once normal
New Here
My name is Cathy, but I chose my screen name in my battle to return to a normal life. In my early childhood, I suffered long term emotional, physical and sexual abuse. I also witnessed a violent, bloody death (feet away from woman being hit by a bus. I can still see what was left of her face 50 years later)
Throughout my life, I have had bouts of what is now known as PTSD. My first episode in my mid-teens, there was no name for the condition. There have been a few since, sought help, recovered and went on to build a productive, happy little life for myself. Yes, I've always had phobias, but learned to deal with them. When I suffered my first dissociative episode with blackout a few months ago, I knew I needed help again and have been in therapy since. My T is young, has been helpful, but incidents that are occurring in an attempt to face my demons has sent me miles backward.
I live in the high desert near Palm Springs and when I bought my quirky little 5 acre ranch, I thought I had achieved my dream, and so it was for about 14 years. It was a great neighborhood, nice people, dogs and horses everywhere. They're all gone now, most chased out by the child molester, his family and another dangerous person living near by. One poor senior couple moved into the neighborhood and chased out within 6 weeks. The house still remains empty. Honestly, I was more than willing to leave back in 2008 when it became apparent that I was the new target. They didn't want dogs in the area and mine would have to go. But, unfortunately, I have to disclose both child molesters and nuisance neighbors and no real estate agent would take it. All said the same thing -- no one will buy property next to a real estate agent. Every creative idea I came up with to get out failed.
Especially when you suffer from exaggerated startle response, having animal control and code enforcement come to your door over 40 times is enough to set anybody off. But, it's escalated. Somehow, they got my phone # and have been leaving threatening messages and screaming profanities. Many of you know what i mean that when I hear the child molester's (convicted) voice, I have this sense of filth -- I can't get clean.
All the officials who have been here know I am being harrassed, but no one will do anything about it. All suggested the same thing, apply for a restraining order. My case manager at the therapy center was certain I would win, would be going with me and assured me that this needed to be done for my own safety as well as giving me the opportunity to start healing. It looked promising and a temporary restraining order was granted, but a new judge presided and I knew as soon as he was describing the case, I would lose. I I did which now opens the door to further harassment and now retaliation
As this has been going on my symptoms have worsened. I've got pretty much all the symptoms, mood swings, lack of concentration, dissociation, heart palpitations, flash backs with physical manifestations, panic attacks lasting for days, weeks or months (longest on record for me is six months) and a mind that I can't seem to control. I have gone off the deep end and now have suicidal and violent thoughts as well. They put me on Prozac back in 2010 and I had a rare reaction of suicidal actions, survived the night and Doctor immediately took me off the drug returning me to Ativan.
To make matters worse, my symptoms have become so severe that I had to shut down my business which has now added tremendous financial concerns to the mix. My greatest fear is that I will lose my family (incidentally, they are service dogs, not pets) and it seems to be heading down that path.
All the tools that I have help a little bit, but with each "incident" I fall further and further back. What bothers me the most is that as a kid I was eventually able to stop the predator by myself, stopping the molestation for both me and my sister. Now, here I am 50 years later, and I can't stop it.
I have to learn how to deal with the triggers and I don't know how. My T has some ideas, but we are looking at long term therapy before it will be successful. I don't think I can last that long.
If any one out there has any tools to share, any ideas, I would love to hear them. I want my life back, I just don't know how to get it. There's so much more to the story, but I'll leave it here for now.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Throughout my life, I have had bouts of what is now known as PTSD. My first episode in my mid-teens, there was no name for the condition. There have been a few since, sought help, recovered and went on to build a productive, happy little life for myself. Yes, I've always had phobias, but learned to deal with them. When I suffered my first dissociative episode with blackout a few months ago, I knew I needed help again and have been in therapy since. My T is young, has been helpful, but incidents that are occurring in an attempt to face my demons has sent me miles backward.
I live in the high desert near Palm Springs and when I bought my quirky little 5 acre ranch, I thought I had achieved my dream, and so it was for about 14 years. It was a great neighborhood, nice people, dogs and horses everywhere. They're all gone now, most chased out by the child molester, his family and another dangerous person living near by. One poor senior couple moved into the neighborhood and chased out within 6 weeks. The house still remains empty. Honestly, I was more than willing to leave back in 2008 when it became apparent that I was the new target. They didn't want dogs in the area and mine would have to go. But, unfortunately, I have to disclose both child molesters and nuisance neighbors and no real estate agent would take it. All said the same thing -- no one will buy property next to a real estate agent. Every creative idea I came up with to get out failed.
Especially when you suffer from exaggerated startle response, having animal control and code enforcement come to your door over 40 times is enough to set anybody off. But, it's escalated. Somehow, they got my phone # and have been leaving threatening messages and screaming profanities. Many of you know what i mean that when I hear the child molester's (convicted) voice, I have this sense of filth -- I can't get clean.
All the officials who have been here know I am being harrassed, but no one will do anything about it. All suggested the same thing, apply for a restraining order. My case manager at the therapy center was certain I would win, would be going with me and assured me that this needed to be done for my own safety as well as giving me the opportunity to start healing. It looked promising and a temporary restraining order was granted, but a new judge presided and I knew as soon as he was describing the case, I would lose. I I did which now opens the door to further harassment and now retaliation
As this has been going on my symptoms have worsened. I've got pretty much all the symptoms, mood swings, lack of concentration, dissociation, heart palpitations, flash backs with physical manifestations, panic attacks lasting for days, weeks or months (longest on record for me is six months) and a mind that I can't seem to control. I have gone off the deep end and now have suicidal and violent thoughts as well. They put me on Prozac back in 2010 and I had a rare reaction of suicidal actions, survived the night and Doctor immediately took me off the drug returning me to Ativan.
To make matters worse, my symptoms have become so severe that I had to shut down my business which has now added tremendous financial concerns to the mix. My greatest fear is that I will lose my family (incidentally, they are service dogs, not pets) and it seems to be heading down that path.
All the tools that I have help a little bit, but with each "incident" I fall further and further back. What bothers me the most is that as a kid I was eventually able to stop the predator by myself, stopping the molestation for both me and my sister. Now, here I am 50 years later, and I can't stop it.
I have to learn how to deal with the triggers and I don't know how. My T has some ideas, but we are looking at long term therapy before it will be successful. I don't think I can last that long.
If any one out there has any tools to share, any ideas, I would love to hear them. I want my life back, I just don't know how to get it. There's so much more to the story, but I'll leave it here for now.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
