Bad Flashbacks After Touch

[Matilda]

Hi everyone. I haven't been on here for awhile which for me is always a big accomplishment as it means that everything is tolerable in my life. Nonetheless, I still missed all of you :). I'm coming to accept that the sexual assault that I endured when I was 14 by my dad will always be a part of my life in some way or another. I have never suffered from flashbacks before until last week. I'm going out with my best friend and at one point she gently put her arm around me as she stroked my hair. I tried to stay grounded, but all I could was keep my eyes closed as I started to shiver. She knows all about my past so she kept asking if I was fine. I didn't want her to stop so I lied, but I couldn't ground myself at all. I eventually pulled away and told her I was leaving and I'd see her soon. That night I could barely sleep as all of my dreams revolved around that night when I was 14. I couldn't stop shivering and my body didn't feel like my body. It felt numb. It's been a week and I haven't been able to eat anything larger than a bit of bread and some soup as I keep dry heaving. She told me we have to set boundaries for my well being and I agreed, but this is so, so frustrating. I love the idea of her being physically affectionate, but the reality is I can't handle it. We're going out again tomorrow night and I just don't know what to do. Can anyone share with me any grounding exercises they use during flashbacks, or just whatever helps them calm down in general.
Thanks -Matilda

 

[Friday]

"I'd love more of that... Later!" is a trick I've used an awful lot.

In exactly the same kind of situation; I don't want someone to stop, or I don't want to stop myself... I push too far. That first bit? Where things start spiking? I let the spike happen, and then I back away. I'm in control of that. As I back away & replace it with something else? I may still need to ground a bit, but removing the trigger or stressor means it's about 1000x easier.

By doing that, over and over, just a little spike & back away... New memories & new associations form, new trust in myself forms, and my limits start moving of their own accord. I don't have to push past my limits. The limits themselves have moved.

If I do push past them? Yeah. Instead of moving a hand from part A to part B, and continuing on, spike fading... I end up getting completely triggered/overwhelmed and have to entirely remove myself from the situation.

 

[Matilda]

Thank you FridayJones! So what works best for you is taking a little bit at a time, stopping, continuing, and stopping? I can definitely see how that would help. I want to move past the severely negative associations that I have with touch so I keep pushing myself over the edge and hoping that somewhere in that mess new associations would build, but I can see how toxic that is for me. Little by little sounds like a great technique and I am a control freak so if I feel like I have an inkling of control then I believe that could help with grounding

 

[Friday]

Yep. :) The technical name for it is exposure therapy. (One kind of exposure therapy, anyway!)

Should note: Stopping and continuing? Is usually over days/weeks/months. It's all by feel. It's very much like getting in a cold pool. Accidental trigger? Fell in. Icy cold shock. If you jump in? Same. Icy cold shock. Go slow to your knees & then jump? It's still going to be an icy huge shock. If you go too fast? Walk or run in? Again, it's still going to be a big shock. To avoid the shock, you get used to it bit by bit. Doesn't mean it's not cold, there will be a little spike of anxiety/distress... But the huge shock? Not there. And whenever you want? You go stretch out on the beach. Mad control / you have total control over how fast you go :D Screw the cold, gonna lay in the sun and read my book! Until, gradually, you're in and out of the water so much... It just feels good. :) No icy shock. Totally acclimated to it.

All parallels break down eventually. One of the places getting used to a pool/the ocean breaks down is timeframe. Days/weeks/months, for real. One thing a lot of people do (myself included) is try to move too fast, too soon, too long, or too often. Keep repeating too quickly? SUDS will leap off the charts, all over-sensitized. That's by feel, too, though. IME, we learn our limits by going "whoops!" Whoops happens. Just need to slow things down.

ETA... When you know a trigger? You can play around with it, too. Doesn't have to just be primary stuff. Someone else touching your hair triggers you. Anything else surrounding that that feels "weird", that you might could play with? Not a trigger exactly, but kinda trips you out? Play around with that, same as above. Whether it's braiding, brushing, tying a sting of beads on that brushes against your neck, etc. Anything that sorta grabs the response. And quit. Just long enough to be all "That's weird," and stop. Then do it again the next day. Or something else. There's something unsettling, and then it's fine. Okay. Wait! Something again! Oh. We're still fine. Until your brain is all like Pfft! Am I supposed to be noticing this? Cuz I'm not.