Bad Night... Again,

[MissKay]

I had a rough night last night, more because I was afraid of how my body would react, not because of the weather. I drug my stepson with me to the hospital(which is the safe place i go to, i know it sounds crazy but I do not check in, I just sit in the waiting room until the rough weather has passed.) On the drive there the skies were clear, once there instead of sitting in the middle room with no windows, I sat closer to the windows so that I could actually see what was going on. I am trying to pull myself away from the hospital, and have not been there in a panic for about two months. I sat down phone in hand checking the radar every five minutes (refreshing the web page to see if anything had changed (I know, I know extreme and unnecessary but I need to be honest about where I am on my journey or I am never going to get better)) and suddenly I woke up because I had a strange extreme pain in my side from laying over the chair on my right side(very uncomfortable). I am not sure if I passed out or just went to sleep checking the radar. As soon as I woke up I realized the worst part of the storm had just passed over us i mean it was right to our east by maybe a mile, and I got SO mad at myself that I began purging immediatly. I am literaly SICK of being this out of control and sometimes I think to my self ( BY THE WAY I WOULD NEVER INTENTIONALY KILL MYSELF IM TOO MUCH OF A COWARD WHEN IT COMES TO PAIN, AND I ENJOY THE GOOD DAYS ENOUGH TO GET ME THROUGH THE BAD) wouldn't everyone who cares about and for me (especially during a panic attack) be so much better off without me? I know this is a lie I am telling myself, maybe out of self-pity I am having a hard time identifying where these low thoughts are coming from.
The good news, As soon as I was done in the bathroom at the hospital(and it was still raining really hard, no lightning that I could see, and boy was it windy) I left. I got in the car turned it on and talked myself out of scary thoughts the whole way home. I got home and crawled in the bed beside my husband.
I think my frustrations came from bad habits last night. I believe I got so angry at myself because I was out of control. literaly. I felt so weak, and like I let everyone down that thought I was doing so good.
Today I have been on the phone all day, making arrangements with doctors and phycologists, and planning how I am going to keep myself busy friday and saturday. (when the next bout of rain is coming through) I need to practice staying in the moment, you all left me some really great tips in the last two days and I am excited to get to them. THank you again to the creator of this site, and all the people who share their input to make this site so good! =]
MissKay

 

[KP the nut]

(((HUGE HUGS)))

You are not alone we are here. I've had a rough day today, so can't think of much at the moment.

Just remember your grounding/coping techniques, remember to breathe. Will your husband hold you, that always helps me (my husband obviously not yours - that would be weird

).

Ok I'm talking cr*p, painkillers and meds

.

Basically, hang in there

Linking arms
KP

 

[MissKay]

thankyou so much! I have a counseling appointment today, I have been looking for one for a while now, so im excited to get some growth going!!

and yea my hubby would do anything for me... ill give it a try! (hugs)! kay

 

[Iron_Angel]

Hugs from me too. I think going to the hospital to sit until bad weather has passed is a pretty smart idea. It's a nice safe place, with people around so you don't feel alone, but nobody wanting to be intrusive. Like KP said, hang in there. If we all link arms, we can be pretty strong together.

 

[MissKay]

Thanks for the support. I really appreciate the way you all write so honestly! I keep thinking linking arms linking arms... and it really does help!-Kay