that knowledge on no one… I wish the people not believing me and screwing up my accommodations process could get a clue and just stop hurting me.
Is that so much to ask? Just stop hurting me and let me heal?
OP, yes people avoid work when their analytic brain tells them that it is a bad idea to risk their lives for other people’s idea of what your pain should be. Keep your income if you have to, but don’t put your heart and soul into being a great employee when they will only treat you like trash the moment it is uncomfortable for them to see you struggle. The moment you don’t fit their narrative of pain and struggle and severe.
You do not have to perform your pain for them for it to be real and to impact your life and your abilities. I understand your fears because I have had them. And I wish to any gods or powers that will listen that we change this mess. Change this “bootstrap” culture that punishes people for never having had boots or having badly made ones that don’t stand up to the circumstances we are forced to choose…
You are not alone and you are not lazy or avoiding work because you “don’t want to” or whatever they or the voices of past theys that got into your head tell you. You are logically analyzing risk based on your knowledge of your body and mind and nervous system… and you may have to kowtow to their bullshit sometimes to survive… but don’t you dare keep believing it… you deserve better, ok? Best luck and wishes OP and anyone else on these places in their lives and hearts. I’m rooting for you. Because you are so much stronger than they have ever had to be. And I hope that if they are dear to you that they suffer the discomfort of finding out how wrong they are and do better by all of us.
So I’m cutting short now because the autism super analysis isn’t fueled by functioning energy… it is slowed down by it. So as it is a train without brakes I’m derailing before we go another 500 paragraph miles.
there is a lot of detail so if domestic/ sexual harassment details are triggers then probably stop here.I am afraid of falling asleep while driving sometimes. Along with the CPTSD I am AuDHD. I have spiraled down so hard. My spiral is like a whirlpool ie funnelshaped and I am just stuck right at the tip right now barely hanging on.
I have requested reasonable accommodation at work of full-time telework but they keep telling me they can’t or i don’t qualify and whatnot. Right now I am on a really f*cked up partial telework arrangement…. 3 days of telework and two days supposedly in office….
For context… I am a federal employee- IRS specifically (most people at my level, we are here to help and do our best because we are taxpayers too… mistakes occur due to stress, poor training, toxic work culture, lack of funding for proper equipment and salary (we ran out of paper at one point last year. Like. Paper. To go in printers. We didn’t have enough. It was insane) and the damaged training and management habits that has created.)… and you would think that the “current administration” is the issue…. But no… the higher-ups for my location have been like this since before I started working there at the end of 2018.
the culture is toxic and it is killing me…. But being an AuDHD canary in terms of society… the work world is not made for people like me… this has mostly been the safest job I have worked… we have/ had? a union. Is unclear. Courts say you cannot take it away. But the MAGAs/ Regressionists who call themselves republicans or conservatives but have forgotten what conservative means/ Agency high ups just trying to keep an income have taken it away again as of a couple days ago.And having PTSD from an emotionally toxic mgr who was basically abusive to specific employees in her behavior for 7 years because honestly, some of the alternatives were worse, my teammates have all been pretty cool other than her (and this one lady lately who likes to say things and judge but doesn’t want to hear anything), and when I did try to get elsewhere… the lack of training and understanding thing with the person on my case screwed it up.
The complex part comes in because I have had PTSD from undiagnosed AuDHD trauma (AFAB as I am I wasn’t diagnosed until I figured it out while researching to help my son and a few years later pursued those answers as I started to struggle more), emotional abuse from my dad who is also neurodiverse but doesn’t think he is and the way he coped with it by masking to the world and carrying all the stress and tension and anger and then dumping it all at home where he felt safe…. I know my dad loves me, loves all of us… and when his emotional state wasn’t/ isn’t overwhelmed and toxic…he’s the kind of dad you want because he’s flawed at times but is really left in spite of some of the boomer capitalism conditioning and believes in the worth of everyone even if he’s awkward as f*ck socially… but he needs therapy and refuses to believe he does. Though where he used to yell… he did get some good insight from early years doctor Phil when the format was new and true before they were ratings pulling through extreme bullshit…. So he more whines his emotional dysfunction and deflection than yells it these days and it is less frequent, but not gone.
Lastly there is a single incident where the mother of a close friend who I spent enough time with to see her as a mother figure was strangled to death by her husband after a long series of domestic violence incidents stemming from her trying to be more independent and him losing his shit over losing her dependence on him. Though I don’t know if he was self aware enough to realize that’s why he did it….he did turn himself in one the ultimatum of a friend that he called to tell and he had done… and he died several years ago in prison… She was Korean and he was white and she was trying to learn better English, learn to drive, and get a career in the beauty industry as she had made friends in the Korean Community in my city and they work a lot in manicure, pedicure, hair care, body care type of businesses. I don’t know which skill she was going for but she wanted to do more than sit at home waiting for her only child - a boy- to come home from school.
That last part got set off at work when I was teaching a class (so not doing my normal hyper focus data entry no gossip autism thing) and found out that three different levels/ types of sexual predator were *active* within 50 feet of my cubicle. One was a stalker who has harassing one of my students. She needed to talk and I listened and took her seriously and she was in kind of “well if he does anything else I’ll report him” headspace because she felt guilt that taking action would end his career. The man worked in the other building and we were on the fourth floor of ours (she took the deal well after this as she had another opportunity and was fed up with the gaslighting and chaos)… the class was in August ish of 2024… and I pointed out that he was physically coming to her space. That the last message he had sent (she was a bit older than me just newly hired and her mom was in hr so she kept receipts) contained a threat… that she had given him opportunities over and over to leave her alone… and he hadn’t so any loss of career or whatnot was his choice that he had brought on himself… and that his next action might be physical. That she needed to make sure he didn’t take another action because of that. This was a Friday and I told her to report him that instant. Like ASAP. But she needed the time to process her feelings and reported him to her department mgr Monday morning and he was off the work location that day and not coming back… I think there was an investigation but he was no longer a physical threat in our space. It was still triggering for me though because we observed that his confidence and his tactics with her showed that this was not his first time doing things like this to a woman… and had probably been operating like this at our location for years…
(I DID NOT tell this woman that I got triggered… she did the right thing in talking to me even though it was triggering to me and did not deserve to feel any guilt just because I had past trauma….because from that experience I knew enough to validate her fears and encourage her to not be manipulated by guilt and prioritize her safety and peace of mind as well as the safety of all around her… it could have gone badly for everyone if he had gotten escalated to a certain point while in our space… even knowing how I have been impacted I would not change one moment of that conversation.)
During this same space of time one of my fellow trainers for the class advised that a white make mgr (I’m white but the majority of my coworkers are black women, some immigrants, most black American women, with a smattering of Asian and Hispanic women as well… my minority qualifiers are the neurospicy and comorbid disability, my non straightness, my nonmonogamy- ie polyamory in my case, non Christian/ religious, and I’m not cis *or* trans- gender doesn’t really register deeply with me in terms of self definition, except in the experiences I have had due to the gender construct role- early on I overperformed, then I rejected entirely, now I am just aware of and de-conditioning myself in relation to because gender isn’t real biologically and doesn’t define someone’s worth…. Also it impacts me in identity structure and expectations of others and how they consequently treat me based on those ideas.) she advised me he was harassing her and damaging her career and she was fairly certain it was because he asked her out and she literally (because she is a black woman who is *very* autistic and undiagnosed) didn’t think he was serious and after that he began harassing her and when he became a mgr her career path of doing different trainings and building her experience and resume kept getting stalled or stopped… and when she filed a report, our operations mgr didn’t follow the procedure to notify the correct authorities nor did he investigate properly… (because he’s predator #3 actually but I’ll get to that in a sec) she actually had to take a month off for her mental health due to what he was doing to her. She needed more but lost pay because she also didn’t get approved for accommodation.
Then, when he turned up in the class even though he was supposed to stay away from her and he knew she was there, the discussion of it came up with the other trainer he used as an excuse to come down and see… and my friend and the other trainer realized that he had been spreading rumors behind her back that they had dated and he had broken up with her and her behavior was all sour grapes… but that was all lies… and the other trainer didn’t know it was lies until they talked about the situation. There were 0 consequences to him. He eventually left our department for a different job…
Finally, our class was people who were taking the second section of training. They were all new hires who had been hired within the past several months and some had literally only been hired weeks before, taken the first section, and then were thrown into our class… others had been there since the beginning of the year… it was a mess but we did our best for them and the students validated my knowledge. And appreciated my autistic levels of detail and analysis. But what had been happening is that some of the new hires were family to prior workers… daughters, sisters, nieces… and some were young… like 18-early 20s young… and our operations mgr who was in a position of authority to them had been fooling around with many of them… one of them became so emotionally distraught over her interactions with him… that she threatened to throw herself off the top of the parking garage. I remember seeing the emergency vehicles but I didn’t know until after why they were there…. A friend on my team was friends with a relative of the girl and my friend from the prior incident? One of her younger relatives had been hit on and fortunately did not engage but had told my friend about how some of her fellow new hires did. So now his scandal was out in the open and he had obviously abused his authority in a sexual way… did he get fired… of course not!!! Other managers could neither confirm or deny the issue. He was out back in prior position for a bit then transferred to another job.. elsewhere? No idea where… so consequences but not what he should have got… and his shifting around while waiting to transfer out? His career- protected… all the domino promotions planned around the spot he was put- disrupted… who was mostly impacted adversely? Female managers.
So even though these threats I know about are all gone from my space… how many more remained still not busted or outed? How many have come in since? My PTSD has kept me from teaching another class or even working days in a row consistently at this point so I’m the last to know anything. And given that only the non manager from another department had real consequences and only because she had receipts of a blatant threat… how am I to even believe I am safe there? I don’t expect anyone to romantically be interested in me at all… but you don’t have to be a part of the situation to be in proximity to and get caught up in violence. Because if someone is hurting someone else I’m not running if I can help.
So I am triggered literally the moment I drove on campus… it used to be until I began to leave… but now it can cause an episode lasting almost a week… which kind of cancels out the benefits of having telework days you know? Sometimes I sit in the parking garage*after* my shift for up to an hour waiting to be safe to drive home. The last time I went in… I wasn’t even sure I would be able to drive so I got a ride to drop me off and pick me up. My family is all neurospicy so for them a planned extra trip is better than getting called unexpectedly to have two people who might have had plans to come so one to get there and one to drive the car home because I couldn’t…
I have said to try and illustrate it in a more tangible way… if you go into work and get punched in the stomach at least once an hour and it’s anywhere from 12-20 times a day… and someone tells you that you only have to come in two days out of 5… well… yeah 2 is better than 5 but I’m not grateful or satisfied because more than anything I would like to stop getting punched….like no punching at all would improve all my issues after time…
Because right now the PTSD and AuDHD trauma causing part of the PTSD and the different anxieties and depressions comorbid with different parts interact, combine, escalate, and trigger each other. My mental/ emotional load is higher because my trauma makes masking automatic and when the trigger is so bad my hands are shaking… it is severe because I know now how much energy I was using to keep my physical appearance “normal”…
I cannot do self care to recover at home because my energy is all spent except for what I need to eat, restroom, drink, vege out enough to calm to then sleep enough to be ok to do these minimums again the next day either alone because I’m too much of a mess to work even from home (ie I cannot stay awake or in the moment and not disassociated long enough to get out of bed or to work and keep my job and my paycheck and my insurance so I can keep taking the several meds I am on trying to control this and my f-ed up defective uterus. It carries a baby ok, hence my son… but I have had cramps so bad they were only slightly less painful than the peak of a labor contraction but worse…. Because contractions go up and down in a wave pattern… the cramps were damned near a straight line with occasional upward spikes for about 48 hours…. I got a Mirena IUD after my son was born and that stopped the bleeding and lowered the severity of the cramps some… but when I am stressed… and previously but especially now they are just as bad as before and the mood swings and proximity disruption to my intestines and rectum and bladder… they never stopped… so sometimes I have an episode… it’s about a week after and the feelings have mostly faded down to manageable levels… then in comes Mother Nature and blows the feelings up again by a factor of like 20…. So even though I’m ok, i’m not ok… and I’m in pain and dealing with loose bowels and even if I get pain meds that put the pain at a distance or stop it… my uterus is still cramping contracting and my body gets exhausted from that action. Also, since those cramps have been going on for almost 30 years and I work sedentary jobs, my pelvic arc muscles are messed up… I started physical therapy after I had laparoscopic surgery to make sure the IUD had kept my uterus lining or something from eating neighboring organs and such… which it has… which is good…But… I kind of wanted proof… you know? I expected they would *see* something and they didn’t and that put me deep in depression for a few weeks… just the years of self doubt and feelings of self loathing from thinking I was weak before I had my son on my early 20s and realized I was not….that my pain was large….
Oh and I have a hietal hernia… I think I have had it most of my life but no one ever looked before last year when trying to find the uterus pain….. also I have large gallstones which currently not an active problem but exist as a potential sudden one at any time… and I’m pre diabetic and don’t have enough task energy to brush my teeth daily so I gave to do cheap easy prepared meals that *also* don’t cause sensory issues because with everything else I have less energy to work around or through those on a daily basis too. So ripple effect… less healthy energy and more digestive problems.
So avoiding going to work? Hells yes. Because I cannot do my job this impaired. I have gone and sat at my desk so I can keep my job and notified my mgr, dept mgr, etc why I produce so little. Why I am a mess. And why it is getting worse. There are days where all three energy types are so low that I just get through the day hopefully resting and drinking/eating and not stressing my brains task area enough that maybe it will have dopamine and maybe my body won’t shake and ache to stand from my lizard brain panicking even in my “safe” space… I skip showering frequently now because I am afraid of fainting if someone doesn’t body double with me and at least be there to know if that doesn’t work enough and something does happen. Also my energy reserves are just across the board recovering sound the trauma that little.
I’m a mess. And I feel like my good support is from people who understand… but they understand because they’ve had it too. And they have more on their plate for it… And while I on one hand wish that knowledge on no one… I wish the people not believing me and screwing up my accommodations process could get a clue and just stop hurting me.
Is that so much to ask? Just stop hurting me and let me heal?
OP, yes people avoid work when their analytic brain tells them that it is a bad idea to risk their lives for other people’s idea of what your pain should be. Keep your income if you have to, but don’t put your heart and soul into being a great employee when they will only treat you like trash the moment it is uncomfortable for them to see you struggle. The moment you don’t fit their narrative of pain and struggle and severe.
You do not have to perform your pain for them for it to be real and to impact your life and your abilities. I understand your fears because I have had them. And I wish to any gods or powers that will listen that we change this mess. Change this “bootstrap” culture that punishes people for never having had boots or having badly made ones that don’t stand up to the circumstances we are forced to choose…
You are not alone and you are not lazy or avoiding work because you “don’t want to” or whatever they or the voices of past theys that got into your head tell you. You are logically analyzing risk based on your knowledge of your body and mind and nervous system… and you may have to kowtow to their bullshit sometimes to survive… but don’t you dare keep believing it… you deserve better, ok? Best luck and wishes OP and anyone else on these places in their lives and hearts. I’m rooting for you. Because you are so much stronger than they have ever had to be. And I hope that if they are dear to you that they suffer the discomfort of finding out how wrong they are and do better by all of us.
So I’m cutting short now because the autism super analysis isn’t fueled by functioning energy… it is slowed down by it. So as it is a train without brakes I’m derailing before we go another 500 paragraph miles.
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