Awkward Conversations About Family

[Ronin]

My family are my partner and my friends.

That's about where that question ends with me. Both rather boring topics and something they're not asking when they mean 'family', but I'm quite happy to answer as it is, my definition of family being different.

 

[Ronin]

The idea is the nip the inquisition in the bud and keep it from rearing its head again. These answers are more like appetizers (...)

No, not really. They're 'appetizers' only to people who seriously do not know how to mind their business, and those are not the sort of people anyone with boundaries problems and broken trust, as trauma survivors, needs to have in their lives.

It's also very bad manners, and the only thing those people are showing is they're not someone worth investing time and energy into.

 

[Dana1010]

No, not really. They're 'appetizers' only to people who seriously do not know how to mind their business, and those are not the sort of people anyone with boundaries problems and broken trust, as trauma survivors, needs to have in their lives.

It's also very bad manners, and the only thing those people are showing is they're not someone worth investing time and energy into.

Maybe, but they're also unavoidable in many cases--bosses, coworkers, clients, friends of friends.

 

[Chava]

My family knows I have chronic pain and see a therapist.That is all. My mom has admitted that her only memory of my childhood is that she was really angry. Nobody asks about the pain. We switch to talking about weather or house projects and that works quite well.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I just don't bring it up. And sometimes, depending on the situation, I'll just out and out lie. Doesn't' make me feel good, but the protection factor can be huge - sometimes I just don't care enough to be honest.

With people closer to me, I'll be more forthcoming, although vague - say things like "it's pretty complicated" and even just tell them that it is a long story that I don't feel like telling at the moment. I feel good with that answer - not a lie, but a very definite truth.

 

[Chava]

sometimes I just don't care enough to be honest.

I think it's not worth it in mnay of our families, right? We will be further shamed for being the f*ck ups. Right?? NOT WORTH IT. Easier to talk about how nice the dinner was. Simple chat. My mom remembers herself as angry, but she will never want to hear how she terrorized me. She was likely dissociative in her worst rages and would never believe she broke a door against my back.

I love my mom as an imperfect human who probably saw too much of me in her own unresolved CSA. She does love me. But I keep the details and present issues between me and my therapist. Right now it's about me. Sharing this with my family would do me NO GOOD. And nevermind how horrible it would make them feel...would also shame me. I'm done with that. Oddly, my mom has grown a lot and does not pry or ask about my therapy because I think she respects the simple fact that I deserve more help. And maybe she wasn't perfect. But we have a relationship. It's just different.

 

[scout86]

These days, I just tell people I'm one of "those people:" who has "that kind of family". Haven't met anyone, yet, who wasn't surprised enough by that that they didn't have a come back. Beyond that, they can think what they want.

 

[Fadeaway]

@Dana1010 Beauticians are the worst for it. I know they are just trying to earn tips and return service by being friendly, but I always get asked the awkward questions that would be normal for most people. I stopped get my hair cut for that reason.