Almost 7 years I try to keep it all inside. Telling no one. Only couple friends and my boyfriend knows something. And all because they fall into middle of my panic episode. But now I am sick of all those bad feelings. I want to heal and tell my story. A long time I think that it is too minor to tell. But now I know he did wrong to me.
I think that it is very minor possibility that here is someone who knows this small circles where all this happend so I might tell some details.Of course no names or something like that, but I think that you can understand better if I tell also some backgrounds.
Huh, my heart beats about 200 times in minute... :confused: But it is now or never...
And btw, I am sorry about my grammar mistakes. I am not so good at writing English in past tense...
All start when I saw newspaper advertisement where they looking for helper to small husky-farm in Lappland. I love good winter (snow over 70 cm), I love Lappland and dogs. So I call to them. Man of the farm answer and he ask me if I can speak English, because there will be a lot of tourist, and how well I can handle dogs and so on. Then he just say I am welcome and I can start in January. Later I heard that normally his wife answer to phone and she make all this kind of decisions. Also I heard that if she has answer to phone, I don't write to you now because she did't like that that I did my studies in same time.
So I start there. First we deciside that I will be there two months. I don't remember a lot from first weeks. But something start to happend right after I came. My mom teach me that I cannot trust mens, so of course I also fear little bit the man of the house. But he was very nice to me. VERY nice... We live middle of nowhere, so he became like father to me (he was about 60 and I was 20). I read some days ago from ptsd forum writing of Anthony about "Becoming a 'compliant victim'". Anthony write about how these mens behave their womans when they start to meet them. There is 11 points and it is just like from my life!!
Little by little he start to tell me how much he loves me (of course only when we were alone) and he never want to hurt me. He start to ask me if I love him. When I say "No" he went so angry. He did't touch me but his anger was so overflowing that I feel that I be strangled near him. Also he stop to help others which stop our every day jobs because he was the only man in the house. So I stop to say no :goingtocry: Or I try it. He start to propose intimate actions: first just a kiss, then if I go to sauna with him (even in Finland we don't go to sauna with member who is not our family if s/he is opposite sex), and other things. He start to touching me from my genital area (I have clothes on) when we was alone, he take my hand and take it his genital area and say "feel how hard I am,please help me". I try to say no, but because I feard his anger, I try to do some counter-propose which was not so "awful".I give to him my panties or write some "sexy" text message and so on.
Some how he manage to speak to me that I stay there one month more. And I did. He start to search to us more time when we can be alone. E.g. he say to his wife that we go to clean one cabin. Before we go there I knew that we did't just clean but until we were there he told me that he cleaned all day before and now we have time just for us :eek: He did't rape me, he never do that,but he masturbate himself when he touch my genital area. (I feel sooooooo awful now.... :cold: But I finish this because I started it... It is so called 'sisu'). This happens couple times. It was maybe 3th time when we go to cabin and I decide that if it feel not good I say no. "He just start to be anger and it least 3 days. Nothing what I have to be worries about". Big NO so he understand. So it did't feel right and I start to say "No, please stop that. It don't feel good today." Finally he get angry, I mean VERY angry, and he pull me to bed and come over me. I don't remember everything what happend. I fear sooo much. Finally I whispered: "This feels not so good". He lifted his body little bit, look at me, laugh and say "Boys from south do not stop here".
Finally my 3 months end. Even just before I go to bus he try to kiss me. I turn my head away.
When I was back home, I did't know what was happend to me. I cannot name that what he did to me. I feel sick. I was very timid. Somehow I also want to go back. I even miss him :confused: He start to call me almost every evening. He said how much he love me and miss me. He want to meet me again. "Maybe we can go to cruise together?" I know that this is no good idea. So we decide to go hotel :banghead: :no: That day, when I go to make reservation to hotel, I met a boy :angel: I did't make that resesvation. We fall in love (maybe too much to say, but I don't find right words) and we met couple times. When that man from Lappland call me and ask about hotel, I tell him that there is no hotel reservation because I have a boyfriend. That man was very jealous about me, he get mad sometimes because I laugh with tourist, so information that I have someone else was way too much for him!!! He was sooo angry. From that day I start to fear him very much. Every time when I change my home, I check that my address details are secret. BUT because he have shamanism lineageor family background, or this was what they tell me in Lappland, I don't frear only that he came to me, I also fear if he can do something from big distance. I know this sounds very stupid, but in he farm there happend couple thing what you cannot explain with common sense... :confused:
He call me couple times more. He was very angry and said that I have to forget him (:applause:). This all happend about 7 years ago and he called me two times after that. I did't answer. But every time I had panic attack. I had two crises period, 1st last autumn and 2nd couple weeks ago. Now I have my 1st therapy session behind me. And here I tell my story to you :thumbsup:Next big thing is that I have to decide that do I charge him for that what he do to me. I have no evidence. Only my words... And I really fear what he will do when he will know that I have charge against him...
So there was my story. The End :applause:
I think that it is very minor possibility that here is someone who knows this small circles where all this happend so I might tell some details.Of course no names or something like that, but I think that you can understand better if I tell also some backgrounds.
Huh, my heart beats about 200 times in minute... :confused: But it is now or never...
And btw, I am sorry about my grammar mistakes. I am not so good at writing English in past tense...
All start when I saw newspaper advertisement where they looking for helper to small husky-farm in Lappland. I love good winter (snow over 70 cm), I love Lappland and dogs. So I call to them. Man of the farm answer and he ask me if I can speak English, because there will be a lot of tourist, and how well I can handle dogs and so on. Then he just say I am welcome and I can start in January. Later I heard that normally his wife answer to phone and she make all this kind of decisions. Also I heard that if she has answer to phone, I don't write to you now because she did't like that that I did my studies in same time.
So I start there. First we deciside that I will be there two months. I don't remember a lot from first weeks. But something start to happend right after I came. My mom teach me that I cannot trust mens, so of course I also fear little bit the man of the house. But he was very nice to me. VERY nice... We live middle of nowhere, so he became like father to me (he was about 60 and I was 20). I read some days ago from ptsd forum writing of Anthony about "Becoming a 'compliant victim'". Anthony write about how these mens behave their womans when they start to meet them. There is 11 points and it is just like from my life!!
Little by little he start to tell me how much he loves me (of course only when we were alone) and he never want to hurt me. He start to ask me if I love him. When I say "No" he went so angry. He did't touch me but his anger was so overflowing that I feel that I be strangled near him. Also he stop to help others which stop our every day jobs because he was the only man in the house. So I stop to say no :goingtocry: Or I try it. He start to propose intimate actions: first just a kiss, then if I go to sauna with him (even in Finland we don't go to sauna with member who is not our family if s/he is opposite sex), and other things. He start to touching me from my genital area (I have clothes on) when we was alone, he take my hand and take it his genital area and say "feel how hard I am,please help me". I try to say no, but because I feard his anger, I try to do some counter-propose which was not so "awful".I give to him my panties or write some "sexy" text message and so on.
Some how he manage to speak to me that I stay there one month more. And I did. He start to search to us more time when we can be alone. E.g. he say to his wife that we go to clean one cabin. Before we go there I knew that we did't just clean but until we were there he told me that he cleaned all day before and now we have time just for us :eek: He did't rape me, he never do that,but he masturbate himself when he touch my genital area. (I feel sooooooo awful now.... :cold: But I finish this because I started it... It is so called 'sisu'). This happens couple times. It was maybe 3th time when we go to cabin and I decide that if it feel not good I say no. "He just start to be anger and it least 3 days. Nothing what I have to be worries about". Big NO so he understand. So it did't feel right and I start to say "No, please stop that. It don't feel good today." Finally he get angry, I mean VERY angry, and he pull me to bed and come over me. I don't remember everything what happend. I fear sooo much. Finally I whispered: "This feels not so good". He lifted his body little bit, look at me, laugh and say "Boys from south do not stop here".
Finally my 3 months end. Even just before I go to bus he try to kiss me. I turn my head away.
When I was back home, I did't know what was happend to me. I cannot name that what he did to me. I feel sick. I was very timid. Somehow I also want to go back. I even miss him :confused: He start to call me almost every evening. He said how much he love me and miss me. He want to meet me again. "Maybe we can go to cruise together?" I know that this is no good idea. So we decide to go hotel :banghead: :no: That day, when I go to make reservation to hotel, I met a boy :angel: I did't make that resesvation. We fall in love (maybe too much to say, but I don't find right words) and we met couple times. When that man from Lappland call me and ask about hotel, I tell him that there is no hotel reservation because I have a boyfriend. That man was very jealous about me, he get mad sometimes because I laugh with tourist, so information that I have someone else was way too much for him!!! He was sooo angry. From that day I start to fear him very much. Every time when I change my home, I check that my address details are secret. BUT because he have shamanism lineageor family background, or this was what they tell me in Lappland, I don't frear only that he came to me, I also fear if he can do something from big distance. I know this sounds very stupid, but in he farm there happend couple thing what you cannot explain with common sense... :confused:
He call me couple times more. He was very angry and said that I have to forget him (:applause:). This all happend about 7 years ago and he called me two times after that. I did't answer. But every time I had panic attack. I had two crises period, 1st last autumn and 2nd couple weeks ago. Now I have my 1st therapy session behind me. And here I tell my story to you :thumbsup:Next big thing is that I have to decide that do I charge him for that what he do to me. I have no evidence. Only my words... And I really fear what he will do when he will know that I have charge against him...
So there was my story. The End :applause:
